Do you hear what I hear?

December 21, 2016

“All people want is for someone to listen.”  (Hugh Elliott) – from the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

The title to today’s post is the title of one of the most popular of Christmas songs. Unfortunately most of us don’t take the time to “hear” the most important things of all – what other people are saying to us. That can be especially true when those people are in listenneed and trying to reach out for help. Sometimes, as Hugh Elliott said, all they need or want is for someone to listen to them. In our society today we are far too distracted by other things to really listen or perhaps far too focused on what we want to say next to pay attention to the person speaking to us.

I’ve posted here in the past about being a good listener as a part of being a good friend or helper. Being a good listener takes focus and a selfless commitment understanding what the other person is trying to say. Many times you might pick up as much content from the body language and timbre of the speakers voice as from the words themselves. Many caringpeople have trouble finding the right words to get across what they are trying to express, but the fears and concern or maybe the pain that is driving the conversation will come through if you just listen. You might also be able to pick up on the level of guardedness that the person is using, which may be an indication that you are not yet truly a trusted adviser. That should cue you to try to build that trust.

Sometimes just “lending an ear” is all that is needed. Maybe the person just needed to “get it off my chest”. Having someone to sit and listen to their story can be cathartic for the speaker. Sometimes they will actually work things out right there in front of you whilebeing kind 1 they are speaking. The opportunity to verbalize their issue to someone else helps clarify it for them, too. Sometimes they might just need someone to say, “It’ll be alright” or “you’ll make it through this.” Maybe your time and attention is all that they needed to reassure themselves.

Sometimes you may actually have to act as a counselor or guide to help them see a way out of the situation or at least sew where they can go to get further help. You can’t be as helpful if you aren’t listening and paying close attention to the details. Maybe you feel like you have enough problems of your own and don’t need or have time to take on the problem of others. What a sad world of lonely, troubled people we would live in if that were the case. We’re all in this thing called life together and all of us will eventually hit issues or problems that exceed our ability to deal with them by girls huggingourselves. The time you spend listening too and helping other is just paying back or paying forward for the help that you will need and receive some day.

The Holiday season can be especially difficult for people who may be undergoing hardship or loneliness. So, beyond listening to the music and carols of the season, listen for those who just need someone to hear what they have to say. The gift of your time and attention to those people may be the best gift that you give this Christmas.

Do you hear what I hear? Listen.


Reach out and touch…

December 20, 2016

“Strange, isn’t it?  Each man’s life touches so many other lives.”  (Clarence) – from the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

Remember when you were little and your mom would take you into a shop or maybe to someone’s house and she would tell you, “Be careful and don’t touch anything”? And even though you were careful, you did touch some things and sometimes something got knocked over and some even were broken. Remember how you felt bad and maybe even cried? Did that make you stop touching things? How about touching people.do-not-touch

Well, life can be like that. Sometimes, even though we’re being careful a relationship that we’ve had with someone else gets broken. Maybe you didn’t set out to break that relationship. Maybe it was just an accident. Then again, maybe it was something that you did knowingly. Maybe you said some things about them that you now regret. Maybe you rejected an invitation or left them off a list of people that you invited to something. Maybe you got to know more about them and discovered some things that are just too alien or repulsive to you to be masked by the things that you liked about them. For whatever the reason, maybe that relationship failed.

You cannot let that failure or a few failures stop you from reaching out and touching others and allowing them to touch you. Maybe you will become a bit more guarded and less quick painted into cornerto open up to others, but you cannot allow yourself to become an island, set apart from others, unapproachable and cold. Man, by nature, is a pack animal. We want to belong to a pack and run with a pack. We are social animals and being social means touching others and letting them touch us. The fact that every now and then, even though we might be being careful, we break something doesn’t mean that we stop trying, stop interacting and being social.

There is a term in social media circles for those who never join in the posts, but who just sign in to the group and read all of the posts. They are called “lurkers”. In real life there are always people who hover around the edges of events like dances, watching from the periphery but never joining in the dancing. They are sometimes called wall flowers. Both of these examples are classic cases of people who look but don’t touch. They are also sadask for dance cases of people who are not touched by others, because of their reticence. If you see someone like that, make the effort to reach out and touch them. They need that interaction and you may be surprised that they actually have the potential to make significant contributions to the conversation, once they are pulled out of their protective, “don’t touch” shells.

