First don’t be a victim

November 20, 2015

Having gone through the loss of a job (more than once), I think one of the more important things that I learned was not to let myself get into the victim mentality. Victims aren’t in control of their lives. Don’t go there.

Maybe you didn’t see it coming, but stuff happens. Companies go through things that cause them to change. Sometimes that change involves the job that you used to have. Stuff happens. Jobs get eliminated. That doesn’t mean that you weren’t good at what you were doing; many times, it just means that the job you were doing no longer fits into the future plans of the company. Sometimes the job is still there but maybe it wasn’t a good fit for you (and maybe you just weren’t happy and it showed). Whatever the reason, that job and that time in your life are gone. Move on. Just resist the urge to play the role of a victim of that happens to you.

Victims are pathetic creatures who believe that someone or something is out to get them (maybe the whole world). They prefer to act pathetic rather than accept responsibility for themselves and move on with their lives. Don’t go there. It is a depressing and lonely place to be. I wore about this in a post on my blog about Being the victor, not the victim- https://normsmilfordblog.com/?s=be+the+victor

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You may find pleasure, but joy finds you…

November 20, 2015

 “Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within.”  –  Eckhart Tolle

That’s an interesting little quote with a depth that is not apparent upon a casual read.  We do have many things in our life that bring pleasure, sometimes fleeting and sometimes memorable. We even see this is our lexicon, i.e. “It was a pleasure to meet you”; “it brings me pleasure”; ”It was a pleasurable experience”; “I took great pleasure in that.” The experience of pleasure is almost always associated with something or someone external to our self.

mother and children
Joy on the other hand is most often discovered from within. Of the two emotions, joy is the more powerful and lasting and the more meaningful. I like the way that Rollo May put it –

“Joy, rather than happiness, is the goal of life, for joy is the emotion which accompanies our fulfilling our natures as human beings. It is based on the experience of one’s identity as a being of worth and dignity.”

Joy is found in doing, rather than just thinking and most often in doing for others.caregiver I’ve written a lot here about service to others as being a noble and worthwhile goal, but it is also a path to joy, as was expressed well by Rabindranath Tagore –

“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.”

I have also written here a few times about the effects of fear, uncertainty and doubt (FUD) on our lives and how it holds us back from doing the things that we want to do and the things that we know are right and that we should be doing. We hide behind walls that we build to protect us from the things that we fear. They may be physical walls, but most often they are mental and emotional walls that we construct. Those walls prevent us from reaching out to help that person who is somehow “not like us”. The walls prevent us from trying things that are new and different, especially if they involve people who are new and different. We build those walls to protect us from hurt and unhappiness and sadness; but, as Jim Rohn says,

heart in barbed wire
“The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.”

The point is that you cannot go through life protecting yourself from all pain and disappointments, from all bad decisions, from all failed relationships, from the sadness or the hurt that life has in it. Out of the survival of those travails that life throws at you will come joy. Ralph Ransom put it this way –

 “Before the reward there must be labor. You plant before you harvest. You sow in tears before you reap joy.”

So, let life happen and find joy in the journey. Snoopy joy

Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it. – Greg Anderson

Let joy into your life. Don’t build those walls to keep everything out.  Have a great and joyful weekend. I joy in writing this post and hope that you find some joy in it too.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Be a helper today…

November 17, 2015

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers; you will always find people who are helping.’” (Fred Rogers) – as posted on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

I still fondly remember Fred Rogers and his children’s TV show Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. Watching that show with my kids as they were growing up I was always impressed with how calming and soothing it was to watch. Fred always spoke in a soft welcoming tone and the shows content was never jarring or controversial – just full of peace and love.

Fred’s mom’s advice is something that we need to take to heart in light of recent world events. As you watch the new reports; if you look carefully, at the videos from the scene there are lots of panicked people rushing away from the places where the horror took place, but there are also a few rushing towards those same places, ready to help.  Those weren’t all firsthelping up-responders. There are always people who jump into action to help in any emergency. They may just provide welcoming and comforting arms to hug a frightened person or they may end up covered with blood as they try to help the wounded or injured. The key is that they act. They are helpers.

What is your reaction to events, be they horrific accidents or some intentional mayhem? Do you run away and hide or do you run to help?  These days it seems that many people’s reaction involves whipping out their smartphone and starting to video the scene. Did you ever notice a few days later that it is the heroes that they captured on video actually rushing in to help that are being given the medals and awards and not the videographer.

