Choose to be kind this week…

March 5, 2018

“Choose to be kind over being right every time.”  (Richard Carlson)

From a recent post to the Jack’s Winning Words blog. Jack went on to write about the Mr. Know-it-all syndrome that some people exhibit. Unfortunately, that hits too close to home for me, as my wife often calls me out on.  I really have to work on not jumping in to arrogantcorrect some factual error (at least in my opinion) that I think may have just been made in something that is said. Sometimes (probably most of the time) it is better to just let things go, even if you know that what was just said is not correct. Be kind this week.

One way to look at things is to just say to yourself that what was just said is what the person who said it believes and messing around with beliefs is usually a losing cause. Perhaps it was their opinion about something; and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It is surely a mistake to jump in with a correction on anything that may be political or religious, since those are two areas that are very personal and difficult to argue. Just say to yourself, “I don’t agree with your opinion or judge thingsview on things, but that’s OK.” Don’t say that out loud, unless you are just spoiling for an argument. Be kind this week.

Rather than trying to assert the “right” (from your perspective) opinion into the conversation, be kind and try to understand the other person’s point of view or at least honor his/her right to that opinion. One can be kind without being condescending and one can be kind without surrendering their own position or opinion. Be kind this week.

Another good trait to develop is being able to admit when you were, in fact, wrong on some opinion or “fact” that you held a strong belief about. Sometimes additional information or event prove the position that you held to be wrong and rather than cling stubbornstubbornly to a disproved position, it is much better to admit your mistake and move on by embracing the new “truth” of the matter. Perhaps now you will be better able to understand the position that others held all along, which you considered “wrong-headed” until now. You will probably also realize that, had you chosen to be kind rather than right in your position, you would now be in a much better position. Be kind this week.

So, choose to greet others ready to accept and understand, rather than ready to correct. Try to understand things from their perspective rather than forcing them to see it from disagreement2yours.  Maybe there is no right and wrong, just two wrongs that will get you nowhere. Life does not have to become as dysfunctional as our current political system, where everything is judged using a far-right or far-left litmus test. There is a win-win middle ground were different opinions and perspectives may be valued for providing diversity to the conversation and where the truth is somewhere in the middle or, perhaps, somewhere else altogether. Be kind this week.

When you hear someone say something that you would normally try to correct; rather than blurt out, “You’re wrong”, try “How interesting of you to say that”, or perhaps reply, “I hadn’t thought of that view of things.” You may be pleasantly surprised at the conversations that follow. Be kind this week.


It takes a strong man to urge compromise in the face of gridlock

May 12, 2015

I usually tune out most car ads, unless they are really catchy. The recent Cadillac ad caught my attention, but not in a good way. The current Cadillac ad uses the tag line, “It’s a weak man who urges compromise.” I think I understand what they were going for there – they’re talking really about not compromising on the car features or design; but, it doesn’t necessarily come across that way.

As it sounds on TV, the ad is actually offensive to anyone who sees compromise as the best way to get out of the current arguinggridlock that has governments and state and national levels effectively stalled. It is the weakness of being unable to compromise that has caused the great divide between the parties at all levels. It takes strength and conviction to do the right things sometimes. Those are character traits that are obviously lacking in our Michigan State government and which have been lacking at the Federal level for years.

In life there are seldom situations where some level of compromise is not required by some or all of the parties involved. As soon as the number of people involved reaches two or more there will be differences of interpretation or opinion on almost any topic. Some people like to hide behind words like “truth” or “facts” to defend their interpretation of things; but facts and truths are perceptions of reality and each person has their own perception of the world around them. What you present as a “fact” or as being undeniably “true”, I mightthe truth perceive as being a distortion of what I see in the same event. Just ask the various groups involved in the recent spate of police shootings what the facts are and the truth about those events. See what different realities there are in their answers.

So, if there are different perceptions of reality driving the decisions that are being made all of the time, how does anything get done?  Through compromise by all parties involved. I can’t see things the way that you do and you don’t know where I’m coming from; but perhaps if I give a little and you give a little we can reach a middle ground and get things done. If both of us refuse to take that step towards each other’s perceptions of things, gridlock occurs. That’s where both Lansing and Washington are at right now – a refusal by the politicians to move towards the middle in order to find enough common ground to get anything done.

At both the state and national levels the root problem is the same. For the most part, the people who are there are professional politicians and professional politicians are more concerned about getting reelected than about getting things done. Getting reelected means spending big money. The businessmen behind the scenes, who control the money, control the politicians by doling out the money; and, for the most part, doing nothing is what they would prefer. On occasion they may have their politicians go fight a war somewhere, if their business interests are at risk; but, the rest of the time gridlock works in their best interest by keeping the government from interfering too much in their business world. Let the common people grumble; just keep the politicians fat, dumb and happily running for reelection and all will be fine.

I recall the days when there was a spirit of compromise in Washington – the days when there were moderates in both parties who could reach across the aisle and forge solutions out of compromise. Those were the days before the litmus handshake2tests that all candidates must now pass to convince those in their party’s so-called “base” that they are conservative enough or liberal enough to deserve some of the support and money that will allow them to be elected (reelected).  There is no longer a place for a moderate Republican or for a conservative Democrat, so there is no longer a place for compromise. It’s sad, really; but eventually the pendulum will swing back towards the middle. That may not happen in my lifetime; but hopefully it will happen before the current political gridlock permanently and irrecoverably damages America. Wouldn’t it be sad to join the other nations that once had great power and respect around the world, only to be done in by their own inability to change with the times? It takes a strong nation to urge compromise sometimes. I hope that we still have that strength.