In his post today, Jack wrote about the classic Christmas movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” and how the main character in the movie, George Bailey, was shown by his Christmas angel how important his life is within the lives of others – how he touched them. Like George, most of us don’t stop to consider what impact we might be having on others. In fact, most of the time we have no idea what the impact is of anything that we have done.

Charity advertisers know how to plug into that feeling by showing you pictures of the people that your donation will be helping, so that you feel good about putting your dollar into the bucket. There is another ad for a breakfast food that shows the person who walking manconsumed that food spreading a smile to the many people that he meets that day. His smile is then passed on to another person and from them to yet another.is smile is then passed on to another an then from them to yet another. How nice it would be if we could see the kind word of greeting that we speak or the smile that we share being spread from person to person throughout the day. Maybe we have to use our imagination, but the ripple effect of you smile or you friendly “Hi, how are you?” does spread far and wide.

There is a theory called “Chaos Theory” that postulates that all things are somehow interconnected. Under Chaos Theory the wind created by the flapping of a butterfly in China eventually has an impact on the weather in America, even though the local impact in China was minute. Perhaps the smile that you share today in America will cause someone else to smile in China a few days from now. Maybe the meal that you provide to someone in Africa today because of the dollar that you dropped in a donation bucket will be enough to sustain a child who will grow up to be a great leader in the future. Maybe the hug that you give someone who is hurting today will be enough to draw them back from the abyss and get them started back to a more normal life. Those things will never happen if you don’t reach out and touch others in some way.

Along the way, as you reach out and touch others, you find that you are touched by othersbeing kind 1 and that they have an impact on your life, on the decisions that you make and on how you feel about yourself.  We all seek the approval of others, but what we are really seeking is to be touched by them – to allow our souls to feel the touch of sharing with another’s soul. The feeling that it really is a wonderful life doesn’t take place unless you allow it to happen by reaching out and touching others and them allowing them to touch you.

Reach out touch and be touched today…

 


What does depression feel like?

November 24, 2016

Recently I wrote a post here that focused upon what autism feels like to someone on the autism spectrum – see my post https://normsmilfordblog.com/2016/11/23/trying-to-understand-others-without-a-frame-of-reference/. As the author of the story that I linked to stated, it was just her personal description of how autism affected her and her life.

A line that I found to be very apropos about almost any health issue like autism was referenced elsewhere on the same autism site –  anonymouslyautistic.net – “if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person”. In other words, you can’t and shouldn’t  generalize and characterize or stigmatize an entire group of people based upon one experience or one meeting with a person who is somewhere on the autism spectrum.insight Every person who lives somewhere along that spectrum is different and must be accepted with those differences.

The reason I found that site and the story that I referenced so interesting and useful is that it forces the reader to try to understand that they can’t really understand. It exposed a different way of looking at things and life that I called a “frame of reference”.  One ends up admitting that they can’t even imagine what that different frame of reference must feel like and that at least provides the basis for doing something more useful, like accepting
and accommodating the actions and needs for someone who is viewing life through that different frame of reference.

I don’t intend to solely focus here upon the topic of mental or health issues in general; however, the research that I did for that first post did take me off to a journey of discovery about the information available and the number of web sites devoted to providing support for a wide variety of health issues. The site that the article about how autism feels  was posted on – The Mighty – is particularly helpful in providing information about an enormous range of health issues, both physical and mental.

depression4I did decide that, from time to time, I would pursue the approach of looking at posted articles that deal with or focus upon how a particular condition or illness makes one feel. The reason is that I believe that gaining an understanding what is causing a person to act or react the way they are is an important first step towards accepting them as they are and helping them, if they wish to be helped. It is just as important in learning when and how to back off and let the person have the space and time to deal with what is going on in their life. A recurring theme that one sees in the writings of people struggling with some of these issues is how annoying the bumbling efforts to help from well-meaning, but ill informed, “friends” can be. I am not a fan of the “intervention” approach to this topic.