I’m reminded of the final episode of Seinfeld in which the Seinfeld characters stood by videoing and commenting on the mugging that was taking place across the street from them. The characters ended up going to jail for their failure to act. In my mind, that was one of the worst final episodes in TV history. It wasn’t funny and left no room to empathize with a cast of characters that we had all come to love. If anything we may have shared a collective sense of guilt over having done something similar.

We all face many choices to act, react or retract from events going on around us almost every day. Most are not big horrific events. Many are small personal dramas or traumas playing out in our friends or acquaintances. Someone may get a phone call from their doctor with bad givingnews. Someone comes into work the day after breaking up a relationship. You meet a homeless person on the street.An elderly neighbor slips and falls and is laid up in their home.  Someone spills their drink all over themselves at a restaurant. A lady with two small children in tow is trying to load up a big box into her car. A small child waits nervously to cross a busy street.  A friend confides that he/she has a terminal disease or that they have just received an eviction notice on their home.

Those are not the fires or shootings or traffic accidents that make the evening news and you will likely not ne called into the mayor’s office to receive a reward for helping with any of these. Do you turn away or hurry by those in need or do you offer to help? When you see something like this unfolding in front of you do you see the helpers? Are you content to allow them take this on by themselves or do you ahelping handsls0 jump in to see if there is anything that you can do, too? You will never have to  think back and say I coulda, woulda, shoulda, and then feel guilty; if you do the right thing to begin with and try to help.

Have a great day, and if you are given the opportunity; be a helper today.

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Three little words – Don’t give permission…

November 15, 2015

 “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”  –  Mahatma Gandhi

I was searching for quotes about peace and contentment when I came across this one from Gandhi. It resonated with other little pieces of self-help advice that I have written about in the past. I think we all seek peace and contentment in our lives, although most of us spend time looking in the wrong places. Then, just whining childas we may have achieved some measure of both in our lives, we give someone else permission to hurt us. We take offense and something that they’ve said or done or we react to some slight or slur (real or imagined) and fall back out of our state of contentment.  Gandhi’s advice rings true in those moments. We have invited this external influence into our sanctuary and allowed it to tarnish our contentment or destroy our peace. Don’t give permission.

Ralph Waldo Emerson was on the same page as Gandhi when he said – “Nothing external to you has any power over you.”  Emerson was referring to the fact that you control how you react to all things external to you. If someone says something hateful to you, or about you; how do you react? Do you let it hurt you or is your reaction to feel sorry that they are in such a state of mind that they feel the need to lash out at you. Do you shrink back in offense or offer your help and prayers to them? After all they haven’t really done anything to you, if you didn’t let them do it; but, they have exposed an ugly side of themselves for others to see. They can’t hurt you if you don’t  give permission.

Finally, being at peace means being comfortable with yourself, liking yourself and being confident in yourself. Sanaya Roman put it this way – “Having inner peace means committing to letting go of self-criticism and self-doubt.”  So, in addition to the things and people outside that might be trying to upset your contentment; one must believe in yourself.  I  wrote about that in a post –  https://normsmilfordblog.com/2014/07/31/first-believe-in-yourself/ and I also advised against beating yourself up. What good does it do you to spend time on self-criticism and slef-doubt. Rather you shouls spend that time on self-improvement. Learn from any mistakes and move on, don’t wallow in self-recrimination and guilt. Even for your own thoughts, don’t give permission.

prayingSo, resolve today that you will withhold permission for the actions and words of others to hurt you. Focus instead on how you can offer them help that they may need to get to the place of peace and contentment that you enjoy. I’ve noted here in past posts that the local Methodist pastor Doug McMunn often uses a wonderful little retort when he encounters someone who needs help regaining control. He will just say, “be at peace.” Doug always seems to be at peace and to ready to help other, I suspect because he makes a daily effort to stay ther and when he encounters situations that might otherwise be inflammatory he doesn’t give permission for those things or comments to invade and destroy his inner peace.

Be at peace this coming week; and when things try to get to you; remember that they cannot hurt you if you don’t give permission.

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Keep your key in your own pocket…

November 12, 2015

“Don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket.” – Unknown – as seen recently on the Jack’s Winning Words blog. Jack went on to write – When John Lennon was 5-yrs-old the teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up.  When he answered, “Happy!” he was told he didn’t understand the assignment.  Have you become what you wanted to be, now that you’ve grown up?  What has determined your happiness?  Things?  Family?  Health?  Approval by others?  Do you have a definition for happiness?

key to happinessI suspect that we would all answer that we want to be happy, even if we’ve already grown up. All too often, however, we do put the key to our happiness in someone else’s pocket or at least in their opinion of us. Or, maybe we come to believe that if we only had that next thing; that new car or that bigger house or maybe that next promotion; that then we’d be happy. In any of those cases the key to our happiness is not in our own pocket and that’s not a good thing.

