“The thing about chameleoning your way through life is that it gets to where nothing is real.” (John Green), as seen on a recent post at the Jack’s Winning Words blog. A day later Jack posted this quote – “Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.” (Unvirtuous Abbey).
Do you know people who seem to have no opinions of their own or any firm moral ground to stand upon? How about the opposite types, those who refuse to change their opinions even in the face of overwhelming evidence that they are wrong?
I’m not sure that “chameleoning” is a real word, but we probably all know what that 
means, or at least have something or someone come to mind when the term is used. Chameleons have the amazing ability to change their skin coloring as they need to in order to blend in with their surroundings. For them it is a defense mechanism. Perhaps that is also true for those who we know who seem to change with each situation that they encounter. They have what might be called situational ethics and go with the crowd in any situation in hopes of blending in.
Of course there are also those who are contrarians in every situation. Whatever the crowd is in favor of, they are against. Sometimes this is also a defense mechanism, since it allows 
that person to remain alienated and apart from the crowd. They often have deep insecurities that feed on the rejection and loneliness that their action precipitates. Their real fear may be of being accepted and being expected to act like one of the crowd that they are avoiding. Their defense becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy, since they are rejected and left alone.
Taken to the extreme, neither of those approaches to life is very satisfactory over time. The person who is a total Chameleon will find that they have developed no basis for independent thoughts and actions when the crowd is no longer around. They may have no moral compass to guide them through life and may not have developed any real interests or passions of their own. They are unable to be “real”, because they may no longer know what “real” is for them. These might be the people from whom the day is devoted to “living” on social media platforms, who post what they had for breakfast, as if anyone really cares.
The total contrarian, on the other hand, will find that it is virtually impossible to live a fulfilling life totally apart from the rest of society and that interdependence with others is 
a key to establishing our own identity and finding true happiness. Interestingly even those who pursue the contrarian “Goth” lifestyle trend to congregate with others of that lifestyle, those creating a “crowd” of their own that they then try to fit in with. Eventually they come to realize that serving others is much more rewarding than being self-serving. Those who don’t come to that realization become what we call “hermits” and live apart from society.
The second little quote is not referring back to being Chameleon-like; but rather to not becoming so ridged in our beliefs that we become stuffy or obstructionists. I belong to several organizations in which the phrase “that’s the way it has always been done” comes up a lot. There is certainly a place for understanding the history of how we got to wherever 
we are at any point in time; however, to become inflexible about the future direction based solely on the past is wrong. Things change, new options that didn’t exist in the past open up and we hopefully learn from the mistakes of the past and consider new approaches to things. We remain flexible and don’t get bent out of shape by suggestions for change.
So, guard against the extremes of becoming a Chameleon and having no real identity or beliefs of your own or a contrarian and being against everything; however, remain flexible and open-minded enough to consider opinions and options that you may not have encountered before. The key to being flexible without going to the extremes is to have a central touchstone of moral values from which you can examine the options in front of you and upon which you can base your decisions. For most that moral
compass is based upon common sense that is rooted in religious beliefs and values. If you can start with a strong sense of right and wrong in your life, based upon the teachings in the Bible, the rest of the decisions that you have to make are much easier.
As you start each day, get real. Start by setting your moral compass, thinking about who you are and the direction that you are intending to go that day; but remain flexible as the day progresses and open to new ideas, new people and new directions. As long as you have a strong sense of your own identity and your moral compass to guide you the journey will continue to be amazing and satisfying. Have a great week ahead!
Posted by Norm Werner 
need God’s help with something. Perhaps you should make a daily habit of prayer and use most of them to thank God for all that He has done for you already. Occasionally you may have to ask God for help with something; but by then you’ll also have a pretty good appreciation for all that He has already done for you and perhaps a stronger faith that your prayers will be answer this time, too.
happened in my life is not happenstance, but the hand of God at work in my life. Many times it is something that didn’t happen, but could have, with either damaging or embarrassing consequences. I take a moment for a little prayer to thank Him for saving my bacon once again. There’s a common saying that people often use that “my guardian angel was looking out for me”; well that guardian angel was really the hand of God resting on your shoulder. So say a little prayer of thanks the next time you realize that you just dodged one of life’s little bullets because the hand of God nudged you out of harm’s way.
that marriages, in order to be successful over time, had to be based upon things more substantial than the initial physical attraction that may have led to the marriage in the first place. I hadn’t really put a word to those things before, but respect seems to be an appropriate choice.
when one partner had no respect for the other; but it is hard to take over time. Marriages involving a so-called “throphy-wife” come to mind. There is often little respect involved in those unions.