Anyway, as I looked through the huge list of topics on The Mighty, one that I could relate to was Depression. I have known many people who suffered some form of depression anddepression2 believe that I went through an episode (or bout) of depression in my own life a decade or so ago. For me it was just an episode and not a recurring or continuous thing. Many who suffer from depression cannot say that and must seek help in order to live a “normal” life. So, I set out to find an article on-line about what depression feels like, and found the site – http://www.wingofmadness.com.

While, I’m not sure about the site name, it does contain the same sort of what does it feel like and how can I deal with it advice as the autonomously autistic site and it is set up in the same way, as a site for those dealing with the issues to share with others. On that site was the post – What does depression feel like?

depression3So, what does reading through this article this do for you? It gives you yet another “frame of reference” with which to better equip you to accept the person in your life who may be suffering through depression, whether episodic or on-going. It may help you recognize the symptoms that are manifested when one is depressed and perhaps better understand why they do certain things. Perhaps it will help you to not make the mistake of writing off that person or ignoring their actions in hopes that they will just “snap out of it”. If you have a friend or loved one in your family who may be suffering with depression, you may find this article at the same site to be helpful –

http://www.wingofmadness.com/how-to-help-someone-who-is-depressed/

To some, posting this during the holiday season may seem to be inappropriate. However, for almost all of the physical or mental conditions that are referenced on the sites that I pointed you to; holidays tend to be the most stressful and difficult to deal with for people suffering through the misunderstanding of others about their view of, and reaction to, these “special” occasions.girls hugging Rather than getting down on someone for being a “wet blanket” during the holidays, take the time to think about how they feel and find a way to help them feel more accepted and comfortable within a setting that is perhaps frightening and overwhelming to them. Sitting quietly with them in front of a fire and giving them a hug, may be the best present that you can give this Holiday season.

Let them know what love feels like.

 


We begins with me…

November 16, 2016

A short, original poem to get us all thorough the rest of the week.

 

You’re different from me, that I can see;

But if I accept you and you accept me,

Then, one becomes two and “I” becomes “we”.

 

We will learn from each other and find ways to agree.

When I can look through your eyes and see what you see,

The knowledge of one becomes the knowledge of we.

 

Some would divide us into the groups “us” and “them”;

Hate, fear and prejudice seem to guide their whim.

I wonder; if they met Jesus, where they would put Him?

 

He was different from them, the Pharisees would say.

He preached love and inclusion; not popular in his day.

And, He opened his arms to all; saying, “I am the way.”

 

On His message, I think we both can agree.

He accepts who we are, and that makes us we;

But, none of this happens, if I don’t start with me.

 

God, open my eyes and my mind to the One.

Let my fears, hate and prejudices all be done.

Let me see others in the light of your Son.

 

God, help me to accept others who are not like me.

Let me fully embrace the concept of “we”.

Let the life that I live shout, “we begins with me…”

 

Have a great and inclusive rest of your week.


Who would you invite into your house?

November 1, 2016

From the blog, Jack’s Winning Words, comes this little tidbit –   “Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.”  (Groucho Marx)

groucho-marxGroucho’s saying certainly rings true during this silly season of politics. If you believe all of the political ads that are being run on TV there’s not an honest, trustworthy politician running from either party. None of them are running many ads that focus upon what they might do if elected; however, all of them are warning us about the dangers of electing the scum bags that they are running against. If you believe one political attack add, you might as well believe them all.

Looking at the television and cable program line-ups; once you get past the news and a few game show hosts, there aren’t a lot characters in shows (especially in prime time) that you might want to invite into your home. I suppose that viewers get some pleasure out of seeing people in those shows who are more flawed than themselves; but, would you invite them in, if those characters showed up in person?

Jack asked a question at the end of his blog post – who’s a TV personality that you might want in your living room? I think Lester Holt, anchor the NBC Nightly News, might make an interesting guess or even Alex Trebek, host of Jeopardy. Perhaps some of the personalities from the reality travel and adventure shows would also have interesting stories to share.

A sad variation on Groucho’s quote is also true for too many– Church is where you pray to a God that you do not allow near your house. For many the experience of going to church on Sunday is primarily a social gathering; a place to see and be seen and to chat with people that you see only once a week (if that often). It can be all too easy to leave whatever religious feeling that you get on Sunday at the church doors and not take that Christian Spirit home with you.