For many younger people, this cathartic moment, when you take control of your own happiness, defines the transition into adulthood. For people who were already adults it represents regaining control over yourself;girl crying control that may have been lost to substance abuse or to abusive or controlling relationships or just lack of self-confidence that led to dependency upon someone or something else for happiness.  Sometimes we don’t even know that our pockets have been picked and the key to our happiness taken from us. Just realizing that we need to get that key back is a great start.

I’ve written here a few times about being happy with one’s self as the key in life. The reason that we sometimes put the key to our happiness in someone else’s pocket is that we aren’t happy with ourselves. If I don’t like me, how can I expect others to like me? If I’m not comfortable being around me, why would others want to be around me? If I’m not comfortable being me, how can others get comfortable being with me? It all has to start with me, before it can become about we. See my post – https://normsmilfordblog.com/2014/04/30/three-little-words-that-may-change-your-life-i-like-me/

mirror imageSo take back your key and learn to unlock your own happiness. Accept yourself as you are and work from that base. Maybe you do need to get better at some things; but start from a base of “I’m OK and I like me” and build on that. Spend your energy on building yourself up, not tearing yourself down. Identify the things that you want to improve and devise a plan to achieve those goals. For many it has to do with what they see in the mirror. Instead of wallowing in self-criticism – “I’m too fat. I’m ugly. I’m a mess.” – set out on a journey to lose some weight or to change your looks or to get your life in order.

Be careful not to put your success in achieving those goals into someone else’s pocket by trying to actually make yourself look exactly like someone else or by depending upon someone else’s judgement about your progress. Yes, it’s nice if someone else notices and asks, “Are you losing weight?” or maybe “is that a new hairdo?”  The key is that you’ve taken control and are now conscious about how you feel about yourself as walking man
you make the changes. You will probably notice that you like the new you more than the old you; even if you never admitted to yourself that you weren’t all that happy with the old you. At least you will know that the key to your happiness is not in someone else’s pocket.

Start each day feeling good about yourself. Try a little prayer to thank God for who you are and where you are headed. Putting God on your keyring means that the rest of the day will take care of itself. Put that in your pocket and you’ll have a great day.

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Keep the dream alive; maybe some day…

November 11, 2015

 “I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask, ‘Mother, what was war?”  (Eve Merriam) –  seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog on Veterans Day, 2015.

The dream of a world at peace, with no wars anywhere, has been just that – a dream – pretty much throughout history. Ever since mankind developed a sense of possession – what’s mine and what you claim is yours – there have been wars that arise from one trying to take something from another. Many have tried to glorify wars as having noble causes, as defending honor or country, as somehow being glorious; but the truth, as General Sherman put it, is that all wars are hell.

remember vetsOn this Veterans Day and every day we should pause to remember those who sacrificed all in the many wars that America has fought. Most did not choose to go off to war, but they went when they were called upon to serve. There was no glory in the wars; but, a few were fought for truly noble causes; and there was bravery and honor and sacrifice by all who served in them.

One can argue forever about the worth of wars or the justifications (moral or otherwise) for going to war, but on Veterans Day there is no argument that those who went to wars in serviced to their country deserve to be recognized and honored, especially those who made the ultimate sacrifice. So, today take a moment at a Veterans Day ceremony or at a veterans’ memorial or cometary or maybe just in a quiet corner of your home, and say a little prayer of thanks for those who answered the call to serve their country in times of war.  Someday maybe that little girl’s question will become reality, but we are not yet there.

As a Viet Nam Veteran I plan on attending the dedication ceremony later this morning in our little Village for the new Fallen Warrior Memorial  in Central Park. It will bring back memories that I’ve long since forgotten and some of which I’d rather forget altogether; but, it will also cause a swell of pride inside that I answered the call and went away to war for my country. I was lucky. I came back., Many did not and for them I will pray today.

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Speed when needed: but, think when required….

November 9, 2015

“NOW is the time.  The universe likes SPEED.  Don’t delay, second-guess or doubt.  When the opportunity is there…ACT!”  (Joe Vitale) – from the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

I remember that there was a “Speed Kills” ad campaign some time back that had to do with behavior on the highways and speeding drivers. I also recall the advice that manufacturing Quality Control people give about speed exposing waste in manufacturing processes. As I get older time seems to pass more quickly and we certainly live in a time and a world where everything is expected “right now.”

man rushingWe are all faced with split-second decisions from time to time, sometimes in some form of an emergency. We read or hear all the time about “heroes” who didn’t stop to think about the situation that they found themselves in; but, rather, rushed in to help in an emergency – maybe rushing into save someone from a burning building or pulling them from a burning car.

