Don’t hurt, get help.

August 30, 2019

The Jack’s Winning Words blog recently used this quote – “Hurt people hurt people!”  (Aubrey Fontenot)

Jack went on to write about people who were bullied themselves sometimes turning into bullies and shared a “feels-good” story about a bully who was befriended by the person that he was trying to bully.

In the broader sense, people who are hurt quite often take their hurt out on others by abusived wifetrying to hurt them – they share their pain. Hurts can come in many forms – a social snub, a painful breakup of a relationship, bullying by others, the sudden loss of a loved one and many other personal tragedies that hurt. Many of those forms of hurt can be passed on to others by the one is is initially hurt. Don’t hurt, get help.

The most common reactions to a threat or hurt are fight or flight. The ones who hurt timidothers because of their hurt are exercising a form of fight – they are lashing back at the world and those around them. The alternative is often flight, which can lead to withdrawal and depression in some people.  Don’t hurt, get help.

So, what is a third alternate? Maybe the best thing is to get help. That help can come in the form of professional help – a counselor or therapist – or it may just come from a trusted friend with whom you can share the pain or from your pastor. Inbeing kind 1 any case, having someone to talk with about the hurt can immediately help. It takes away the loneliness aspect of the pain. Don’t hurt, get help.

If the hurt is bullying, most schools and businesses now have programs to report such behavior and get help resolving the problem. There is no shame in reporting a bully. You are helping both yourself and that person when you do so. Don’t hurt, get help.

If the problem goes beyond bullying, or maybe involves inappropriate sexual behavior and work, school, in athletics or at church; there is now heightened awareness of those issues and certainly no longer any social stigma involved with being brave enough to angry womanreport it to authorities. There is no need to remain quiet or to be embarrassed about reporting someone for inappropriate behavior. The #MeToo era has removed the stigma and ushered in an era of empowerment for victims.  Don’t hurt, get help.

The loss of a loved one can often result in the person who is left behind becoming withdrawn and maybe even depressed about life without the departed. The pain of the loss is real and It needs to be acknowledged. A period of grief is natural; however, life goes on and it is important to put the memory of the person in its proper place in your mind and move on. Often people find the help that they need after churchsuffering the loss of a loved one in their faith. Your pastor may be the best person to turn to for that help.  Don’t hurt, get help.

What all of these examples have in common is that they do not involve you turning your hurt into pain for others. They don’t involve lashing out or bullying others. They don’t involve sharing your pain or loss by hurting others; and they are not about withdrawing into a dark place. They do all involve getting help with the pain. Don’t hurt, get help.

A first step to getting help is often admitting to yourself that you need help. A few quietwoman-praying moments spent in prayer is often the best time to make that admission to God and to yourself. Perhaps something as simple as, “God, I cannot deal with this alone. Give me the courage and strength to seek the help that I need to deal with this hurt.” With God at your side it is much easier to seek the help that you need. Don’t hurt, get help.

A surprising outcome for those who get the help that they need to deal with a hurt is that many end up helping others.  They find satisfaction and fulfillment working with people who are going through what they went through and passing on the message. You often see news stories about parents who lost a child to some accident or disease or other helpercause creating foundations to work to prevent or cure those causes of loss and pain. They have progressed beyond getting help to giving help. They are living the message – Don’t hurt, get help. 

For them the message has become Helped people, help people.

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Look for good and focus upon it…

August 29, 2019

The quote that Jack used in his Jack’s Winning Words blog today is this short phrase – “Focus on the Good!”  (The Christophers)

Yesterday I wrote about putting a smile in your voice to make your day better and Jack left this comment – “SOMETIMES////EASIER SAID THAN DONE”. I suppose that I could return his comment as a comment on his post this morning.

It is sometimes very hard to focus upon the good because there is so much noise made about the bad. The evening news casts provide a prime example. Both local and national news shows seem to be focused upon telling us about all of the bad that has occurred. Locally it’s about who shot who, who robbed who, who carjacked who and on and on. At fire burning homethe national level it’s about large scale disasters or foreign wars (trade wars or shooting wars) or plane crashes or other bad news.

The national news organizations often fly their talking head to the scene so that he/she can stand in the devastation and report. The dumbest and most insensitive thing that all of the newscasters do, including Lester Holt, is to thrust a microphone in the face of a grieving person at the disaster scene and ask, “How does it feel to lose your entire family?” Just once, I wish someone would tell them to get the hell out of their face and leave them alone; but that response probably wouldn’t be shown on the newscast.

