Work on what we earn in life…

April 21, 2016

“Talent is God-given; be humble.  Fame is man-given; be grateful.  Conceit is self-given; be careful.”  (John Wooden) – as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.kissing mirror

Aside from conceit, the quote above talks of things that we are given in life. I think it is also important to look at the things that we must earn in life, like respect and trust and love. No one that we meet will give us any those three things without us doing something, usually over time, to prove that we deserve them. Usually people that a measure of you over time and watch your actions to see if they match or exceed your words before they respect or trust you. In relationships those two always come before the third thing that we earn which is love.

Another thing that comes to mind when discussing those three things is that children’s song The Ittsy Bittsy Spider. Respect, trust and love can all be lost in and instant, just as mistakrethe rain washed the spider out of the water spout; and then, like the spider we have to start all over to earn them again. All it takes to destroy a hard earned reputation or the trust of others is one mistake or bad decision. Sometimes love is also lost due to things that negatively impact the trust and respect that those who loved you had for you.

So, we must always be mindful of the impact of our decisions and the actions that we take in front of others. Unlike conceit it’s not just about us; it’s about what others will think of us. The other thing to consider is how long lasting the consequences of a poor decision can be. The foolish acts of young men or women can stay with them for a lifetime, especially if they result in a criminal record. There appears to be no amount of good that one can do to cover up a moment of bad, if the bad concerned certain things. Once a reputation is ruined or trust is lost the best that one can hope fort is a second chance to earn that trust back and establish a new reputation going forward.

So take coach Wooden’s words of wisdom to heart but also be mindful of the things that are in your control (which actually includes the conceit part of his quote) and focus on making decisions in life that help build trust and establish a good reputation. From that base, hopefully you can then also earn the love of another.

As Warren Buffet put it – “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently.”

And Steven Covey had this to say about trust – ‘Trust is the glue of life. It’s the mosttrust
essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”

And finally…”Trust lies at the core of love; there can be no true love without trust.” -M.K. Soni

Work on earning the things that are important in life today…

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Let the Light reign in your life…

November 8, 2015

“Darkness dwells within even the best of us. In the worst of us, darkness not only dwells but reigns.”  – Dean Koontz

girl cryingOne could substitute the word “evil” in Koontz’s quote and it would ring as true.  We certainly see and hear about enough things in the daily news to acknowledge that there exist those in who darkness or evil reigns. It is easy sometimes to be draw towards that dark side and to have dark thoughts or reactions in response to that news. Sometimes we succumb  to the darkness and it reigns in our lives.  Better, I think to heed the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. when dealing with darkness –

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

But, where do you turn to find the light and the love to combat darkness and hate? Since it is Sunday, I’ve got a suggestion – try going to church. If there is any place on earth that darkness cannot abide it is in the sanctuary of a church. There, whether in the midst of a crowd or sitting (or kneeling) by yourself, you come face to face with the one meLight that darkness cannot overcome.  You come in contact with the one Love that surpasses all understanding and forgives all sins. Hate cannot stand against the force of that Love.

When the famous bank robber Willie Sutton was asked why he robbed banks, he replied – “Because that’s where the money is.” One might use the same logic to answer the question why go to church, “Because that’s where God is.” Sure, it’s possible to find God outside of the church, but it makes the job all that much easier if you go to His house. Darkness lives under rocks and in deep recesses and avoids the light. Faith comes from above and is the LIGHT.  Let faith in and the darkness and hate will no longer reign in your life’s journey. Church is a good place to look for the light.

“Faith is not a light which scatters all our darkness, but a lamp which guides our steps in the night and suffices for the journey.”  – from Lumen Fidei – The first encyclical of Pope Francis.

So, faith does not vanquish all darkness from our lives, but it does allow us to proceed without tripping over things in the darkness. It does allow us to see a way out of the darkness and to see a future that, for some, the darkness of depression tries to rob. Yes, we may still experience hurtful things and pain and fear and losses – things that beckonhand reaching for heaven us into the darkness – but, if we keep our faith burning we will always be able to see the way back to the light. Some darkness may remain in your life, but it will not reign in your life. Let the Light in and give Him the reins of your life.

Have a great Sunday. Maybe I’ll see you in church or maybe I’ll just notice your light shining off in the distance.