Where did compromise go?

July 18, 2014

“Lasting change is a series of compromises.  And compromise is all right, as long as your values don’t change.”  (Jane Goodall) as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

I suppose you could restate the second half of this quote a bit as “And compromise is all right, as long as you don’t compromise your values.”  Unfortunately in what passes for our political process lately the politicians both locally and at the national level have lost the ability to compromise and have become rigid in the mistaken belief that the only way to prevent compromising their values is to just say “no” to everything.

I observed the supporters of one local candidate marching in our recent Independence Day Parade, with signs and handouts that basically said no to just about everything – no to providing access to health thumbs downcare, no to any form of birth control, no to any taxes, no to most laws no, No NO. The only thing they seemed to be for was the right to have guns. Their message boiled down to “give us our guns, get out of our way and we’ll take care of ourselves.” There seemed to be little room for any compromise on anything in their message. It seemed to me to point to a desire for armed anarchy.

I am old enough to recall a time when politicians were able to find a way to govern by finding a way to compromise on big, important issues. Neither side was forced to change their values; so, as a result the laws that they passed often reflected the compromises that were required. There were always protests from the extreme fringe groups of both parties; but, logic and a sense of duty to get things done on behalf of the people prevailed. These days the fringe groups seem to rule the parties arguingand quite often nothing gets done. That appears to be the strategy of many – to them doing nothing or preventing everything is preferable to any compromise.

I suppose it’s our own fault as a constituency that we have allowed the political process to be taken over by minority extremist groups. The ambivalence of the great majority of citizens has allowed the only people who have passion (however misplaced it may be) for their views to gain control. The result at primary or election time is often a choice between the lesser of two or more evils, with most candidates trying to “out extreme” each other in their positions on issues. A by-product is often nasty, negative campaigning even within the two parties.

I’ve espoused this before, but it’s time to say it again – we need a viable third party alternative. We need a party in the center, a party that is not dedicated to the extremes of either conservatism or liberalism – a party willing to compromise to get things done. Maybe they could call it the Common Sense Party (CSP), since that is a political space that is currently not being occupied by the two existing parties. There seems to be a role for government somewhere between the “let me do it all for you” and the “let’s do nothing” extreme poles. Somewhere between “rules for everything” and “no rules at all” is a happy medium ground where the needs of the individual and the needs of the society are both served well.

Will the CSP ever come to be? Maybe not, but perhaps the voting public will tire of having to choosedumb and dumber between Dumb and Dumber and having to put up with the misinformation and attack ads that are used to try to influence our votes. There is hope on the horizon in the form of the changing demographics of the U.S. population. As the population grows and becomes more and more diverse the minorities at both ends of the political spectrum will become smaller and smaller. Maybe, just maybe, there will be enough honest people with common sense who will be willing to crawl through the slime of our political process to get elected and bring some sense of compromise back into the process of governing. One can only hope.

Only you can make it all right…

July 3, 2014

“Everything will be all right in the end.  If it’s not all right, it’s not the end.”  (From The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel–British Film), as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

I like that line from the movie because underlying it is the thought to never give up, never quit, never reach the end until things are all right – until you have reached whatever goal that you had for that situation. That doesn’t necessarily always have to be a win; it just has to be an outcome that you are happy or satisfied with at the time.

In recent World Cup matches, playing to a tie, scoreless or otherwise in some matches was all right – the team still advanced in many of those cases. In life coming to a point in which neither side has to feel a loss is all right, too. Sometimes that is a win-win situation, where both sides feel like they scored a win in the deal (which is what we strive for in the real estate business); and sometimes it’s just deciding to quit while neither side is “ahead” and declaring a truce on whatever issue was driving the battle (a good strategy in marriage many time).

angry coupleThe alternative to accepting a tie or achieving a win-win is the dark side of this little saying. That occurs when people focus on an end-game that requires revenge. Seeking revenge means that the game can never be over, since one side or the other will be put in the position of having to get even again. That is a no-win game that should be avoided. For some people it is hard to find a way to stop that cycle, to call a truce and abandon the revenge game. For them, that would feel like a loss, which of course they have been fighting to avoid. For most, perhaps it involves embracing the concept of forgiveness. Here’s a good quote that I found about that –

 “Forgiving isn’t something you do for someone else. It’s something you do for yourself. It’s saying, ‘You’re not important enough to have a stranglehold on me.’ It’s saying, ‘You don’t get to trap me in the past. I am worthy of a future.”  ― Jodi Picoult, The Storyteller

If you think about that little quote, it is allowing you declare a win to yourself while reaching a draw caringon whatever issue has been driving the relationship between you and the other party. You have forgiven them for whatever you believe they did or whatever position they have taken. Boy, will that frost their patootie. Now, in order to get revenge they’ll have to forgive you, too. Maybe you can have a contest now to see who is the most forgiving of the other. All right then, it’s not the end until everything all right.

Getting back on the plus-side of life; there are things in life that will never be all right – homelessness, hunger, abuse, discrimination and more; so, there will always be things that you can continue to work on making right. You can join the efforts in service with other volunteers to deal with those issues and always have something to keep you busy. At the end of each day you will have a reason to get up the next day and continue the battle, because it’s not all right yet, so it’s not over.

Maybe you can’t tackle world hunger or homelessness or abuse and bullying, but you can do something about them where you live and wrestling them down to zero in your town or village or city will feel like a major win. All you have to do is look around you and see the things that aren’t right and then start doing something about them. Start today. Start on your block and work your way out from there.

Remember that it’s not over yet because everything is not all right. You can make the difference.