Don’t wait for the perfect situation…

April 5, 2016

“Do what you can with what you have where you are.”  (Theodore Roosevelt) – as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog recently.

waitingDo you tend to procrastinate because things aren’t just right for you to take action on things? We often hear people lamenting that that can’t do something because the timing isn’t right or that they aren’t where they need to be or that what they can do is not as much as they want to do…so they do nothing. “Do what you can with what you have where you are.” 

I think that Roosevelt’s advice is particularly important when one considers the big issues of our time – the poverty and need that surround us or the prejudices, intolerance and bigotry that seem to be all around us or perhaps or perhaps the pain and suffering of wars and natural disasters that we see on the nightly news.  After all, what can one individual do about those big issues? Take Roosevelts advice and “Do what you can with what you have where you are.” 

You can’t solve those problems by yourself, but you can be a part of the larger efforts thatgiving are underway to help. Join the efforts that are underway by groups like the Salvation Army, the Red Cross, Lutheran Social Services or other non-profit groups. Contribute to them or, better yet, join in their fund raising efforts or in the work that they do to collect and distribute needed items of food, clothing or household goods. Volunteer to work on a house that Habitat for Humanity is building. Fill backpacks with food for the Blessings in a Backpack effort to provide food for needy school children who might not otherwise have anything to eat over the weekends. Donate money or food or household items to local groups like Community Sharing. In other words, “Do what you can with what you have where you are.” 

When you see a friend, a neighbor or relative in obvious pain due to the loss of a loved one or perhaps in a state of depression, due to the burdens of life, don’t hesitate, waiting for them to invite you to help or for that perfect moment to offer your help. Jump in and offer a shoulder to cry on, a hug to offer support and an ear to listen to their story. You don’t have to be a physiatrist to recognize their need nor a professional counselor to offer them support or relief; just, “Do what you can with what you have where you are.” 

seerving othersSo, don’t wait for life’s perfect moments to jump in and do something to help. Those moments are now, when you recognize the need and the something that you can do, the something that is needed, is for you to get started and take action. There is a theory called Chaos Theory that postulates that even the flapping of a butterfly’s wings half way around the globe causes an effect on the weather on the other side of the globe. So, be the butterfly and start flapping your wings and your little efforts to fix the problems that you see around you, where you are, with what you have to give will have an impact around the world. “Do what you can with what you have where you are.” 

Have a great and action filled week ahead.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Don’t rush to judgement…

February 23, 2016

“Behind every person is s story; behind every story is a person. So think before you judge, because judging someone doesn’t label who they are, it labels who you are.” – The Minds Journal.com – as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog recently.

There are many people who rush to judgement or even pre-judge people that they meet in boredday-to-day life, and that is their loss. What pops into your mind if you see a person of color coming towards you with dreadlocks and dresses in Hip Hop fashion? How about if you see a person dressed in distressed skinny jeans or a young lady with purple hair and a nose ring? Did you have good thoughts? Did you think, “Oh, how interesting, I want to meet this person”; or did your thoughts turn to “How can I avoid this person?” What do you think they were thinking about you?

It is all too easy and, unfortunately, all too normal to base our initial reactions and visualizingjudgement about people based solely upon their appearance. Others might rush to judge based upon their voice or maybe the vocabulary that they use or perhaps the accent that is evident in their speech. We all tend to stereotype or profile the people that we meet based upon some set of criteria that lurks in the back of our minds. That’s unfortunate and usually a mistake, since we have no real proof to go on when pre-judging people that we’ve just encountered.

It’s easy to understand the last part of today’s quote. It is this tendency to rush to some stereotypical judgement that leads to the labels racist or bigot or homophobic for the people who do the judging. Most would be quick to defend themselves; claiming not to be what they have been labeled; however, the proof is in their reactions and not their denials.predjuices The proof is usually found in their words to, since they tend to define broad categories of people that they have some issue about or judgement of. Thus, in their minds it is ALL blacks, or ALL gays, or ALL the homeless who possess and display the characteristics that they fear or abhor.