Some local newscasts and even at the national level, have been trying to balance things out a bit by taking a minute or two at the end of the newscast to show a good news or feels good story. It’s a start, but one has to endure the first 25 minutes to get to that part at the end.

smiling manHow does one focus on the good? It begins by resolving to look for the good – in situations and in people. There are many situations that are real or perceived setbacks in life – things that didn’t go as planned or as hoped. It is too easy to just see the bad in those situations and get down on life or on yourself. However, if you look hard enough there is good in even those situations, usually to be found in what didn’t happen or in the knowledge that you have gained.

A friend taught me a valuable lesson for life when he said, in response to me expressing my disappointment over something that had gone wrong with an event that we were responsible for running; “Well, at least nobody died.”  He was right. I was beating myself up for something that, in the great scheme of things, didn’t really matter all that much. Nobody died. I was focusing upon the bad and not all of the good that came out of the event. Now my wife and I both use that little phrase to stop ourselves from wasting too much time worrying about or regretting something that happened or didn’t happen that we probably had no control over in the first place.

What steps can you take to allow yourself to focus upon the good? First, you have to be looking for it. Go into every situation and every new relationship with someone looking for the good in it or in them. Second, you need to recognize the good. Sometimes the only good to come out of a situation is the learning that you get from it. If that is it, so be it. Learn from it and move on.

Finding the good in people is sometimes harder because it is difficult to put aside your preconceptions and prejudices. A good example is encountering someone that you don’t girl with nose chainknow who has visible tattoos or maybe a nose ring or perhaps just purple colored hair. Picture that and get a feel for your immediate reaction. Was it “Oh, wow, that’s so cool. I want to get to know this person better” or did you have a defensive reaction that caused you to shrink back from meeting that person? How will you be able to find the good in that person if you can’t even bring yourself to meet them and look for it?

How can you get in the right frame of mind to focus upon the good? Perhaps it is something as simple as asking God each morning to, “Help me see the good man prayingin all things and in all people today.”  At least you will start out the day looking for the good.  You may have to remind yourself several times during the day and maybe even remember that “at least nobody died” when you have a setback; but, I’m pretty sure that you’ll find some good in the things that occur and the people that you meet if you focus upon it. And that’s a good thing.

Have a great and focused day. Find the good!


Be happy; put a smile in your voice…

August 26, 2019

A recent post to the Jack’s Winning Words blog featured this quote – “Smile when you answer the phone.  The caller will hear it in your voice.”  (Unknown)

Jack went on to write about trying to smile when he answers the phone, even if it is a sales call or a robo call. He even tries to have a pleasant conversation with sales call operators, with mixed results. I must admit that the flood of robo calls has probable taken the smile off my face when I answer the phone; but, I try not to be rude. Sometimes, just hanging up is the only solution to a persistent sales pitch.

The tone of your voice conveys a lot about your attitude at the moment. That is why people will ask if you’re OK when you mumble a frowney face greeting in return toEmoji_Face-with-Pleading-Eyes their cheery, “Hello.” It might just be that you were distracted and lost in thought when they encountered you or perhaps you were thinking about something unpleasant. Whatever the reason, you didn’t have a smile on your face or in your voice.

It takes a conscious effort to wear a smile on your face and to have one in your voice. Most of us have “at rest” faces that are much less inviting that we know. It’s not that we are unhappy or mad, it’s just that we aren’t making the effort to smile, to be happy.

You may ask, what do I have to be happy about; why should I smile? Well, for one; you woman-prayingwoke up again this morning. The alternative might be worthy of a frown. Second, the things and people that God has put into your life again surround you. Surely, those loved ones that you still have bring a smile to your face and fond memories of those that have departed can add to the reasons to smile. Perhaps starting your day with a brief prayer of thanks to God will put that smile on your face. Whatever it take, try putting that smile on each day before you venture out. Your day will go much better for that effort made first thing in the morning.

People with a smile on their face and in their voice seem to attract other people with theanimated-light-bulb-gif-22 same attitude and that leads not only to a more pleasant day, but often to a much more productive and successful day. Most of us prefer doing business with smiling friendly people, rather than some sourpuss sales clerk or co-worker who seems put out by having to talk to us.