Sometimes Christ is not invited into the home, because it is inconvenient to consider the question, “What would Jesus do?” Sometimes the world that we live in becomes so loud and fast and all-consuming that we just don’t have time for God in our daily lives. We’ll wait and go to church on Sunday, because that is the day for worship – if, of course, therefemale soccer player isn’t soccer practice or a match that morning.

Perhaps you say, ”after soccer’s over, we’ll go to church” – “oh, wait, then hockey starts and Sunday morning is the time when they could get ice time for practice.”

When did Sunday morning become sports practice and game time? When did taking time to worship God become less important than sports practice and games? Are you more comfortable inviting the soccer or hockey coaches into your house than God? What are your children learning from what they see happening? Do they see God as an invited guest in your house?

If you go to church, why is it important to also invite God into your house? Think about it. Church services are a combination of social events and a structured worship experience. It is certainly possible to have a person experience with God during a church service; woman-prayinghowever, how much better and more intimate a setting for that experience is the comfort and quiet of your own house. It is there that you can have those meaningful, one-on-one experiences with God that shape your life and help you solve your problems.

So, take some time to turn off the TV and invite God into your house. You don’t have to do anything showy; just sit there quietly and have a talk with God. I think that you will find it more fascinating than a discussion with Lester Holt or Alex Trebek and certainly a lot more rewarding. God is waiting for your invitation.

Who are you inviting into your house?


Get old; but, never change…

September 14, 2016

“A pretty face will get old, a nice body will change, but a good person will always be a good person.”  (Unknown) – seen recently on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

Getting old is inevitable, along with the physical changes that go along with that; smiling older fcehowever, a man or women that others might describe as a beautiful human being will remain a beautiful person in the eyes of the beholder, as long as they never stop being a good person.

So, what does it take to be perceived as a “good person?” That is a simple question that is harder to answer than it might seem.

A piece on the Huffington Post had this take on it –  In David Brooks’ viral New York Times piece “The Moral Bucket List,” he shares his own interpretation: “They seem deeply good. They listen well. They make you feel funny and valued … Those are the people we want to be.”

A Google search on the term good person turned up this rather long list of the traits of a good person on the Web site www.lifehack.org – 15 Simple Traits of A Truly Good Person

BY KYLE ROBBINS

  1. They are honest in relationships.
  2. They complement others when deserved.
  3. They call their parents regularly.
  4. They are polite.
  5. They are kind to everyone.
  6. They are generous with their belongings.
  7. They remember their manners.
  8. They think of others.
  9. They go the extra mile.
  10. They are kind to loved ones.
  11. They smile.
  12. They make the best out of every situation.
  13. They make friends easily.
  14. They don’t take things for granted.
  15. They are consistent.

 

Maybe you don’t have all 15 traits (few probably would, especially the one about calling your parents often); but, you can still be viewed as a good person and view yourself as a good person. Most people who think of themselves as good people attribute a large part of that to their upbringing, to their parents and teachers. Many also include the influence ofpreacher with children coaches or scout leaders or others who had impact in their formative years. For many, their church life – their Sunday School teachers and pastors – help them become good people.

If you read down the list of the 15 traits of a good person you might note that almost all of the traits are expressed outwardly, towards others. The remaining traits work to bring inner peace in life’s situations. Another thing that you might notice is that none of these character traits are things that age will have an adverse impact upon; they aren’t physical abilities or attributes that fade with age. That’s why a good person will always be a good person.

One might ask, “Why isn’t everyone a good person?” If you look at the list again; think about how many of those traits can get pushed aside by selfishness, arrogance or pride. How many of those things can get buried under the weight of ambition or envy. How arrogantdifficult it would be to be a good person, if your life is ruled by prejudices and hate. How easy is it in the rush for material success to just ignore others; rather than being polite and caring and kind? In the back of our minds most of us know what is right, but the demands of  our world often overwhelm us and the temptations are often too great for us to take the time to look back there, in the back of our minds, and see what is right.

The good news is that we all have the ability to be good people. We just have to stop and let that little voice through that is trying to tell us the right things to do. For many that pause comes in times of prayer. We have a wall plaque in our kitchen that reinforces that need for quite prayer. It reads –

Make time for quite moments… for God whispers and the world is loud.man praying

Maybe you can just ask God directly by praying, “God help me be the good person that I know that I can be.”