One wonders how these people might react if they were required to wear a scarlet letter like Hester Prynne, only with the letter B or maybe H on it, so that all could see their label. That would at least make it obvious at a glance to those who encounter them what kind of person they really are.

The real advice in today’s little quote is to take the time to get to the story behind the helperperson. I know that I’m not the only one who’s ever wondered how the homeless man sitting on the corner with a sign that reads “will work for food” got into that situation. We use a prayer for forgiveness in church every week,asking that we be forgiven for the things that we have done and those things that we have left undone.  I have not stopped to ask or to help and that is my loss for leaving that undone. When I have taken the time to get to the story behind the person that I see in front of me there is usually something to learn and someone that I end up enjoying knowing. Try it yourself: you might be pleasantly surprised.

Today, promise yourself, before you leave the house; that should you encounter someone who looks a little different or dresses a little different or speaks a little different that you will not rush to judgement. Be pleasant and say “Hi”. If the opportunity is there; rather than avoiding that person, introduce yourself and start the process of understanding the story behind that person. You might be fascinated by the story that unfolds and perhaps you’ll even make a new friend. You’ll also have the opportunity to dispel the preconceived notions that they might have about encountering you. After all, you can look pretty scary to them, too, with that scowl of disapproval on your face.

Don’t rush to judgement; rush to understanding instead.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Life is not about black and white or shades of gray…

November 21, 2015

“Life is about using the whole box of crayons.”  (RuPaul) – as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog some time ago.

girl with smile pictureAs young children we tend to use the whole box of crayons and we don’t worry all that much about staying within the lines either. We just experience life as it comes, without prejudices or pre-conceived notions. As we get older, “adults” around us start “explaining” things to us. They give us the rules that they say we should live by. They start taking away some of our crayons. As they work to make us “safer”, things can begin to get a bit duller. There are fewer crayon colors and they are less vibrant. As time goes on, and as we add more and more rules to our lives. Things can become more shades of gray than vibrant colors. For a few, things even lose the shades and everything becomes black and white.

I think that a part of what causes us to lose the ability to use and appreciate the whole box of crayons in our lives is our need to understand things and our fear of things that we do not understand. We meet people who are different from us. Some differences like the color of their skin are easy to understand; but then we encounter other things about them that might be different – how they dress and talk or maybe how they act. We don’t understand those differences and, out of thattimid lack of understanding, there grows confusion and eventually fear.

The confusion that we experience when being around people who are different from us often springs from not understanding how we should react to the differences or even if you should react at all. The confusion quickly morphs into discomfort and that discomfort may eventually turn to fear or hate – all because the other person was coloring with different crayons than you are used to in your life.  Interestingly enough, those same people when interviewed often say that being around you makes them uncomfortable too and many have fears about you.

For many there is a progression of retiring different crayons and moving slowly towards shades of gray or just black and white. That happens when they keep defining new rules for their lives; rules that restrict what they will do or with whom they will associate.  They may throw away the crayons that have to do with people of certain races or ethnic backgrounds. Therefore they will never experience the vibrant colors of the cultures of those people and their own world will become a bit grayer. They may stubborn muledecide to throw away the crayons of people who look and talk like them, but who have a different lifestyle or perhaps just a difference of religion or even politics – the picture just got even grayer. Finally they decide that things really can be defined only as right or wrong by their standards; that there is no need for shades of gray; that everything can be colored as black and white.

Beware the people that you meet who are sure that everything is black or white, good or evil, right or wrong (at least as they define things).  They have lost the ability to see and appreciate all of the colors in the box of crayons that life has to offer. They have thrown away all of their crayons except the two that define absolute dark and light. All too often the next step is that they embrace the black crayon in their lives and retreat into the darkness.