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Beware the boomerang effect…

May 21, 2015

In Australia the native Aborigines developed a wonderful hunting weapon that would eitherboomerang hit and kill or disable the intended target (usually a small animal or bird) or it would fly back to the thrower, if it missed. I’m not sure what the Aborigines called it, but it was named the boomerang by someone. There are things in life that one can do, or attitudes that one can display, that almost always have what I call the boomerang effect…in other word s they come right back at you, most of the time with ill affect.

Examples include holding grudges, being spiteful or hateful, discriminating against others, bullying others, seeking revenge and more. I’m sure that each reader can probably think of a few more. They all have this in common; while they are actions or attitudes that are directed outward towards others they all reflect badly upon the person; thus they come back to cause harm to the originator. How? By making that person look like the ass that they are behaving like at the time.

hateful boomerangAll of the examples above and probably all that you can think of are negative things or behaviors and seldom does anything good come out of being negative. Secondly, they are all usually directed against someone or some group of people. They are meant to belittle or tear down those people or perhaps to cause them harm in retaliation for some perceived harm that they have caused. So you throw an insult out there or take an action designed to cause them some harm back. Beware the boomerang effect.

Sometimes life is like a sports event where the original infraction goes unnoticed by the refs, but the retaliation is seen by them and a penalty assessed against the person retaliating. One could look at that as being twice injured – once by the infraction and again because of thehockey penalty retaliation. Many time people have no idea what you might be responding to when you strike back in spite and retaliation against someone whom you feel has harmed you in some way. All that the innocent bystander sees is you being nasty to someone else. You come off as being an ass; and, to tell the truth, you are because you chose not to forgive and forget, but to try to get even. The boomerang effect has gotten you.

Life is not a zero-sum game, where there must always be a loser for every winner. One should not keep score in life of all of the perceived slights, or injuries or embarrassments that one suffers at the hands of others, be they real or imagined. Rather keep score of the number of times that you forgave that other person for their actions or hurtful remarks. Let them see that what they may have thrown at you missed the mark. Many times those things will boomerang back on them anyway, as others observe their behavior (and yours) and decide for themselves whether they want to be hateful and ugly or at peace with themselves and forgiving of others. Let them deal with their own boomerangs. Don’t add to the hate that already in the air by tossing your own boomerang out there, too.

I have found in life that nothing deflates the purveyors of hate and discontent more and faster than aiming their vitriol at someone who refuses to rise to the bait. Be the person who puts the flower into the barrel of the gun pointed at them, rather than pull your own gun and starting a battle. If you must fling boomerangs out there make them positive compliments to others and shows of affection towards others. Those tend to come back at you, too. Have a great day and watch what you throw out there.

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Enduring love is better than momentary passion…

March 30, 2015

‘Passion is momentary; love is enduring.”  – John Wooden

I’ve posted comments here a few times about the difference between passion (in the sense of the physical attractions and interactions between people) and true love. John Wooden’s little quote certainly applies to that scenario. The momentary enjoyment of passion for someone may masquerade as love in the minds of the participants for some time, maybe even years; however, eventually it is not enough gloss over the things that are missing without a base of true happy ceoupl silouettelove. Saying “I love being with you” (in the sexual sense) is not the same as saying “I love you”. It is the realization of this mistake that eventually leads divorces. Eventually there just isn’t enough sex and pleasure from it to cover up the things that aren’t there in the relationship. Eventually the haze of lust lifts and the warts that were hidden by it show through or the scars that were caused by other aspects of the relationship are no longer hidden.

Love, on the other hand, grows out in the open, midst the warts and the pains, the ups and downs in the relationship. Love embraces and builds upon the concept of friendship. People truly in love will often self-identify their life mate as being also their best friend in life. Don’t misunderstand that I’m somehow saying that you should substitute being a friend with your life mate for a healthy sex life. This is not an “either or” thing, but it needs to be an AND thing. There are many other dimensions to a loving relationship that also need friends holdi handsto be cultivated and developed; such as trust, dependability, honesty, openness, vulnerability and understanding. Look into any failed marriage and you will see that some or all of those things never developed between the partners. Those things are also traits of someone whom we would call an adult; someone who has grown up. It is not uncommon for the behavior of one of the parties in a divorce to be characterized as childish and that is probably true, that man or woman just never grew up and never accepted the role and responsibilities of an adult. For them being married was a big game of “playing house” in between the good parts in bed.