If you make time to hear God’s whispers; you will always be a good person and that never gets old. Now, go call your mom and see how she’s doing.


The future is now… be glad in it.

September 12, 2016

“My future starts when I wake up every morning.”  (Miles Davis) – seen recently on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

Wow, I’m living in the future. I woke up this morning. As one gets older, one doesn’t take that event as casually as \when they were young. Time becomes a bit more precious, even as it seems to speed up and fly by.restless sleep

Some people dread the future or perhaps just the next day, especially if it’s a Monday. A few may spend so much time being concerned about the future and what it might bring that they fail to live in the moment – in today. For those people the dawn of a new day awakens fears and causes anxiety.

I am reminded of a the words of Psalm 118-24 –

“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”

Perhaps if one starts each day by reciting the Psalm it will put them in the right frame of mind to face the day. The future is now…I, for one, am glad to be in it. No matter what listening toi music.pngtoday may hold, being there to experience it is certainly better than the alternative.

The future is now…rejoice and be glad in it.


Haven Hill

September 8, 2016

An interesting blog post that documents a visit to the wonderful Haven Hill site in Highland and to the Milford Historical Museum. Like the author of this blog, my wife and I enjoy finding and visiting little, out-of-the-way museums during our vacation travels.

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Edsel Bryant Ford was born in Detroit in 1893, he was the only child of Henry and Clara Ford. From an early age he was passionate about art, with Henry Ford as his father he naturally went into the family business, Ford Motor Company. In 1916 he married Eleanor Lowthian Clay, they went on to have 4 children together, in 1919 he became the youngest president of Ford Motor Company, that same year Henry and Edsel became sole owners of Ford Motor Company, not bad for a 26 year-old man. In the early 1920’s Edsel began buying up land in Highland and White Lake Townships with the intention of building a self-sufficient retreat to escape city life; what he created was a 2,422 acre estate called Haven Hill. Today we’re in the Highland Recreation Area for the Haven Hill Festival.

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We park near the Gate House, built in 1927…

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If you care, then do something…

May 26, 2016

“Never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world.  For, indeed, that’s all who ever have.”  (Margaret Mead) – as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog some time ago.

We have recently seen the impact in Michigan that a few caring people had on exposing the Flint water crisis and in earlier actions elsewhere by so-called whistle blowers that got investigations started into things like the problems within the VA or the school supplies scandal in Detroit. Those were all actions by people who cared about right and wrong and who decided to do the right thing, even if it was unpopular or could have caused them personal loss. The other thing that they did was recognize that they didn’t have to solve the problems all by themselves. They knew that by exposing the issues to the right people they could get the attention of many others that would be needed to actually tackle the problem or make the needed changes.

There are many really big problems in the world for which we must be content with doing something small to help; something that contributes, even if we can’t see the end result. man prayingThat’s why we put our money in the Red Salvation Army kettles at Christmas or maybe we join a prayer circle at church and pray for people that we don’t even know who have been through some natural disaster in some foreign place. Both actions have a positive impact that we don’t get to see directly.

In America we have another opportunity to show that we care coming up later this year as we go to the polls and express that care through our votes. What we care about often dictates who and what we vote for or against. For some that care leads them to become volunteers on the campaign staffs of candidates who seem to share their views about what needs to be changed or done. For others, just the act of getting out and voting is enough to show that they care. I wear my little “I Voted” sticker the rest of the day on Election Day, as much as anything to say, “I cared enough to try to change things, did you?”

Maybe there ought to be a little sticker that you could wear around that says “I Prayed”, to prayingshow that you cared enough to take the time to pray for those in need and for solutions to the big, seemingly impossible problems that plague the world, such as hunger or diseases or discrimination. After all, where are you going to take those big problems and find someone who has a proven track record of doing the impossible and performing miracles? People of faith know that somewhere, somehow, someone will benefit from those prayers. You may not see the results, but you know that there are always results when you ask God for help.

take actionSo, if you care, do something about it. Maybe you can take some direct action, maybe not; but, you can always pray. Maybe Mead’s little quote should be slightly changed to read – “Never believe that a few praying people can’t change the world. For, indeed, that’s all who ever have.”