It is interesting that adult coloring books are a hot item right now and that there are even adult coloring parties being held in homes or bars. People are rediscovering the fun of using the whole box or crayons (or colored pencils). Hope fully that will become a metaphor for their lives and they will expand the box of crayons that define their life experiences. For it is out of the experiences that come from diversity that life comes alive in the vibrant colors of many cultures. There is more that those cultures have to offer than an occasional take-out food order orfacing new day ethnic restaurant visit. There is art and music, literature and language, traditions and customs that all use different crayons to render life in new colors. So get out of your grey zone of comfort; break out the crayon box and use all of the colors. What you’ll discover is a beautiful rainbow of experiences and a more colorful and satisfying life.

What colors are you using from your crayon box?

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Posted by Norm Werner

Be the spark for someone today…

October 26, 2015

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” – Albert Schweitz

I’ve posted here a few times about being positive and helping others. I’ve talked about being the rainbow in somebody’s life. Recently I had series of posts that wandered off a bit into the dark side of life and battling back from that. I received lots of feedback from people who have been though depressions and from some for whom it is still an issue.

I was going to write a post about dealing with depression; but, I realized that I have no business trying to do that. I have no experience or personal frame of reference for the girl cryingfeelings of someone who is undergoing depression.  I’ve had my share of disappointments, times of great sadness, or loss and feelings of failure at something or thoughts of inadequateness; however, I’ve never gone further than to approach the abyss that depression can apparently become.

As I was reading on the topic of depression, I ran across many great quotes from people who have had personal experiences with depressions and made it back out (or who are in a recovery mode). Many if those quotes made reference to the darkness. There were also many well-meaning advice quotes, which  seem to have a recurring theme of looking for the light in the midst of the darkness. Many of the quotes written by the people who had experienced it or were still in a state of depression seemed to be saying, “Let me alone, I prefer the dark”. That just didn’t seem to me to be very helpful – to just back off and ignore the pain of depression, if one sees it in a friend. One quote that I found seemed to sum up the role of a true friend for someone who is depressed.

If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’tdark alley a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”  ― Stephen Fry

While I may never be able to understand the crippling impact that depressions can have on someone, I can at least try to be there for them when they come out the other side; hopefully to help rekindle hope in their lives. So, maybe our role is just to be there. To say, “Welcome back”; to prove that somebody does care and love them, even when they don’t love themselves.

Andrew Solomon, author of The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression, posted this piece of advice for well-meaning people who don’t understand or see depression as a medical condition that may require long-term medications to control.

“Since I am writing a book about depression, I am often asked in social situations to describe my own experiences, and I usually end by saying that I am on medication.

“Still?” people ask. “But you seem fine!” To which I invariably reply that I seem fine because I am fine, and that I am fine in part because of medication.

“So how long do you expect to go on taking this stuff?” people ask. When I say that I will be on medication indefinitely, people who have dealt calmly and sympathetically with the news of suicide attempts, catatonia, missed years of work, significant loss of body weight, and so on stare at me with alarm.

“But it’s really bad to be on medicine that way,” they say. “Surely now you are strong enough to be able to phase out some of these drugs!” If you say to them that this is like phasing the carburetor out of your car or the buttresses out of Notre Dame, they laugh.

“So maybe you’ll stay on a really low maintenance dose?” They ask. You explain that the level of medication you take was chosen because it normalizes the systems that can go haywire, and that a low dose of medication would be like removing half of your carburetor. You add that you have experienced almost no side effects from the medication you are taking, and that there is no evidence of negative effects of long-term medication. You say that you really don’t want to get sick again. But wellness is still, in this area, associated not with achieving control of your problem, but with discontinuation of medication.

“Well, I sure hope you get off it sometime soon,” they say. ”

woman in a bubbleI’m sure that the same dialogue would not occur if the discussion was about the insulin that a diabetic needs to live a normal life or the oxygen that someone with COPD might be hauling around with them. As a society, we need to think of the medications that help prevent or lessen depression with the same level of acceptance. It’s time we moved our thoughts about depressions and mental illness out of the dark places in our minds and become the enlightened friends that can really be helpful to those in need.