For most of us life does not present those types of heroic quick decisions; however, we are faced all day long with split-second decisions about how to act or react to things going on around us. Do we join in the bullying that others are engaged in against a classmate or do we jump in to stop it? Do we react in kind to a harsh or hurtful remark or stop to consider a more measured and positive response? Do we turn towards someone who needs help and ask how we can do somethingthinking woman
or do we turn away and hope that they just go away? Those are all quick decisions that we make every day.

Taking the advice in Vitale’s quote doesn’t mean that we act instantaneously, without thought; but rather that we not
dither and end up in “coulda.woulda, shoulda” mode later. A guilty conscious is, as often as not, one that is lamenting something left undone; some decision not made; some opportunity that has passed us by. So, in that context, Vitale’s advice is sound – ACT NOW! Make a decision.

I think that a good part of being decisive in life is having a good moral basis for your life to begin with. A strong and ever-present sense of right and wrong gives you the ability to make quicker decisions. Certainly the quick “right or wrong” test of any decision is one that should be made, along with the “dangerous or safe” analysis of the situation. Just right wrong scaleusing those four criteria gives you a head start on a quick decision. If it’s right and safe that’s pretty much a no-brainer – go for it. Things that might be right but dangerous might require a bit more thought and things that are
wrong and dangerous should just be avoided. Things that are wrong but safe can sometimes be confusing; but one should always ask why I would do something that I know is wrong just because I don’t think it’s dangerous – it’s still wrong.

So go ahead and speed through life making decisions quickly as you go; however, before you go out each day check your moral compass to make sure that it is pointing you in the right direction. Keep your personal “right/wrong scale” in the forefront of your decision- making and you’ll be able to speed through the day. That will allow you to ACT Now; without acting up.

Have a great and speedy week ahead!

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Let the Light reign in your life…

November 8, 2015

“Darkness dwells within even the best of us. In the worst of us, darkness not only dwells but reigns.”  – Dean Koontz

girl cryingOne could substitute the word “evil” in Koontz’s quote and it would ring as true.  We certainly see and hear about enough things in the daily news to acknowledge that there exist those in who darkness or evil reigns. It is easy sometimes to be draw towards that dark side and to have dark thoughts or reactions in response to that news. Sometimes we succumb  to the darkness and it reigns in our lives.  Better, I think to heed the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. when dealing with darkness –

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

But, where do you turn to find the light and the love to combat darkness and hate? Since it is Sunday, I’ve got a suggestion – try going to church. If there is any place on earth that darkness cannot abide it is in the sanctuary of a church. There, whether in the midst of a crowd or sitting (or kneeling) by yourself, you come face to face with the one meLight that darkness cannot overcome.  You come in contact with the one Love that surpasses all understanding and forgives all sins. Hate cannot stand against the force of that Love.

When the famous bank robber Willie Sutton was asked why he robbed banks, he replied – “Because that’s where the money is.” One might use the same logic to answer the question why go to church, “Because that’s where God is.” Sure, it’s possible to find God outside of the church, but it makes the job all that much easier if you go to His house. Darkness lives under rocks and in deep recesses and avoids the light. Faith comes from above and is the LIGHT.  Let faith in and the darkness and hate will no longer reign in your life’s journey. Church is a good place to look for the light.

“Faith is not a light which scatters all our darkness, but a lamp which guides our steps in the night and suffices for the journey.”  – from Lumen Fidei – The first encyclical of Pope Francis.

So, faith does not vanquish all darkness from our lives, but it does allow us to proceed without tripping over things in the darkness. It does allow us to see a way out of the darkness and to see a future that, for some, the darkness of depression tries to rob. Yes, we may still experience hurtful things and pain and fear and losses – things that beckonhand reaching for heaven us into the darkness – but, if we keep our faith burning we will always be able to see the way back to the light. Some darkness may remain in your life, but it will not reign in your life. Let the Light in and give Him the reins of your life.

Have a great Sunday. Maybe I’ll see you in church or maybe I’ll just notice your light shining off in the distance.

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Growing pains…

November 5, 2015

mother and childI remember that, when I was a child, any time that I had some unexplained pain with no apparent cause my mom would say that I was just experiencing growing pains and that the pain would go away soon. She was usually right and that advice saved lots of unneeded trips to the doctor. I still get unexplained pains from time to time, but now at the other end of life’s cycle it is hard to explain them away as growing pains. They are just “getting old” pains, I guess.