Where is your happy place? Do you remember how to get there?

January 20, 2016

From the Jack’s Winning Words blog comes this little piece of advice – “You gotta go to that happy place in your mind and remember–everything’s gonna be all right.”  (Daniel Schetter)  Daniel is that man who continues to surf the waves of Lake Superior all winter long, even with ice on his whiskers.  He believes that cold is all in the mind; so, when he’s surfing the Great Lakes in freezing weather he heads to his happy place and isn’t cold anymore (at least in his mind). He did admit to suffering bouts of hypothermia, but he was still happy.

I read that story in the paper recently, too. I had a tough time imagining being able to get to a place that was happy and warm while surfing in the Great Lakes in winter with ice on my face; but the advice applies well to everyday life. We all face adversities or situations single momthat are not of our own making. How we react to them and our ability to go to our happy place in times of stress or pain determines how well we make it through those times.

The basis for many of the meditative-based religions or beliefs of the world is the concept of being able to get to that happy place and control our bodies and our reactions to things through our minds. It is also a tenet of hypnosis that we have the ability to block out pain with our minds. I’ve been hypnotized at a dentist’s office once and it did work to block the pain of his work on my teeth. I certainly believe that practices like yoga and meditation work to relieve tension and stress.

listening toi musicA key thing that both yoga and meditation focus upon is helping you find a way back to your happy place, so that you can let go of the stress and let your body’s natural ability to heal itself make you well again. Of course there are lots of other things involved, but being able to get to that happy place is central to both. It is also a key to a happy and healthy life, whether you practice those disciplines or not.

So where is your happy place and do you remember how to get there? As children it was easy to get to that place, usually through play. As we matured and “learned” to be adults, we wandered away (or were pulled away) from that place and found it harder and harder to get back to it. We were taught not to waste our time in idle thoughts of happiness, but to “keep our noses to the grindstone”,” be serious” and “get it done”. There was no time allotted for seeking to return to your happy place. Some turn to alcohol or drugs in the false belief that getting a buzz on or getting high is equivalent to getting to their happy place. Both are false and actually add to the stress that they were trying to find relief for in the first place.

How do find you way back to your happy place? You might try yoga or mediation classes ormeditation even seek out a good hypnotherapist. Talk with the instructor/therapist and let them know that you are there to try to recapture the ability to put aside the day’s stresses and get to that place that gives you peace. They will understand. Then, focus upon the process that they take you through to relax and let go and begin your search for that happy place that is still there, somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind. You knew it as a child and you can find it again. When you do find it; you will know that “everything’s gonna be alright”.

For some people, their happy place is a spiritual place, a place that they reach through prayer. They can start each day with a prayer and that means that they start in their happy place, before the day even gets underway. The nice thing for them is that they can pray anywhere and anytime, without even being noticed. It’s all done in their minds, as is the journey to their happy place. For some of these people it is possible to live all day long in their happy place. You know that you have met people like that, because you cannot figure smiling womanout why they always seem so calm and happy. They are at peace with God and themselves and that is a happy place to be, indeed.

An interesting by-product of making the effort to get to your happy place in times of stress is that it tends to stop whatever was going on in you r mind, because you are focusing on trying to find that place of peace. Just making the effort is a big help in coping with the day-to-day stresses of life. Sometimes we don’t have time to make the full journey back and sometimes we may not be in situations or settings where going through our whole routine (perhaps with eyes closed or in a yoga position of some sort) is possible. In those times, just the mental pause that starts the process may be enough to relieve the pressure.

You can make a mental note to go all the way there when you get home, but for the moment, just realize that you have loosened the grip of stress or panic and can go on with what you need to do in a more relaxed and confident manner. You know that your happy happinessplace is out there waiting for you and you know that you can get back to it when you want to – and that’s a good thing …a happy thing.

So, take a moment before you start each day and try to get back to your happy place, so that you carry a fresh memory of it in your mind throughout the day. Then, when stress or turmoil hits it won’t be that guard to see your way back to it for a quick refreshing dose of happiness.

Have a great and happy rest of the week.