To get back to the basketball coach tie-in, I’ve often heard that this or that player has a true love of the game or the sport. They are not just passionate about it; most athletes have a passion for the sports that that participate in; however those who truly love the game embrace it at a different level and that dedication is something that coaches and other’s can see in them. It is an appreciation for the game’s history and traditions. They are recognized as students of the game. They study it. They appreciate its finer points and they understand where it came from, where it is and where it might go (in fact many of them go on to take the games to the next level). Many of these athletes end up as coaches of the game that they love. They had a passion for the game while they were actively playing it and they went on to turn that passion into a true love of the game.

In life, many of us never take that next step up from the passion that got us
loving coupletogether in the first place. We never explore more about our life partner than their body. We never care enough about what they want outside of the sex to understand why that isn’t enough. We never become friends, because we are too busy and too satisfied being lovers. How sad, if that is the case. The greatest opportunity that one will ever have in life to truly be happy may be with that person with whom you are already enjoying great sexual passion. If you cannot take that next leap of faith with them and truly open up and commit yourself to a loving relationship, then prepare yourself for the failure to come – the sex part is just not enough to carry you through. It’s interesting how many times I’ve talked to guys who were clueless that they were about to be divorced because they thought everything was going great (at least in bed) or who thought that having great sex would make up for everything else. It turned out there was nothing else and now they’re asking – “what happened?”

I can’t lay all of the blame on the guys here; because many women go into the relationships that fail for the same reason. The women, however, tend to be the ones who recognize that they want and need more from the relationship that just the passion. Some speak up about it (the clueless guys call that nagging), but some just suffer in silence until they reach the breaking point. I guess if I had some advice for them (and here I’m stepping way outside my comfort zone) it would be not to keep quiet; maybe nagging is the wrong way to do it, perhaps teaching is a better way to look at it. Remember that I’ve already said that most of the guys are clueless as to what you really want in a relationship, so it is up todog you to help them understand. Watch a few puppy training shows on TV and figure out how to use the “correct and reward” system that the trainers use. If that sounds too simple or silly, it isn’t. There is no more loyal companion, willing to give you unconditional love, than a well trained puppy/dog. (Don’t get upset guys, remember the reward part and it only gets better if you can learn and embrace how to play your part.)

Enough already about dog training. I may be wandering too close to the kinky sunday walkside by going there. The point is still that you need to develop the relationship beyond the passion in order to get to a truly loving relationship. That requires work. Those who do work at it are the ones who celebrate their 50th wedding anniversaries instead of ending up in divorce court. Live in the moment, enjoy the passion; but, make the effort to  build an enduring relationship with the one that you want to be there to celebrate that 50th anniversary.

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Come up for air and look around…

March 22, 2015

“Don’t let making a living prevent you from making a life.” – John Wooden

John Wooden was both a great basketball coach and a great life coach to his players. I suspect that the philosophy he expressed in today’s little saying was something that he worked hard at making his players understand. It is all too easy, especially in one’s younger years, to become focused, even driven, by the challenges of making a living and accumulating possessions and wealth.

There are few lessons in the schools that one goes through on the way to adulthood that are focused upon getting one’s life priorities in order and understanding the value of human relationships as opposed to material goods. Quite often it is well into adulthood, or maybe even during the declining years of life, before many really
father daughter wedding danceunderstand what is truly important in life verses the transient feeling of success that comes from that new possession or that extra money from a raise. Sometimes it occurs when a child finally moves away and you realize that you missed most of their growing years in pursuit of that next monetary reward. Sometimes it’s when you’re dancing with your daughter at her wedding. Sometimes you just awaken one morning and think, what the hell happened? Where did my life go?

If you sit and reflect back on life, the things that stick out or come to mind seldom have to do with the jobs and success you’ve had in them, but rather it’s about the people and the times that you enjoyed with them. You realize that what life you’ve made that ishappy wife and childmeaningful, you’ve made with those that you love and who’ve loved you in return. They did not give you that love because you got a raise or promotion at work; they opened themselves up to you because in those few moments that you focused upon them, there was joy and fulfillment. Don’t you wish that you had more of that and less of the things that you’ve accumulated?

"Image courtesy of Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net".