Many of life’s “growing pains” actually involve not physical pains, but emotional ones. These are the pains of disappointments or failed relationships; sometimes the pain of dealing with hurtful comments or actions and sometimes the pain of leaving behind destructive relationships that didn’t work out the way that one had hoped. Yes, they all hurt; but, we live through the pain and come out the other side divorcebetter off. We have “grown” emotionally and intellectually by adding to our experience base. Once we get to the place where we can look back upon the experience with a little less emotion we are able to see our own errors and make mental notes for the future on things to avoid or things to do differently. We had some growing pains.

While growing pains are most common in the young, they are really with us all of our lives. As we age and learn, we may make fewer mistakes that come back to cause us pain. Maybe we become a little more cautious, hopefully without becoming cynical, about relationships. Perhaps we become more realistic about “changing him (or her)” before we get into a relationship with someone with noticeable faults. Maybe, as we become more comfortable with whom we are, we are less inclined to blame ourselves for things that the other person does or says. Maybe we learn to love ourselves first and then are better listening to musicable to love others. We’ve been through some growing pains.

That last little bit above is one of the keys to a happy life. You must learn to love yourself. You must be comfortable being alone with yourself and not need constant reassurance of your worth from others.  I know people, and you may know some too, who just cannot stand to be alone. They really don’t like themselves and need to have others around all the time. That’s a shame, because we spend all of our lives with ourselves and share but a few moments with others. For some, even sharing those few moments is really hard. It’s a real conundrum for those people – they cannot stand to be alone, but they do not trust enough to let others in. For them having others around all the time provides the crowd into which they feel safe just disappearing. For them life is full of growing pains.

So, the next time you experience some growing pains in your life, take the time to reflect on what just happened;women dreaming be happy that, while it may have hurt at the time, it didn’t kill you.  You’re still standing and the pain is subsiding. Make a memory out of it and learn from that memory. Promise yourself that you won’t make that same mistake again, but don’t let the memory of that pain harden you against the future emotional risks of realtionships. Life is full of those opportunities most of them work out great but a few turn out to be just growing pains.

Momma was right; the pain goes away; the key is to keep growing. Have a great day!

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Spread the smiles today…

November 3, 2015

“A word or a smile is often enough to put fresh life in a despondent soul.”  (St Therese of Lisieux)

St ThereseWe can’t all be Saints, but most of us could try to emulate St. Terese of Lisieux, who believed in responding to the problems and people of the world with a smile and an attitude that said, “How can I help?”  Most often her solution was to pray for the people that she encountered or who needed help and apparently those prayers worked many times.

We all encounter people during the day who look distressed or unhappy. Many times our inclination is to turn away, to avoid eye contact and hope that they go away. How much more helpful it would be if we took St. Thereis’ advice and instead put a smile on our faces and speak to them.

Maybe you don’t feel like you have the time to devote to the answer if you ask, “Is anything wrong? Can I help you?” After all you have places to go and people to see; things to do and tasks to be accomplished. You don’t have time for a conversation with this person or to deal with whatever issuescaring are troubling them. Maybe you don’t have time NOT to do that.

Take a moment to reflect on what it would be like if you were hurting from a loss or an emotional trauma of some sort and no one would even look at you, much less offer to help by just listening to your story. How lonely you would be: how worthless you would feel. If you can feel that in yourself; then, recognize it in others. Be the one who stops and asks and then takes the time to listen.

Sometimes there is little that you can do but to smile and listen; to commiserate and reassure; to say it will be alright, even if you can’t figure out how. Many times that is enough to put that fresh life in a despondent soul. Sometimes a hug and a stroke on the hair of the person in need is better than band aids and pills that doctors might dispense.

caregiver handsWhen you stop and think about it, is there anything else that you might have had planned to do today that is more important than reaching out to help someone else in need? Somehow I doubt it. And for that person that you helped, you were the most important person in their life today; you were their hero. How much more important than that could you wish for?

Now, maybe you won’t have an encounter like that which was described above; maybe you’ll just pass a few people who were in a down mood until they saw the smile on your face and that had a positive impact on them, too. Maybe your smile got passed on to a few of them and then they passed it on again, until soon 20-30 people were sharing your smile. What a great contribution you’ve made that day.smiling girl Perhaps you’ll need to get a bit of it back later in the day, if you’ve encountered some difficulty. If you see someone else smiling, and that helps you; take a moment to see if you recognize that smile; maybe it was yours coming back to help you.

Have a great day and week ahead and spread the smiles. And, if you get the chance; strop and ask someone in need if you can help them.

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