I don’t need to hear you talk…I need for you to listen

October 4, 2018

I recently wrote a post about getting things out of the shadows. One of those things was depression. As happens every time that I mention depression, I got several likes/comments/follows from people who are dealing with, or have dealt with, depression.

I sometimes go look at the blog sites of people who follow my blog and in this case I perused a post on one of the blog sites that had some interesting advice for those trying to be a help to someone suffering from depression. That post was titled “Why I tried to Commit Suicide”

The gist of the advice from that post was that the person suffering through depression who may reach out for help is not looking for a cheerleader to tell them that everythinggirl with smile picture will be OK. Instead, they are looking for someone to listen to them, share their pain and perhaps offer support.

This blogger also pointed out a common mistake that would-be helpful friend often make – trying to help by reminding them that things could be worse.

In today’s post to the Jack’s Winning Words blog, the quote that Jack used seemed appropriate –

“Knowing that there is worse pain doesn’t make the present pain hurt any less.”  (Gordon Atkinson)

I would characterize the advice of the blogger who shared her journey through the dark tunnels of depression to those who may be trying to help someone suffering through that trauma as follows:

I don’t want your pity; I want your support.

I don’t want to hear how great things are from your point of view; I want you to help me find a way out from my point of view.

I don’t need to hear you talk; I need for you to listen.

That last point may be the most important. When we try to “help” people we all tend to rush to some quick conclusion of what we think we need to do and we start talking.  Basically, we stop listening and start giving advice, even if we don’t yet understand the problem.  We usually miss the signs from that person that we just made a mistake.depression2 Unfortunately, the person who was seeking our help sinks back behind the shield that they had temporarily lowered to ask for our help. They may smile back and nod their head in apparent agreement, but we blew the opportunity to really help.

There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak. (Simon Sinek)

Unfortunately, most of us are so full of ourselves that we are just waiting for the next opportunity to speak, in order to show how brilliant we are. We don’t understand how stupid phrases like “I know how you feel” or “I feel your pain” sound to the person that we think we are trying to help. A more honest statement might be, “I can’t imagine the pain that you are feeling, but I want to try to help.”

caringYou can’t really help until you understand the issues that are causing the pain for that person and you will never understand them until you listen to them. If you have to speak, just ask more questions to keep the conversation focused upon getting to the root of the problems that the person is having such trouble dealing with. Only then can we begin to really try to help.

There are many ways to approach problem solving, once we understand the problems. I have posted her a few time on approaches that might help in this situation as well as helping us solve our own problems. See –

https://normsmilfordblog.com/2014/03/05/problem-solving-101/

and

https://normsmilfordblog.com/2015/02/05/making-the-turns-in-life/

Those are two of those posts on problem solving.

However, the point of today’s missive is not to give advice about the solution that you may offer to someone who seeks you help; but, rather, to help you find the best way to help them by listening to them. You may not need to do anything other than that for them.

I think L. J. Isham  put it well – “Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire listento be with another which both attracts and heals.”

If you want to help – LISTEN!

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What will you hear?

September 19, 2017

“A wise man hears one word and understands two.”  (Yiddish Proverb) – from my favorite source for quotes, a recent post to the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

Jack went on to write about reading between the lines and understanding that there is listeningusually more to what someone is saying than just the words that they may use. One must listen for nuances in the delivery of those words and observe the body language that is also going on. Unfortunately, too many people re so busy thinking about what they want to say next to pay the kind of attention to the speaker that they need to use, in order to really “hear” what they are saying.

What do you hear when the other party is speaking in a conversation? Do you sense and feel the pain that may be there? Can you see that, beyond the brave front that the wordshelp-me may be putting up, there is fear or sorrow or concern that needs to be shared and needs your empathy and help? Can you hear the excitement or joy that the other person may be trying to share with you? Do you listen for the cues that a follow-up question is more important that what you may have wanted to say next?

If all that you hear is “blah, blah, blah”, while you are waiting to jump in with your next thought; then you need to work on being a better listener and perhaps a better friend or person. People have conversations because they want to share things from their lives. They may be looking for reassurance or for help. They may just think that something that they did is interesting enough that you might find it interesting, too. Maybe they just listenneed to “get it off their chest” and are hoping that you provide that sympathetic ear.