Faith is one of the things that can get temporarily lost for many who undergo such deep journeys into the darkness of depression. Yet for others it is their faith that helps them find the light and see the way out of the darkness.  Ann Marie Aguilar said it this way – “If darkness surrounds you, look for the light. If you can’t see it, raise your head up. You may be surrounded by darkness but it does not cover you on top. Let the light shine down on you andhand reaching for heaven let it lead the way out of darkness.”

One thing that turning to one’s faith can do is to provide a way out of the dark, one-way alley called “I’m not worthy.” Faith does not require you to be worthy; it only requires you to be willing to embrace God and receive the forgiveness and grace that was ransomed by His Son Jesus on the cross. Faith allows you to let go of the things that have been troubling you by allowing you to give up the fight to control things that you cannot control by saying “Not my will; but, thy will be done.” Faith allows you to love yourself and therefore to allow others to love you, too. Faith may also free you from guilt, so that you can seek the help that is available through modern drugs and psychotherapy.

caringHave a great week ahead. If you know of someone who suffers from bouts of depression, don’t turn away; be there for them. Be the friend that rekindles their spark of hope and pray for them to find their way back to their faith and out of their personal dungeon of depression.

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Don’t try to understand those you trust…

August 6, 2015

“When you really trust someone, you have to be okay with not understanding some things.”  (Gordon Atkinson) – as seen on the blog Jack’s Winning Words.

My wife and I have been married for 49 years (yes – next year is the Golden biggie) and I take this little saying to heart, because there are still things that I don’t understand about her, but I love her and I trust her.

man with key to mindDo you have someone whom you trust but don’t always understand? I suspect that we all do. It is in the nature of humans that they always hold something back to themselves, something that maybe others don’t understand, even those close to them. The trick here is getting to that acceptance part where it becomes OK with you not to understand some things about them.  In fact, the real trick may be getting to where you don’t worry at all about not understanding, you just accept them as they are.

Getting to that level of acceptance of another person’s quirks or point of view on things isn’t easy, because we are always comparing their behavior to how we would act or react in the same situation. We ask ourselves why they aren’t concerned about or afraid of the same things that we are. We may think, “How can they live like that?” Maybe we should be asking instead, “Why can’t I live like that?” But, if you really trust that other person; you have to get comfortable with the fact that you will likely never understand their point of view on things and just learn to accept it.

The misunderstandings that we have about people are often the source of the friction that causes problems in women dreamingrelationships, either friendships or more serious personal relationships. If you look at things by  acknowledging that you just don’t understand their point of view and will probably never understand it from your own perspective, you are at least started on the journey to just accepting them as they are and getting on with life. Another little saying by Steve Jobs may help with that…

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.

So, get on with your own life. Focus on loving those that you trust, instead of worrying about why they are the way they are or think the way that they think. They are busy living their lives and probably don’t really need your help with that. Have a great rest of the week, freed from the need to understand everything about those that you love and trust.

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Posted by Norm Werner

What do you see?

July 2, 2015

“Humans see what they want to see.”  (Rick Riordan)

That’s a provocative, but, oh so true, statement. It is perhaps the root of all prejudice that different people can look at the same thing or person and “see” two completely different things. It’s hard to imagine that the human eyes of those two people actually capture and process the image any differently. An apple would look the same to any two people, one must presume; and an orange would look noticeably different to both.

old layd young girlBut what Riordan is referencing is not the physical act of the eye capturing the image; but rather what the mind does to interpret that image – what our pre-conceived notions do to the image to distort it in our minds. We use the word “see” quite often to reference what we imagine (or “see”) in our minds eye. It’s as if we have a little Photoshop app in our minds that add things to the picture that our eye captured – layers and nuances- and then may distort  that image to either enhance it or make it ugly. So, what do you “see” in this graphic, which is perhaps the most famous optical illusion of all time. Do you see the young girl or the old lady or both?