“Image courtesy of Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

In my real estate business, I get to work with people just starting out in life and those winding down at the other end. I find that couples at the far end of life who finally embrace the concept of downsizing and living a more simple life that is focused on each other are usually much happier than those whose lives are too busy with a focus upon“getting ahead.” That’s all quite natural. It’s usually only later in life that accumulated knowledge finally reaches a critical mass and turns into wisdom and out of that wisdom comes an understanding of what’s really important. That’s what Coach Wooden was trying to pass on to his players in today’s little quote. I suspect that the reaction was often, “Yea, right. Well, I gotta go now.” Youth is almost always impatient and arrogantly dismissive of advice from the older generation.

There are all sorts of “Stop and smell the roses” pieces of advice to be found in hundreds of famous quotes and all of them seem to point back to the need to come up for air from time to time and look around you and understand what’s important in life. It’s usually not what you’ve been focused upon doing as you try to “get ahead.” One might ask; ahead of what or of whom and why. I understand the need to make a livinghappy ceoupl silouette and to provide for your family; but keep in mind that “providing” for your loved ones also means giving them more than just possessions; it means providing them with some of yourself – your time, your attention and your  love.  It means taking the time to make a life, not just more money. So spend your time wisely this weekend. The job will still be there next week, but the opportunities that you have to accumulate experiences and share your love with the important people in your life will have passed. Come up for air and look around. Have a great weekend.

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Dive into the deep end of life…

February 15, 2015

When you’re a young child and your parents take you to the swimming pool, they might start you out in the kiddie pool – it’s shallow, it’s warm and feels good and it’s kiddie poolsafe for you. You can splash around there and the security of mommy being nearby is reassuring. As you grow older you eventually step over the little wall that separates the pools and enter the big pool. Still you stay down at the shallow end. The water is deeper and maybe you can actually swim a little now; however, it is comforting to know that if you tire, you can put your feet down and stand up.

Still later in life, most eventually venture into the deep end. Maybe you have floatees or swim noodles on the first time into those uncharted water, but you soon cast those off, embarrassed to require them now that you are swimming with the big boys. In the deep end, you must be able to swim because you can no longer touch the bottom with your feet. It is in this end that you can get into real trouble. It is in this end that your struggles and panic can drag others down with you. This is the deep end. This is life.

People grow and mature in body and mind at different rates, especially when looking at emotional maturity. The swimming pool experience provides a good metaphor for life. Some never leave the kiddie pool emotionally or perhaps don’t venture any further into emotional relationships than the shallow end where they can safely stand up and walk back away. A few never want to lose track of mommy and some cling to their emotional floatation devices forever. Listen to groups of teenage girls or even women
swimming pooltalking about their relationships and you’ll soon hear a litany of descriptions of boys and men who are still in the kiddie pool emotionally or who refuse to go beyond the shallow end in their relationships. These are usually frustrated women who are looking for guys who are willing to commit to the deep end of life with them, ready to discard their insecurities (and floatees) and commit to swimming together with them in a deep commitment to life together.

Sure they could go back to the shallow end and enjoy some meaningless physical relationship and maybe even have some fun for a time. Some do from time to time. And maybe they’ve had an experience with an insecure partnert clinging to them and trying to drag them down when they ventured into the deep end and struggled to keeplovers on the beach afloat. Eventually one finds that partner who is not afraid in the deep end and who provides the mutual support to help keep both of you afloat. That requires an ability to let down one’s guard and to be emotionally open. Like the game where you turn around, close your eyes and fall backwards, trusting that your partner will catch you and not let you be hurt; swimming in the deep end means swimming together with that level of openness and trust. That’s a hard, hard thing for many guys and for many women, too.

As you assess where you are in life emotionally, especially if you are in a relationship that is at that step-off point to the next level; ask yourself if you are ready for the deep end with this person? Are you willing to take off the floatees that you have been comfortable with – the guarded independent image that you have of yourself, the rock, the island image (Simon & Garfunkel had a song about that) – and instead open your heart and your mind to allow the new experiences dive inthat wait in the deep end of life. One cannot truly experience life until he can let go of “me” and fully embrace the concept of “we”. That’s what defines the deep end of life. Once you have tasted life at its fullest in that end of the pool of life, the shallow end will never be anything but that – shallow. Dive into the deep end of life!