Not everyone has time for a full medical report from everyone they meet when they ask “How are you doing?”; however, perhaps that is an opening to set up a longer meeting later to discuss whatever it is that they need to share.  If you really don’t care; then don’t ask. If you do care; then either listen now or listen later, but listen.

So, be a wise man and a good friend and listen between the lines for the unspoken Do you need a hugsignals that indicate that the person that you are talking to may have deeper needs than are being expressed in the words.  Someday you’ll be the one who needs a friend to listen to your problems and you’ll be glad that they listened for the words that were between the lines. What will you hear today?

 


Listen and help, listen and learn…

August 5, 2017

Two quotes from recent posts to the Jack’s Winning Words blog seem to fit together nicely to illustrate the benefits of being a good listener.

“All people want is someone to listen.”  (Hugh Elliott)

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“A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.”  (Wilson Mizner)

It seems like there are nightly stories on the news shows about people complaining that no one in their local government is listening to them or at least ignoring what they have to say. Much of the psychiatric and psychological practices in modern medicine aredebaters based upon careful listening. It would seem that many of the problems in politics today could be attributed to the two main sides not taking time to listen to the other. In our daily lives we encounter many opportunities to listen to others; but, how many of us really put the effort into listening, rather than getting ready for the next things that we want to say?

We often greet others with trite little sayings for which we don’t really expect much of an answer, and certainly not a full conversation. Saying “Hi. How are you?” is not really an invitation for the other party to go into an in-depth medical report. However, seeing someone you know who has been through something in their life that was disruptive and saying something like “How have you been since you go out of the hospital?” is an handshakeinvitation to a conversation and an expression of concern and care about that person. That conversation will deserve a good listener and there will be therapeutic value in the attention that you pay to the other party. They may rally need to share with someone who is willing to listen.

The other potential benefit of being a good listener is that you learn things and it builds you knowledge base. Good listening is a constant process of hearing, evaluating, sorting and storing or discarding the information that you hear. Listening is not considered to be as strong of a learning experience as seeing and perhaps that is because so few people really listen well. It takes commitment and concentration to listen well. That means that you suspend for the moment your thoughts about what you want to say next and focus on that is being said by the other party. For most of us that is a hard thing to do.

In poker the players watch the others in the game intently looking for what are called “tells”, which are visual clues that manifest themselves in the other players’ facial expression or body language to give away whether they have a good or maybe are just bluffing. In conversations there are “tells” that indicate whether the other person isarrogant really listening to you or just thinking about their next opportunity to speak. You can see their lack of eye contact or the expression on their face. It’s that look of, “Oh God, I really didn’t want to hear about your problems; I’ve got problems of my own.” Good listeners will be paying close attention to your words and may interject some words of encouragement or understanding as you speak. Good listeners may also ask questions about the topic that you were expounding upon, because they are processing the information and want to learn more about it.

listenAre you a good listener? Do you commit to listen when engaging others in conversation or do you just do join the conversation so that you can interject your point of view without real regard for their position? That is the unfortunate situation in the political environment in our county today. The Bible has this to say about those who do not listen, but only want to talk. “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” – Proverbs 18:2.

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“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” – Proverbs 18:13

Don’t be the fool who dos not listen, but chimes in with his/her answer before the question is complete. Take the time to listen. The speaker will appreciate it and you may even learn something. Have a great weekend.


Do you hear the whispers?

August 25, 2016

From a recent Jack’s Winning Words blog comes this thought

“After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.”  (Aldous Huxley)

I’ve written a few times here about the power of music in our lives – it’s ability to alter our mood by evoking memories (think of your favorite love song or song about a lost love) or conjuring up imagery in our minds eye (the song Eye of the Tiger comes to mind). Songs can have a powerful influence on our lives, but not nearly the power of silence.

It is in total silence that our mind is free to wander on its own and to focus upon hearing that small littlesilence voice that is always trying to get through to us – perhaps the voice of God; trying, as always, to call us back to Him.