Sometimes the surrounding environment or the setting can influence what we see. Sometimes the people that we may be looking at have gone to great lengths to fool us into seeing what they want us to see. Sometimes we combine things that we can physically see with things that are “suggested” to us to conjure up what we “see”. A great example is the recent ads that showed a hip-hop DJ who was cleaned up, dressed up and supplied with a few impressive sounding things to say about personal finances and placed in a professional looking office setting. He fooled everyone and they all “saw” him as a financial adviser that they would trust. I suppose the people who saw Bernie Madoff as someone to trust were fooled by what they saw, too.

At a day-to-day level, many people have developed a knack for not seeing the things in life that they don’t want to see. They can look passed that man on the street corner begging for food or a place to live. They
diverse hands look at an LGBT person or couple and their vision is clouded by fear and hate and they “see” only sin and unholy behavior (at least by their self-righteous standards). They look at a black person or a Hispanic and “see” only a criminals and drug dealers and welfare scofflaws (especially Donald Trump). If they don’t see someone who looks a lot like themselves then they don’t “see” people worthy of meeting and interacting with; perhaps they even see danger and ill intent where none exists.

It is our ability to add nuance and context from our own minds to what we physically see that can either visualizationenhance the picture or darken it. That is something that we must always be keenly aware of and vigilant to control. That is especially true in setting where the other people may have greatly different styles and manner of dress than us. Walk into a tattoo parlor and see what you “see”. How much of what you see in your mind’s eye prejudices you before the first word is spoken. Walk into a predominantly black or Hispanic bar or night club and see what your mind’s eye tells you about the clothes that you “see.” Are you really seeing things or is your own mind and your prejudices coloring the scene for you? You probably can’t see what you are missing by letting those prejudices control what you think you “see”.

It’s strangely appropriate that people will often use the expression “I see you completely differently, now”; once they have gotten past their initial prejudices and really taken the time to get to know the person that they initially saw as a threat or as someone to be avoided. I think that the phrase that we started with – Humans see what they want to see – needs our attention. We need to want to see; to really “see” the person that is standing in front of us and not just the mental image that we have conjured up out of our minds eye. To do that we must be more aware of that predisposition to allow things from our past color what we see now. It’s not easy. It takes conscious effort; but the effort is worth the reward of being able to cut through themen hugging layers of misunderstanding or misinformation and actually “see” who is really there.

The more that you try to do this – to really see without pre-judging – the easier it will get for you and the more you will find that you’ve been missing out on knowing some pretty interesting people because what you saw before had nothing to do with who they really are. As for the guy on the corner asking for help; the next time that you see him, think of it as if you were holding up a hand mirror and look that guy in the eye and see if you can as easily look straight through him. You don’t know his story and no one will know yours if you should end up there someday if they don’t “see” you. Maybe that will help you “see” things in a different light.

In the meantime; I’ll “see” you later.

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Life and troubles are both impermanent…

July 1, 2015

“We are all visitors to this time, this place.  We are just passing through.”  (Aboriginal Proverb)

“Nothing is permanent in this world—not even our troubles.”  (Charlie Chaplin)

Those two quotes could each by themselves be the subject of a complete post here; however when you concatenate travelerthem and see the common theme, it makes for a powerful thought. The Aboriginal proverb establishes the impermanence of our lives and the Chaplin quote takes that theme down to the level of our everyday lives.

The Aboriginal proverb may help us understand that life is a little like a visit to Disney Land. Did you make that visit, or something like, that when you were a kid? Do you remember it? In your memories was there stress? Were there concerns about your job, about how to pay the bills, about what people thought of you? Did you lay awake the night before concerned about a confrontational experience that awaits you the next day; or was your sleepless night caused by thoughts of all of the things that you hope to do the next day – caused by excitement and not by fear?  How can you get back to that place?