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Three little words – Be my Valentine

February 14, 2015

‘Tis a day to dismiss the pithy or snarky and focus upon the import of the moment – Valentine’s Day. I recall this day from my youth as one of great hope and sometimes dashed dreams. It was the day when you saved your biggest and best Valentine card at school for the one that you secretly loved (or so you thought). Valentine cards were valentine kidsexchanged by walking around dropping the cards into the little bags on each other’s desks, in hopes that there would be some in your bag when you got back. As I got older it became a time of the year to try to impress the girl (or girls) of my dreams or perhaps to ask them out. All too often that resulted in finding an empty bag, too. Won’t you Be my Valentine?

Once I had found my life mate the day became one of giving something special to show my love and appreciation – sometimes candy and flowers, sometimes jewelry or other special or sparkly things. As we both grew older the day refocused upon our children and making it a special day for them. By the time we became empty-nesters again the holiday had taken on such a commercial air that it became tedious and boring, something to be largely ignored. After all, the Valentine’s candy and stuff had been out on the store shelves since mid-January in many cases. One can only look at so many frilly, heart shaped boxes before getting sick of them; especially the ones with the words Be my Valentine.

Still, it is a time for the young to chase their dreams of romance with the unapproachable apples of their eyes and for the Tween and teens to try to quench their burning hormones in chocolate. It is th time to see if a huge bouquet of flowers or a nice piece of jewelry will atone for a year’s worth of working too late and not having time for your mate. Hopefully you can take the time away from other distractions to helping handsask honestly that your life mate Be my Valentine.

If you take the time to pause and engage in a meaningful conversation, you might find that the answer to your request that your life mate be your valentine is something like, “Just be here” or “Pay attention to me” or perhaps even “Be who you were when we met.”  Valentine’s Day should be used for that pause and that reflection with your significant other and if you do say Be my Valentine, it should be felt and said with the same passion and dedication that got you together in the first place. So, rather than asking them to do something for you, perhaps you should ask them for permission for you to Be their Valentine.

Use Valentine’s Day not for gift giving and cutesy cards, but rather as a time to re-kindle the love that brought you together. A long hug and a lingering kiss that brings back memories will last longer and have a greater meaning for you both than all of the happy valentines dayflowers and candy you could buy. You will never have to be disappointed by an empty bag on your desk if you take the time to show love to the one that has chosen to spend their life with you. So grab a couple glasses of wine and snuggle down in front of the fire and raise a toast together that you both will always Be my Valentine.

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Do you see what I see?

December 25, 2014

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”  – Henry David Thoreau.

This time of year we hear a Christmas song with the question – Do you see what I see? I think Thoreau really had something in mind like that when he penned the line in today’s quote. One often hears in stories about crimes that police have eye witness reports that are all different, in other words the various people did not all see what the others saw. How can that be? Do you see what I see?

Without getting deeply existential about it, what we “see” when wedigital thinkinglook at something can be completely different than what another witness to the event saw, because we are both seeing it from different, personal perspectives. Perspective, in this case, is not about camera angles and instant replays; it’s really about how our life experiences and knowledge base filters and colors what we observe into what we “see.” That’s what the question is valid – Do you see what I see?

One witness at a shooting sees a man trying to surrender, while another sees the man making an aggressive move. Which is right? Maybe neither, since both are filtered and colored by the background of the observer. There are such great gulfs in cultures that a gesture made in greeting or friendship in one culture may be crowdtaken as threatening or disrespectful in another culture. Cross-cultural differences often result in awkward moments when decisions about whether to shake hands or give a hug are being pondered when someone new enters the room. I’ve experienced that a lot in family gatherings with our in-laws. They are from an eastern European background, where greetings with a hug and kiss are the norm. More than once I’ve been awkwardly expending a hand while they were approaching with open arms for a hug. We eventually get it right and I am more careful to watch now for their signals as to whether this will be a shake for a hug greeting. Do you see what I see?

But culture isn’t the only influence on what we “see” in our day-today living. The experiences that we’ve accumulated during our lives and the knowledge (hopefully wisdom) that we’ve built up also act as filters for what we see, hear and experience as we go along. There are saying about the loss of innocence as we grow up and that loss is because innocence (or ignorance, if you prefer) is supplanted by experience and knowledge. Some of that knowledge is based upon direct experiences, but quite a bit is based upon the experiences or knowledge of others that is passed down to us. Wetededy bears don’t have to experience a mauling by a real, live bear to “know” that the bear in the zoo is not the same cute and cuddly playmate that our first Teddy Bear was. We begin to “see” bears differently and we attach a certain caution about the potential danger when we observe them, especially if we ever saw them in the wild. Do you see what I see?