There is a saying that we have on a little plaque on our kitchen wall that seems appropriate:

“Make time for the quiet moments, as God whispers and the world is loud.”  (Greg Olson)

We live in such a fast-paced and loud world that making time for silence is hard; yet it is essential to our well-being and to the practice of our faith. It is a well-known public speaker technique to begin to speak softly when you’re faced with a noisy audience. It causes everyone to stop speaking themselves and to lean in to try to hear what the speaker is so softly wonderingsaying. Perhaps God uses that technique to get our attention by whispering to us. We really have to lean in in order to hear what He is saying.

There is a time before church every week; before the organist starts playing the prelude to the service and before the sanctuary fills with the buzz of people still talking about their secular lives, where I often see one or two people quietly sitting in the pews, taking advantage of the silence to pray or listen for the voice of God. Sometimes you will find people just sitting in church during the week doing the same thing. They are making quite moments and listening for the whispers of God.man praying

One doesn’t have to be in church to listen for God, but it does help to be in quite surroundings, in silence, if possible. For many, those moments may come at night, while lying in bed; if they are able to shut out the thoughts of the rest of the day and focus upon the silence. Even then, God waits for you to initiate the conversation; but, once you call on Him, listen intently to the whispers that you will hear in reply. It is the Shepard calling and as is written – “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” – John 10:27

So, listen up people…God has something to say to you.


Be there for someone today…

May 23, 2016

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something.”  (H. Jackson Brown Jr) – as seen recently on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

timidYou will meet many people this week and all of them will be people for whom the little quote above applies. Many of them may also be someone who is need of someone else to share their fears or sadness or love with; someone who cares about them and their situation or condition. Maybe that can be you.

Our typical greeting of, “How are you?” has become such a throw-away line that we really don’t expect an answer, other than perhaps the retort, “Fine, how are you?” We ask without really caring about the other person. If anything, we respond because we want to tell them about our troubles or issues, in hopes of evoking their empathy with our situation.

I meet very few people in day-to-day life who seem really interested in the response to their, “How are you?” question. The more normal interaction is with someone who is chopping at the bit to tell me about themselves ad to share their problems. When I do meet someone who is genuinely interested in understanding me it is almost immediately obvious that their opening question, was just that – the beginning of what they hope to be a dialogue that will answer their other questions, like who are you, what makes you tick, what interesting things can I learn about you and from you? I’ve written here before that Pastor Doug McMunn, Pastor of the Milford United Methodist Church, is one such person.

How can you tell when you’ve met such a person? Well for one, they will spend much more time listening than talking themselves. They will ask short open-ended questions andempathy then intently listen to your answers. They will express empathy or sympathy, while also offering support and encouragement. You will also notice that you start to feel better because you found someone with whom you can share things that may have been nagging at you or even overwhelming you. Figuratively (and perhaps literally), you have found a shoulder to cry upon. You’ll feel better and they will too, for having been there for you.

How can you pay it forward? Be there for someone else this week. Be that good listener. Mean it when you ask the question, “How are you?” Stop and offer a shoulder to cry upon; then offer the support and encouragement that they need to move on in life. Help that person understand that they are not alone in their pain or sorrow or fears. Help them extract those demons and deal with them.

Do you need a hugThere is a rather famous sports clip of the late Jimmy Valvano running around the court after NC State won the 1983 National Championship game (click here to view ). He would later say that he was just running around looking for someone to hug. Many of us are like that in life. We run around through life looking for someone to hug. Be there this week to get and give that hug.


What will you get out of today?

April 16, 2016

“If you haven’t found something strange during the day, it hasn’t been much of a day.”  (John Wheeler) – from a recent post on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

I might have put it a different way – “If you haven’t learned something new today, it hasn’t been much of a day.” The thought is pretty much the same. Hopefully each day brings opportunities to learn something new. Some days may, in fact, present stranger things than others to learn from; but all days likely have something new that we should take note of, if we pay attention. Paying attention is probably the key to learning anything. So much of our attention these days is diverted towards the device in the palm of our hand that we miss many things going on around us.