So, take the time this morning to thank God for another day and all attitude-2of the things that He has provided. Ask that He stay with you during the day to provide you with what you need. Then, put on a smiley face and let it seep into your voice.

It’s going to be a great day!


What will you do with the ball?

August 20, 2019

A recent post to the Jack’s Winning Words blog used this sports quote – “The man with the ball is responsible for what happens to the ball.”  (Branch Rickey)

Another sports saying, probably from tennis, is the familiar, “the ball’s in your court.” Others include, “you’ve got the ball”, “give me the ball” and the ever popular, “don’t drop the ball.”

Sports metaphors are often used in inspirational speeches because they are easy to relate baseball glove and ballto and usually simplistic. Most people grew up playing sports of some sort and can quickly relate to how “life is like (fill in your favorite sports metaphor here). Many sports involve a ball of some sort and size, so metaphors that involve a ball are common. When we succeed, we got the ball over the goal line or in the goal; however, when we fail we dropped the ball.  What will you do with the ball?

man relaxingHaving the ball is much different from just being a spectator and watching the ball. Some tend to approach life as if they are a spectator. They sit back and watch rather than take the ball and do something with it. Yet life often thrusts the ball into our hands and we are forced to do something with it. We can pull back and drop the ball or we can take it across the goal line. What will you do with the ball?

Your faith is the ball that God hands off to you. You can take it and run with it, living football playeryour life in such a way that you get the ball over the goal line or you can fumble the ball. Just as the football player with the ball may have to break a few tackles to get to the goal line, you will likely have to endure some obstacles and things that want to bring you down on your way to the end zone. Hold strong to your faith (the ball) and you will reach the goal line. Your end zone is eternal life and you have the ball. What will you do with the ball?

woman-prayingSo, to slightly modify Mr. Rickey’s quote – The man with faith is responsible for what happens to that faith. What will you do with your faith?

You have the ball. What will you do with the ball?


Be strong and ask yourself why…

August 19, 2019

A quote from a recent post to the Jack’s Winning Words blog started me thinking, but probably not in the direction that Jack had in mind when he posted it – “Anyone can buy new things, but only a strong person can throw old things out.”  (Unknown)

What this little saying keyed off in my mind was the thought that to takes a strong person to discard old traditions or commitments, old knowledge and wisdom and old preconceived notions and prejudices and move on to embrace new things, new thoughts, new understandings and new relationships.

Jack mentioned looking for something that he must have inadvertently discarded in his post. I think that sometimes we also inadvertently accumulate things like fears or arrogantprejudices. Maybe it was something that we were told as a child by our parents about “those kinds of people”, or perhaps we saw something on the news about one bad actor from a particular group and we generalized it to cover the entire group. No matter how or when this “knowledge” was accumulated, it now serves only as bad mental baggage that needs to be reexamined and discarded.

It would be hypocritical of me not to admit that I, too, have some of those same reactions when I encounter people during the day. The difference, as I have grown older, is that I now stop myself and quickly try to reevaluate those feelings, BEFORE I take any action. I ask myself why. Why am I afraid of this person? Why do I find this person’s appearance to be alarming? Why am I immediately on the defensive with a person that I haven’t boredeven met? So, I’m admitting that I haven’t been able to completely discard those old preconceived notions and prejudices, but I am at least able to recognize them as such and modify my behavior to give me the chance to prove them wrong once again. The reward has been meeting and getting to know some really great people that I otherwise might have avoided.

How often do you stop yourself when you are in the process of prejudging someone based upon their color or ethnicity or lifestyle and question why those thoughts jumped into your mind? In law-enforcement there is a concept called “probable cause”. In theory that means that the law enforcement officers have to have some justifiable reason for taking action against someone – searching or arresting them – a probable cause for their actions. There has been much made of the appearance that some in law enforcement have acted without any justification and stopped some minorities for such causes as  “driving while black”. Perhaps we have all been guilty of such thoughts, if not such actions.

The key to not letting your past, and the mental baggage of prejudices that you’ve accumulated, rule your future is that little pause to consider the “why” of your worriesimmediate reaction. If you can do that, you can take the next step of examining the situation for any probable cause for that reaction. Most of the time there is no probable cause to be afraid or to immediately dislike someone, just because of his or her appearance; and, after all, that is all that you have to go on initially. Give the other person (and yourself) the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to be themselves. Be strong and throw out your old thoughts and welcome new people into your life. You might be pleasantly surprised at what great people are out there, just beyond your prejudices and fears.