me or even all about us as a couple; it’s really all about mutually respecting the two individuals who have chosen to go through life together. You both have feelings and thoughts and opinions that the other needs to respect, even if they can’t quite understand them. Accept them, respect them and move on together. Also remember that respect in a relationship is a 2-way street – you don’t earn it unless you give it.
of celebrating 50 years of marriage to my soulmate this month. Like most our relationship was born in the passionate heat of youthful physical attraction. For some that is all that there is in the relationship and when that cools a bit there is no substance left to hold things together. Others may also know the joy of finding the person that you had such physical passion for also turned out to be a soulmate, in the sense that Thomas Moore was describing.
we faced together and I always knew that she had my back, just as I tried to have hers. As our relationship deepened and evolved it took on that somewhat weird characteristic in which we could somehow be having the same thoughts at about the same time, whether it was about where to go to eat on a weekend night or maybe what to do in certain life situations. Now, a case could be made that we just came to know each other’s tastes and tendencies so well that we are anticipating each other, but I’d submit that this is a part of being true soulmates – you just somehow know what the other person is thinking.
you” before we go to bed for the night. We get through life’s trials and tribulations. We go on and we find ways to be happy with what God has given us; instead of being envious or bitter about what we do not have. We have two wonderful children with great soulmates of their own and five fabulous grandchildren. We have a home we love in a super little Village and two great little furry companions to keep us smiling. We have a strong faith and a great church family and a circle of supportive friends. Life is good; but, best of all, we both have our soulmate and nothing could be better than that.
I sincerely hope that all of you who may read this have the great good fortune that I’ve had in my life and find (or have found) your soulmate. To steal a line from a popular commercial, “It doesn’t get any better than this!” May you find, or continue to be happy with, your soulmate. Like Emily Bronte I can truthfully say – Whatever our souls are made of, hers and mine are the same. I love you Carolyn. You are my best friend and my soulmate.
asked him how they should pray. He gave them a pattern that we now call the Lord’s Prayer. In Matthew 6:9–13 (ESV), Jesus said “Pray then like this: ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.'”
help you with. Too often in our modern, “instant gratification” world we have expectations of immediate action from God to grant our prayers. God doesn’t work like that. The pastor didn’t make this point, but I started to think that perhaps it takes longer than we might wish because we have yet to uphold our end of the bargain that is stated in the Lord’s Prayer – we have not forgiven our debtors ( or those who trespass (or sin) against us in different versions of the prayer). Perhaps God is waiting for us to get our act together a bit better before he grants our prayer. Have we forgiven those who trespassed against us in some way? If we do not have forgiveness in our hearts, perhaps we should pray for that first.
Perhaps you are praying for God to somehow help you get something in particular because you think that will make you happy – maybe it’s a job, money, or a new possession of some sort or perhaps a date with a specific person. Maybe instead God is answering your prayer to be more happy by showing you ways to be happy with what you have and who you are. Is God answering your prayers? In His own way; yes, He is. You just don’t yet understand. If we believe that God acts in our best interests, then we must also accept his answer to our prayers, even if we don’t understand the answers.
As a society we have become too fixated on score keeping, on winning and losing, on a zero sum game philosophy of life that somehow relates winning for one person meaning that someone else must lose. One of our presidential candidates seems to take great pleasure in characterizing people with whom he disagrees on various topics as “losers”.
endured years and years of what most would see as a loss, suffering in prison for his anti-apartheid activities. Yet Mandela did not let his imprisonment conquer is will and his soul. At the end of each day of imprisonment Mandela could claim another day of winning – a victory of his soul and spirit over those who sought to break him.
might have wanted to do in order to help someone who perhaps struggles to do anything at all? I think so. Is it a win to spend time with a shut-in who otherwise might just sit and stare out the window at traffic going by? I think so. Is it a win to take the money that you otherwise might have spent on another pair of shoes or another outfit and donate it instead to help those without any shoes and standing naked or in tatters? I think so. What do you really lose in those situations, when compared to how much you gain (win) in your soul?
we give up the pursuit of perfection (sort of like Mercedes with their cars).
that you were striving for or get turned down that date that you finally worked up the courage to ask for or perhaps suffered through yet another snub or social rejection. You’re not perfect. Life isn’t perfect. Accept the temporary setback, analyze what you did or didn’t do correctly to achieve that goal and try to learn from it. More important yet, think about how this incident in your life has helped you grow as a person.
clearly and putting life into better perspective.