And the Chaplin quote seems to build upon the thought of the impermanence of life by extending it to the transient nature of our “problems” in life. We all tend to fixate on what is just ahead of us – the current crisis that life has thrown our way – our “troubles” as Chaplin put it. As I get older, I have noticed that I somehow have survived the many life crises that I was sure at the time represented the end of life as I knew it. I woke up the next day. I was still alive and the world had gone on about its business. Maybe I had suffered a loss. Maybe I had lost a friend. Maybe the love that I let gothought I had for someone had not worked out as I had hoped. But, still; I was alive and able to go on. Nothing, it turned out, was permanent in this world; a world in which I’m a visitor, just passing through.

I’ve written a few times here about being able to roll with the punches that life throws at us. The thoughts that are contained in the two quotes today really establish the base from which you can have an attitude about life that allows that to happen. If you begin with the premise that everything in life (including life itself) is impermanent, that establishes a perspective that helps you to let go of things that might have happened and even of people whose paths may have crossed yours. Some people are harder than others to let go of; especially if you shared your life with them for a significant period of time – parents, wives, children and relatives come to mind. But even those relationships are impermanent, because they, like us, are just visitors here, too.

As a person just passing through you have choices to make about how you conduct yourself. You can be like the idiot who was driving by and threw their fast food bag out their window and onto your lawn – uncaring, unthinking – an idiot. Or, you can be responsible and properly conduct your life in a manner that will not label you as an idiot. You may be just passing through, but you needn’t leave a trail of litter and garbage in your wake. Some people do that by discarding old friends in favor of new friends as they go through life, sometimes tossing the old friends out the window as they drive away. Some even discard wives and children as if they were expendable bags of garbage. These are not people that I would choose to befriend. Would you?

As a visitor here you might also take the attitude that you are going to explore and learn as much as you can about the place that you are visiting, just as you might about a foreign country that you visit. That means going places and doing embrace diversitythings, but most of all it means meeting people. It means embracing diversity, because you can learn something new or see things from a different point of view. It means reserving judgement and not pre-judging, based upon things like looks. It means keeping an open mind and judging people on their actions and not some pre-conceived stereotype. Remember that they are visitors, too; and they may be just as wary of meeting you as you are about meeting them.

As you spend your time visiting here, you’ll undoubtedly hit some rough times, have some hardships, suffer some setbacks or losses; just remember that those things are impermanent, too. There will be a tomorrow and most likely you’ll be there, with those troubles behind you, if you are willing to leave them where they belong – in your past – and move ahead. Use your time visiting here wisely, not living in the past but always looking to the future – a new day, new friends, new opportunities, and new experiences.

Have a great day and rest of your week, fellow traveler.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Beware the boomerang effect…

May 21, 2015

In Australia the native Aborigines developed a wonderful hunting weapon that would eitherboomerang hit and kill or disable the intended target (usually a small animal or bird) or it would fly back to the thrower, if it missed. I’m not sure what the Aborigines called it, but it was named the boomerang by someone. There are things in life that one can do, or attitudes that one can display, that almost always have what I call the boomerang effect…in other word s they come right back at you, most of the time with ill affect.

Examples include holding grudges, being spiteful or hateful, discriminating against others, bullying others, seeking revenge and more. I’m sure that each reader can probably think of a few more. They all have this in common; while they are actions or attitudes that are directed outward towards others they all reflect badly upon the person; thus they come back to cause harm to the originator. How? By making that person look like the ass that they are behaving like at the time.

hateful boomerangAll of the examples above and probably all that you can think of are negative things or behaviors and seldom does anything good come out of being negative. Secondly, they are all usually directed against someone or some group of people. They are meant to belittle or tear down those people or perhaps to cause them harm in retaliation for some perceived harm that they have caused. So you throw an insult out there or take an action designed to cause them some harm back. Beware the boomerang effect.