Have a strong week ahead and don’t forget to stop and ask yourself – Why?


The search for contentment…

August 17, 2019

A recent post to the Jack’s Winning Words contained this quote – “We may pass violets looking for roses.  We may pass contentment looking for victory.”  (Bernard Williams)

Jack went on to call into question the popular sports-oriented saying “Winning is the only thing.”

As a society, I think that our obsession with winning and not allowing ourselves to be content with having made our best effort is contributing to the tensions and unrest that we see on the nightly news. It also is a major contributing factor to the current politicaldebaters divide, where compromise, which could lead to contentment, is considered failure. The two political parties have abandoned any search for a middle ground on most issues and seek only to win, to beat the other side. We saw that locally this past week were the scrum to choose a successor to the late L. Brooks Paterson turned nasty and completely partisan from the get-go.

I have from time to time called for the creation of a third party in the middle of the political spectrum  a party of compromise and reason. At least a new party would not disagreement2carry with it the baggage that the current parties have accumulated of late. It would also allow those who are uncomfortable with the extreme on both sides to fins anew home that perhaps with which they could become content. I suspect that quite a few who call themselves Republicans or Democrats would welcome a party with less strident positions on the issues and one which relied more on common sense than the political litmus tests that the current parties use on issues.

In life, as in politics, winning isn’t really everything. Giving it your best effort is more important. It’s not that you will be unhappy if you don’t win; but, rather, that you will be pecial olympics 2unhappy with yourself if you didn’t give it your best shot. If you made your best effort, but that fell short of winning, you can still feel good about yourself. In sports, even competitive athletes are often happy if they achieve a person best – they know that they did the best that they can for that event or race. Maybe you can look at the events in your life the same way. If you’ve achieved your person best, be happy, celebrate your achievement, use that experience to plan way to do better next time. Stop and smell the violets. Find contentment.

Have a great weekend of contentment!


Be extraordinary instead….

August 12, 2019

In a quote that I saved from the Jack’s Winning Words bog, Lou Holtz said – “I can’t believe that God put us on this earth to be ordinary.”

 Lou Holtz may have initially used that thought as motivation for his athletes at Notre Dame, but ILou_Holtz suspect that he had a broader application in mind for mankind in general. Lou is a devout Catholic and often speaks in motivational talks about the higher calling of man to serve others and God.

It is all too easy to be ordinary, to let yourself slip into that mode where the needs and problems that you see around you are someone else’s concern, not yours. It is less hassle to pass on the other side of the road from the injured man who helperwas beaten and robbed, rather than be the Good Samaritan (Luke 10: 25-37). After all, you have issues of your own to deal with, so you do not have time to stop and help.

Yet, somewhere is the back of your mind there is that little voice telling you, “you should stop and help”. Some might label that as your conscious. Lou Holtz might tell you that it is the quiet voice of God, trying to move you to not be ordinary – to do what He put you here to do.

There used to be an Army recruiting commercial on TV that used the tag line – “Be all that you can be.” Maybe that is what the little voice is telling you – don’t be ordinary, be extraordinary instead. Be all that you can be by stopping to help.

We see almost weekly stories on the nightly news about someone rushing to help in an emergency – maybe running into a burning building to rescue someone trapped inside homeless manor pulling someone from a car wreck moments before the car explodes into flames. Those “heroes” were not being ordinary. They did not decide to pass by on the other side of the road. They listened to the voice of God and helped. Did you drive by the same scene and keep on going, even though you thought, “Oh, those poor people, I hope that they are alright”? How ordinary of you.

One does not have to go looking for emergencies or crisis to find ways to help; to be extraordinary. Every community across this nation has volunteer organizations that are helping with poverty, homelessness, mental health, drug and alcohol addiction or other pressing issues. Extraordinary people who refused to pass by those issues on the other side of the road make up those organizations. You can join them and be extraordinary, too.

helping-2You don’t have to have great wealth to help. You don’t have to have great power to help. You just have to have compassion and resolve that you will make a difference by stopping and helping, instead of passing  by on the other side of the road.  Don’t let yourself be ordinary. That’s not what God put you here for.

Be extraordinary today!