Show someone that you care…

April 9, 2015

“People want to know how much you care before they care how much you know.”  (James F. Hind) – I’m relatively sure that this little gem came to me from the Jack’s Winning Words blog some time ago.

I’ve written here before about being a good listener – https://normsmilfordblog.com/2015/03/27/listen-up-people/. Listening is just one indication that you care about the person that you are with and what they have to say. Going beyond just listening and engaging them in a meaningful conversation is another indication.

Some would have you believe that exchanging a quick hug or an air-kiss is an indication of caring about the other person, but in many cases it’s just a perfunctory gesture with little real meaning or emotions behind it. Many people are so
opinionatedfocused upon what they have to say, thinking it to be the most important thing going on at the time, that they miss more than half of the communications exchange that was happening – the non-verbal, body-language parts. Their “let me show you how smart I am” approach to conversations quickly turns off listeners who might have their own opinions on the topic but who need to be drawn out to express those opinions. The know-it-all will wander off wondering why their remarks didn’t resonate better with the silent partner in the conversation; never realizing that their delivery itself showed that they really didn’t care to hear the opinions of others.

So, what can you do to show that you care? Maybe you can begin by focusing not upon what your next statement will be, but what your next question should be. Show the other person that you were interested enough in what they had to say to want to delve into it further and by doing so that you want to understand them and their point of view better. If you cancaring start your next remarks with Why or What or How; you stand a much better chance of both showing that you care and learning more about that person.

Another way to show that you care is by doing rather than just talking. Jump in and help them with something. Volunteer to take a part of the load that they are bearing or the task that they are performing. The old saw that “actions speak louder than words” is true and nothing shows more care than helping. Sometimes there’s nothing that you can do and the best way to show that you care is just to be empathetic and/or sympathetic. People whom you meet who are grieving a loss need that sort of support and care from you.

Sometimes the best way to show that you care is to help the other person find their way back to whatever Faith they have. Many events can take a person to the edge of the abyss and obscure the path back from the edge in darkness. There is lifes stormsno stronger light that can be used to cut through that darkness than Faith. If through your caring touch and conversation you can help them rekindle that light of their faith, you will be helping them on the journey back from the darkness of the depression that has led them to the edge. Show them that you care and remind them that God cares and help them see that nothing is impossible with His help. Perhaps you have a personal experience that you can share with them to help reinforce that message. Show that you care by sharing it with them. I think that you will find that you are as touched and reinforced by that sharing as they are and both of you will be the better for it.

So, what can you do today to show people that you care? Is there someone who has been trying to tell you something; but, you were too busy showing them how smart you are? Are their people talking at you whom you are not really caregiver handshearing? Take some time to listen. Take some time to ask questions. Take some time to get to really know those people and share their points of view. It will be time well spent. Let someone know that you care today.

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Posted by Norm Werner

They can’t take that away from you…

April 8, 2015

My real estate career often crosses the paths of elderly people, either alone or perhaps still as a couple. In many cases I get involved at the point in their lives where they have made the decision to move into an assisted living environment and need to sell their family home. old cooupleSometimes that is solely their decision and sometimes at the advice and urging of their children. In any case there is usually great anxiety caused by this move.  For some there is concern about a loss of control and privacy and dignity.

My advice to them is to accept that they are a time in their lives where they must relinquish some control of things that they are really not able to control for themselves any longer. Even the sharpest of minds eventually finds that it is trapped in a body that no longer is capable of doing its bidding. Things begin to fail, whether it is eyesight or hearing or strength and flexibility. I have found that latter part to be particularly true in my visits to the gym. At 71, I no longer have the flexibility or range of motion to do certain thingscaregiver and exercises that I could easily do in past years.  There is also an inherent loss of privacy that goes along with some of the physical help that may be needed. It is impossible to remain private while someone bathes you. Your dignity, however, is something you you can maintain and something that only you can choose to lose; they can’t take that away from you.

What is dignity?