Unfortunately, not all of the “wisdom” that is passed between generations is good or even valid. We are not born with prejudices against people of certain color or ethnicity. Prejudice is something that we “learn” from the talk and actions of others (usually our parents and friends) and it impacts how we “see” the people that we have been conditioned to see differently. Are there caution flags that pop up in your mind when you see a person of a certain color or race? How did those get there? Do they always prove to be true? If not, of what use are they for you and how do you get rid of them? Do you see what I see?

It can take quite a bit of effort and time to retrain you mind so that it does not immediately attach false warnings or prejudices to the things that you observe – to see them differently.  A cute little article in the paper on Christmas Day focused upon a question from a child about the color of Santa Claus and an explanation santaused years ago on a TV show to explain how Santa can look like whatever he needs to look like to allow the observer to see what they what to see. Calling upon the magic of the season, the explanation given was that, as he came down the chimney into each house, Santa changed in ethnicity and color as was appropriate for that house. All the children just “saw” Santa. In this explanation, Santa was the perfect answer to the question – Do you see what I see?

But the real story of Christmas is about something that is impossible to observe with our eyes, but which can be seen if we look at it the right way. After all, how does one “see” pure love?  We may be able to observe the birth of a child, but not “see” the pure love of a God willing to sacrifice His only Son for the baby-boy-playing-with-his-footforgiveness of our sins. So, look past all of the decorations and the presents. Look beyond the trappings of the seasons and the staged events both secular and church-oriented. Peer deeply into the eyes of a newborn baby and “see” the pure and unadulterated love that is there. Do you see what I see?

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Hope is stronger than fear…

November 24, 2014

I happened to watch The Hunger Games over the weekend or at least a part of it. I hadn’t seen the movie, since we seldom go to movies anymore. At the end there is a scene in which the character Bow and ArrowSnow, played by Donald Sutherland, President of the Capitol in country of Panem  says, “The only thing stronger than fear is hope.” Snow and the Capitol rule Panem through the use of fear; but the success of Katniss and Peeta give hope to the people in the outlying Districts and they begin to riot.

While it was an interesting action film; and it is not necessarily what I would pay to go see; it did have an overall moral message of good overcoming evil and of Hope for the future. I’ve written here before about Hope. In fact Hope was the only candle left burning after the other three of the four had been extinguished in my post about the Four Candles. I also wrote about it in posts titled Hope Leads to Great Memories and my post, Don’t Worry, Be Hopeful.

Of those previous posts, I think the Four Candles one applies most to today’s theme that Hope is stronger than fear. There are so many troubled places in the world today where the first two or three candles have been extinguished; where Peace and Love are hard pressed to be found or expressed. In many of those places Faith, especially faith other than the stated religion of the rulers (or the dictated lack of religion) is hard to keep lit. Even in those evil places and under the worst of circumstances Hope may still be found.

In most of those places fear is the main tool of the oppressive rulers. Fear of being found out and turtletortured or killed, if one has different religious beliefs or maybe is even of a different sect within the same religious belief. Fear is a powerful tool. Fear can cause people to cower and stay in line. Fear can turn people against each other. Fear causes people to look at their shoes when evil acts take place right in front of them. Fear allows a small minority to rule over the great majority. But fear is not a foundation upon which to build the future. Fear does not encourage and support.

Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Hope allowed people in East Berlin to take the chance to run across mine fields and through barbed wire in order to get to freedom. Hope getting outprovides the courage and the persistence for families to make long journeys through rugged terrain in places like Iraq to get to a better place. It is Hope for a better life for their children that sustain people through the long hours of toil necessary to give their children a chance at a better life. It is Hope that allows the other three candles to be relit if only one waits long enough and has Hope enough. And it is Hope that steels the backbone and steadies the hand in the face of overwhelming odds; it certainly cannot be logic or knowledge.