Much of want you can learn on any given day comes out of the interactions that you have with the people that you encounter. All of them walk into your life from a direction that is handshake3different from where you were looking and they all carry different information and different points of view. Haven’t you ever wondered how things look from their perspective? If you encounter people with backgrounds that vary greatly from yours, maybe an immigrant or a person from a different ethnic group, haven’t you ever been curious how much different their take is on things than yours? Did you ever ask? What did you learn from that? It’s OK to start from the position of “I don’t understand you”; however, it is wrong to jump from there to “and I don’t like you, or I’m afraid of you, because of that.” Why not try to use the experience to learn something about that person. You may be surprised by who they really are.

Other learning opportunities grow out of the adversity that may come your way on any given day – roadblocks to achieving a goal or unexpected disruptions or rifts in a roadblocksrelationship with a friend or loved one. Not only can you learn problem solving techniques from each incident, but you also learn something new about yourself and about the other parties involved (and adversities almost always involve other parties). Try to make each encounter with adversity a learning experience.

Stop and ask yourself if you understand the differing point of view of the person with whom you are having some difficulty. Understand that whether or not you feel that their disagreement2point of view has merit; to them it is the perspective from which they are viewing the situation and the basis upon which they are making their decisions. Ask yourself if you
even considered that point of view? Now that you understand their perspective does it change your position at all? If not, why not? Obviously there are different ways of looking at the situation and no way to determine that your way of seeing it is the “right” way to see things. Maybe there is a compromise that you just have not yet considered. To overlook that possibility leads only to polarization and stalemate.

At the end of each day, take a moment to think back on the day and see if you can pick out the things that you learned during the day. That is a great way to actually make thosebored learning experiences a part of your knowledge base and a step towards turning knowledge into wisdom. What did you see today? Who did you meet today? What did you learn today? What did you get out of today?


Spread the smiles today…

November 3, 2015

“A word or a smile is often enough to put fresh life in a despondent soul.”  (St Therese of Lisieux)

St ThereseWe can’t all be Saints, but most of us could try to emulate St. Terese of Lisieux, who believed in responding to the problems and people of the world with a smile and an attitude that said, “How can I help?”  Most often her solution was to pray for the people that she encountered or who needed help and apparently those prayers worked many times.

We all encounter people during the day who look distressed or unhappy. Many times our inclination is to turn away, to avoid eye contact and hope that they go away. How much more helpful it would be if we took St. Thereis’ advice and instead put a smile on our faces and speak to them.

Maybe you don’t feel like you have the time to devote to the answer if you ask, “Is anything wrong? Can I help you?” After all you have places to go and people to see; things to do and tasks to be accomplished. You don’t have time for a conversation with this person or to deal with whatever issuescaring are troubling them. Maybe you don’t have time NOT to do that.

Take a moment to reflect on what it would be like if you were hurting from a loss or an emotional trauma of some sort and no one would even look at you, much less offer to help by just listening to your story. How lonely you would be: how worthless you would feel. If you can feel that in yourself; then, recognize it in others. Be the one who stops and asks and then takes the time to listen.

Sometimes there is little that you can do but to smile and listen; to commiserate and reassure; to say it will be alright, even if you can’t figure out how. Many times that is enough to put that fresh life in a despondent soul. Sometimes a hug and a stroke on the hair of the person in need is better than band aids and pills that doctors might dispense.

caregiver handsWhen you stop and think about it, is there anything else that you might have had planned to do today that is more important than reaching out to help someone else in need? Somehow I doubt it. And for that person that you helped, you were the most important person in their life today; you were their hero. How much more important than that could you wish for?

Now, maybe you won’t have an encounter like that which was described above; maybe you’ll just pass a few people who were in a down mood until they saw the smile on your face and that had a positive impact on them, too. Maybe your smile got passed on to a few of them and then they passed it on again, until soon 20-30 people were sharing your smile. What a great contribution you’ve made that day.smiling girl Perhaps you’ll need to get a bit of it back later in the day, if you’ve encountered some difficulty. If you see someone else smiling, and that helps you; take a moment to see if you recognize that smile; maybe it was yours coming back to help you.

Have a great day and week ahead and spread the smiles. And, if you get the chance; strop and ask someone in need if you can help them.