burst their balloon or to make a cruel or cutting remark. It may even be easier to be critical of that person or something that they just did than it is to find something to praise; however, those words of praise, if you can find them, can make a world of positive difference in that
some sort. That difference doesn’t make them a nobody to be ignored or scuffled aside. Maybe they don’t talk like everyone else in your group or perhaps they don’t dress the same or act the same. Perhaps their very differences are what should be interesting you. Maybe you can learn something from them; if nothing else you can perhaps see their different point of view and take that into consideration. You’ll never know until you make the effort. Be somebody today.
you’re the person who went out of their way to reach out and make others feel good about themselves. And, do you know what? it will make you feel great to because you chose to be somebody today.
them.” (John Green) That’s certainly true in today’s air conditioned houses where people come and go through their garage and are never seen on the front porch or out in the yard. I’ve even had clients who had to get new front door locks because they never use that door and had no idea where the keys were any more.
mat that he saw somewhere that reads: “As far as anyone knows, we’re a nice happy family.”
that the deception was “for the kids.” Most of the time, the kids (especially the older children) can sense that something wasn’t right between mommy and daddy.
they hold it in; however that eventually leads them to becoming moody or angry or fearful and feeling lonely. They don’t seek outside help and they turn away from the very support structure that is right there under roof with them. As they withdraw the relationship often turns sour due to confusion or a sense of loss of interest on the part of their significant other and eventually that isolation leads to a breakup of the marriage. Sadly I saw that a lot in the recent Great Recession as men reacted badly to job losses or even to the loss of their spouse’s job.
The other thing that I have seen more of than I can understand are couples who have finally called an abusive or manipulative relationship quits. While that is normally an action taken by the women involved, I have seen the opposite when a weak man finally has had enough from an overly strong and domineering wife. I have also seen it in the GLBT community. I’ve never really understood why someone would commit to be in an abusive relationship to begin with; however, people that I’ve talked to about that said that it didn’t start that way or that the abusive partner changed after they entered the relationship.
families often go to great lengths to keep the deception of a normal home alive for the external world. In some cases the family may seek help for the substance abuser, but in other cases the old saw “We don’t talk about that” seems to hold sway. All too often the substance abuser eventually turns into just an abuser, due to the huge mood swings and stresses that accompany the habit. Eventually these unions also break up and I’m called in to sell the family home.
minimum you need to be able to have open and honest discussions about the things that aren’t going as you would like and how you both are reacting to those things. I really don’t want to meet you and be asked to sell your house because of your divorce. I much rather that you call me because your moving to accommodate a new beginning in a new job or getting ready to expand your family. Maybe you can get back to being that happy family that was mentioned on the welcome mat that everyone thought you were all along.
something that drives you to take actions. Finding something that you are passionate about is not an everyday thing. For many it is, in fact, a rare thing. It’s not that there are not things that they enjoy doing, we all have those things; it’s just that that are not driven to do them. I enjoy an occasional round of golf, but I am nor passionate about golf. There are many things like that in my life and I’m sure in yours that we could say we enjoy but have no particular passion about. Passion might be thought of as enthusiasm taken to the next level.
you have a passion about something when you realize that it is the most important thing in your life, at least for the moment. It’s hard to sustain and intense level of passion for an extended period; however, a true passion will never subside enough to be forgotten.
passionate about saving our original old train station; the one that was built when the railroad finally came through Milford in the mid 1800’s. It was buried for years beneath layers of modern siding and added on sections of what was a lumber yard. It was due to be torn down as part of a redevelopment project; however, one man with passion for saving it started a movement that has gained momentum and now has a chance of pulling off a plan to uncover it and move it rather than tear it down. Many Village and area residents have joined him to raise money, take the case to the Village government and continue the effort to “save the station.” All it took was passion.
age that moderation is the better path. Moderation is less likely to evoke negative reactions from others. We are taught to stifle ourselves (remember that line from the Archie Bunker TV show when he told his wife Edith to “stifle yourself, Edith”?) We are encouraged to sit back quietly and let others make displays of passion in demonstrations or other actions. We are trained to be apathetic and apathy is the antithesis of Passion.
then find an outlet for that passion. It may not be in a big demonstration or a march; it may not be in being able to solve the problem all at once; maybe it’s in something small, like helping to clean up a park or roadside or maybe just writing a letter to an official to express your passion and opinion. Whatever you do; make it just the start and watch your passion grow as you take those first little steps. A true passion will flare up like a flame when you are taking actions and then settle down to a constantly glowing ember in your soul in your day to day life.
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