President Snow in The Hunger Games was right to call out Hope as the biggest threat to his reign. People with Hope will overcome fear and great odds and will eventually prevail. Once they have tasted victory, they will move on relight to the candles of Faith, Love and, eventually, Peace. I have no idea what happens in the next two episodes of the Hunger Games trilogy, but I suspect that they will inevitably move towards victory for the oppressed people of Panem and the rekindling of the other three candles.

butterfly1In our world one can hold onto Hope for people stuck in places like China and North Korea, much of the Middle East and many places in Africa, plus the places in Eastern Europe still ruled by dictatorships based upon repression and fear. If one were to pray for help for those areas, it should not be that they somehow magically change overnight (that will not happen); rather pray that Hope is kept alive in the hearts and minds of the oppressed. Eventually it will be that Hope that will allow the people to find a way to overcome the dictators and throw off the shackles of fear and repression.

In our own day-to-day lives, it is our Hopes and dreams that keep us going, too. Hope represents our future and having no Hopes would mean having no future. Many of us might Hope for better futures for our children and work to make that happen. Then, we might hold out Hope for our grandchildren’s future, too. As we get older we might shift our focus to Hoping for a long and healthy life and for comfort and security in our waning years; but, we never lose Hope. Eventually, it is the Hope found in our religious beliefs that help us overcome the biggest fear of all – the fear of death.

What are your Hopes? How does Hope help you overcome your fears. How does Hope sustain you?

I Hope you have a great and Hopeful week ahead.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Three little words that can change your life… You complete me. (9 of ?)

March 29, 2014

Sometimes the simplest little things can have big impact on our lives. In this series of posts I examine very short sentences (each just three words long) that can make a difference in your life. If you have a three word sentence that changed your life somehow, share it with me and I will share it with the world.

I was surprised when I Googled this little phrase to see so much already posted about this. I sort of remembered it from the Tom Cruise movie Jerry McGuire, but it was the history going back to the ancient Greeks and Plato that surprised me (click here to read that article post on the Relevant Magazine site). Greek mythology has an elaborate explanation of how the human race was split into male and female by the god Zeus out of the androgynous offspring of the moon. The entire two parts of a whole thing is a fascinating read and is said to have led to the phrase “my better half” in our modern lexicon.

While not mentioned in the Google response I was thinking when I read it that the Chinese Yin andyin yang Yang Taoist symbols apply there, too; although in the Taoist beliefs they represent opposing forces in constant battle and not two parts that make up a whole. Of course, we all know couples that seem to be in constant battles, too.

Another thing that surprised me a bit is how overuse and maybe sometimes inappropriate use of this little phrase, some of it based upon the movie, has served to marginalize it. The phrase has not totally taken on the guise of a caricature in the vernacular yet, but it isn’t far from that. It’s referred to somewhat derogatorily as “an old soul mate saying” in many of the Google responses. That’s a shame, because for many it still has great personal meaning.

There is great value in the phrase when it is meant to allude to the love and companionship that may have been missing in one’s life that are filled by a meaningful relationship. Perhaps instead of “you complete me” the more appropriate phrase would be, “you fill the void that was in my life.” Over time, in long-term relationships, more and more layers of meaning are added to that little phrase.

old cooupleCouples in long term, committed relationships that last, move through phases in life, in which some things that were primary to the relationship in the beginning fade into the background; and new things, or things that were there all along but just not front and center, take more prominent rolls. Where once two bodies intertwined; now, two souls have become enmeshed. The heat of ardor and lust is replaced by the warm comfort of love and companionship. The rapid heartbeat of passion is replaced by the reassuring heartbeat of companionship. The two persons almost seem as one. Together they are strong and capable and unafraid, but apart they may become disoriented, confused and anxious.

You may have known older couples like that and thought, “How cute is that?” Sometimes they

"Image courtesy of Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net".

“Image courtesy of Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

shuffle along, supporting each other, maybe holding hands or with arms intertwined. It wasn’t cute; you were witnessing true love and commitment; and, each of them made the other complete. I suspect that is why you occasionally hear of both parties in one of those relationships dying within days of each other. It is often been said that they couldn’t stand to be apart – they had become incomplete.

So, rather than snicker when you hear those three little words or thinking of the Tom Cruise movie or toss the line off cavalierly ; think about that little old couple shuffling along in the mall together. They have found something together that you can only hope you find in your life. They understand and are living the commitment that they made to each other. They know that the other half of them will be there in times of need. They have made each other complete. You should be so lucky.

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Posted by Norm Werner

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