Sometimes life is like a sports event where the original infraction goes unnoticed by the refs, but the retaliation is seen by them and a penalty assessed against the person retaliating. One could look at that as being twice injured – once by the infraction and again because of thehockey penalty retaliation. Many time people have no idea what you might be responding to when you strike back in spite and retaliation against someone whom you feel has harmed you in some way. All that the innocent bystander sees is you being nasty to someone else. You come off as being an ass; and, to tell the truth, you are because you chose not to forgive and forget, but to try to get even. The boomerang effect has gotten you.

Life is not a zero-sum game, where there must always be a loser for every winner. One should not keep score in life of all of the perceived slights, or injuries or embarrassments that one suffers at the hands of others, be they real or imagined. Rather keep score of the number of times that you forgave that other person for their actions or hurtful remarks. Let them see that what they may have thrown at you missed the mark. Many times those things will boomerang back on them anyway, as others observe their behavior (and yours) and decide for themselves whether they want to be hateful and ugly or at peace with themselves and forgiving of others. Let them deal with their own boomerangs. Don’t add to the hate that already in the air by tossing your own boomerang out there, too.

I have found in life that nothing deflates the purveyors of hate and discontent more and faster than aiming their vitriol at someone who refuses to rise to the bait. Be the person who puts the flower into the barrel of the gun pointed at them, rather than pull your own gun and starting a battle. If you must fling boomerangs out there make them positive compliments to others and shows of affection towards others. Those tend to come back at you, too. Have a great day and watch what you throw out there.

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Enduring love is better than momentary passion…

March 30, 2015

‘Passion is momentary; love is enduring.”  – John Wooden

I’ve posted comments here a few times about the difference between passion (in the sense of the physical attractions and interactions between people) and true love. John Wooden’s little quote certainly applies to that scenario. The momentary enjoyment of passion for someone may masquerade as love in the minds of the participants for some time, maybe even years; however, eventually it is not enough gloss over the things that are missing without a base of true happy ceoupl silouettelove. Saying “I love being with you” (in the sexual sense) is not the same as saying “I love you”. It is the realization of this mistake that eventually leads divorces. Eventually there just isn’t enough sex and pleasure from it to cover up the things that aren’t there in the relationship. Eventually the haze of lust lifts and the warts that were hidden by it show through or the scars that were caused by other aspects of the relationship are no longer hidden.

Love, on the other hand, grows out in the open, midst the warts and the pains, the ups and downs in the relationship. Love embraces and builds upon the concept of friendship. People truly in love will often self-identify their life mate as being also their best friend in life. Don’t misunderstand that I’m somehow saying that you should substitute being a friend with your life mate for a healthy sex life. This is not an “either or” thing, but it needs to be an AND thing. There are many other dimensions to a loving relationship that also need friends holdi handsto be cultivated and developed; such as trust, dependability, honesty, openness, vulnerability and understanding. Look into any failed marriage and you will see that some or all of those things never developed between the partners. Those things are also traits of someone whom we would call an adult; someone who has grown up. It is not uncommon for the behavior of one of the parties in a divorce to be characterized as childish and that is probably true, that man or woman just never grew up and never accepted the role and responsibilities of an adult. For them being married was a big game of “playing house” in between the good parts in bed.

To get back to the basketball coach tie-in, I’ve often heard that this or that player has a true love of the game or the sport. They are not just passionate about it; most athletes have a passion for the sports that that participate in; however those who truly love the game embrace it at a different level and that dedication is something that coaches and other’s can see in them. It is an appreciation for the game’s history and traditions. They are recognized as students of the game. They study it. They appreciate its finer points and they understand where it came from, where it is and where it might go (in fact many of them go on to take the games to the next level). Many of these athletes end up as coaches of the game that they love. They had a passion for the game while they were actively playing it and they went on to turn that passion into a true love of the game.

In life, many of us never take that next step up from the passion that got us
loving coupletogether in the first place. We never explore more about our life partner than their body. We never care enough about what they want outside of the sex to understand why that isn’t enough. We never become friends, because we are too busy and too satisfied being lovers. How sad, if that is the case. The greatest opportunity that one will ever have in life to truly be happy may be with that person with whom you are already enjoying great sexual passion. If you cannot take that next leap of faith with them and truly open up and commit yourself to a loving relationship, then prepare yourself for the failure to come – the sex part is just not enough to carry you through. It’s interesting how many times I’ve talked to guys who were clueless that they were about to be divorced because they thought everything was going great (at least in bed) or who thought that having great sex would make up for everything else. It turned out there was nothing else and now they’re asking – “what happened?”

I can’t lay all of the blame on the guys here; because many women go into the relationships that fail for the same reason. The women, however, tend to be the ones who recognize that they want and need more from the relationship that just the passion. Some speak up about it (the clueless guys call that nagging), but some just suffer in silence until they reach the breaking point. I guess if I had some advice for them (and here I’m stepping way outside my comfort zone) it would be not to keep quiet; maybe nagging is the wrong way to do it, perhaps teaching is a better way to look at it. Remember that I’ve already said that most of the guys are clueless as to what you really want in a relationship, so it is up todog you to help them understand. Watch a few puppy training shows on TV and figure out how to use the “correct and reward” system that the trainers use. If that sounds too simple or silly, it isn’t. There is no more loyal companion, willing to give you unconditional love, than a well trained puppy/dog. (Don’t get upset guys, remember the reward part and it only gets better if you can learn and embrace how to play your part.)

Enough already about dog training. I may be wandering too close to the kinky sunday walkside by going there. The point is still that you need to develop the relationship beyond the passion in order to get to a truly loving relationship. That requires work. Those who do work at it are the ones who celebrate their 50th wedding anniversaries instead of ending up in divorce court. Live in the moment, enjoy the passion; but, make the effort to  build an enduring relationship with the one that you want to be there to celebrate that 50th anniversary.

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Posted by Norm Werner

What you “see” is what you get…

November 6, 2014

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”  (Henry David Thoreau) – from the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

We are a visually oriented society. We use phrases like, “see the inner beauty”, “I see where you’re going with that”, and “I can see you point of view.” Those all indicate things that can’t really be looked at, but which are “seen” in our minds eye. Thoreau’s little quote was talking about just such a thing.

We humans have the ability to look beyond the surface of what we see and “see” something different, perhaps deeper that women dreamingwhat appears on the surface.  In fact, sometimes we don’t have to look at something in order to “see” it. Love can’t be looked at, but you can “see it in someone’s eyes or how they interact with someone that they love. In the movie Avatar the phrase “I See You” took on added meaning, because for the creatures of that planet seeing one another went well beyond just looking at the other person. Mark Twain put it well when he said – “The common eye sees only the outside of things, and judges by that, but the seeing eye pierces through and reads the heart and the soul, finding there capacities which the outside didn’t indicate or promise, and which the other kind couldn’t detect.”

Do you look at people with a “seeing eye” or do you dwell upon their surface, studying their features, body, hair and such. What a pity to never really get to know them, if that is the case.

In the Jimmy Cliff song, “I can see clearly now,” the act of seeing takes on a more metaphysical meaning and relates to clearing away depression and dealing with life from a more positive point of view. Seeing is often associated with one’s perspective and that perspective may be influenced by many things, including one’s background and education. Two people can observe a destitute man/woman on the street; one may “see” a bum to be avoided and the other may “see” a fellow human being who needs their help. They will react differently to what they “see.”

Life’s challenges are oft “seen” in different ways too. Some cannot “see” past the challenge or “see” a solution to the butterfly 2problem; but for others the words of Jonathan Swift apply – “Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others.” How’s your vision? Do you just see the problems and not the solutions? Open your eyes and your mind to the possibilities and think positively. You will “see” things in a different light – the light of positive thinking. Remember these words from Anais Nin – “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” You have the power to change your attitude and then the things that you see will change, too.

Look around you and ”see” the world as it can be for you and the people in it for who they really are. “We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.” – Jawaharlal Nehru.

 

Open your eyes and “see”.

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Posted by Norm Werner

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