The dictionary puts it this way –

dig·ni·ty

ˈdiɡnədē/

noun

– the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect.

Usage – “a man of dignity and unbending principle”

– a sense of pride in oneself; self-respect.

Usage – “it was beneath his dignity to shout”

synonyms: self-respect, pride, self-esteem, self-worth

Usage – “he had lost his dignity”

So your dignity is all inside you; it’s all about you and how you comport yourself. Can you still have dignity while someone is performing very person care functions for you? Of course you can. No one can take that away from you. Does anyone think that Stephen Hawking is not a man of great dignity, just because his physical body cannot sustain him by itself? Do people think he is not a man worthy of honor and respect; a man of great pride and self-esteem, based upon the great things that he has accomplished in the world of astrophysics? So why would someone think you to be less dignified just because you may need assistance in some of your daily routine? There is no shame in needing assistance and it’s only you who shames yourself and takes away your dignity. Only you can make that decision to become less dignified; they can’t take that away from you.

Grace is a trait that is often associated with the word dignity. My favorite definition for grace, especially as used in this context is – a controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving. It is often used in sentences such as, “he was a man of great dignity and grace.” When you meet someone with dignity and grace it is an enjoyable happenstance. If dignity is an internal state of a person, then grace is its external manifestation and they can’t take that away from you.

The anxieties and fears of taking those first steps into a new stage in life are normal. How well you deal with them may helping old ladywell depend on how well you maintain your dignity and the gracefulness with which you deal with the new world around you. One really positive way to look at this change and turn it around to your favor is to realize that you no longer have to expend so much time and energy (both decreasing commodities at this stage) just trying to do the day-to-day things of life that have become so hard for you. You have help, now, with those things; so, you can turn more of your attention and energy onto the things that still interest you and those things that you can still do. You still have your dignity and they can’t take that away from you.

Maybe you’ll have more time to enjoy a hobby or watch a ball game or read. If you’re still with your life mate, you have increased time to appreciate one another’s company and companionship, without having to shift the burden of your infirmities onto them or onto family. Perhaps you’ll even find time to write and start your own blog. Thesunday walk great thing is that you have stories that no one else can tell, because no one else had the same experiences that you’ve had. Writing down your thoughts and sharing your story will reinforce your pride and self-worth and increase your self-esteem – it adds to your dignity and they can’t take that away from you.

It’s not the end when you have to go into assisted living; it’s just the start of the next chapter of your life. Make it the best chapter yet. Do it with dignity and grace. Be the one at the facility that everyone else there (staff and other residents) enjoys seeing and getting to know. Find out their stories, too. Exchanging stories of things that only people of similar age have been through is a great way to make friends and preserve memories. Taking a positive and upbeat approach to life as it is at this stage is the most dignified thing that you can do; and no matter what; they can’t take that away from you.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Don give up, get help…

April 7, 2015

Re-posted from the Jack’s Winning Words blog –

“When faced with a mountain, I will not quit! I will keep on striving until I climb over, find a pass through, tunnel underneath – or simply stay and turn the mountain into a gold mine, with God’s help!”  (Robert Schuller)  There was a time in my ministry when I faced a problem that did not seem to have an answer.  Schuller’s words led me to think about a new solution…and I found one.  Are you looking for an answer?  With God’s help, it’ll come.  Don’t give up!    😉  Jack 

Jack’s post makes a silent point that clearly illustrates one of man’s failings – his inability some times to admit that he gloomy guycannot solve a problem or find an answer by himself and must turn to God instead. I have posted here before about one of the turning points in my life, which was during a particularly tough time in which I could not see a way out, an answer to the situation that I found myself in. Having laid awake too many nights trying to figure things out myself, I finally took to heart a little phrase that my pastor had used in a sermon – “not my will, but Thy will be done.”

Once I put myself in that frame of mind, my troubles started to melt away. Once I accepted that I could not control things; that no matter how hard I tried I would not be able to find and answer by myself; I was able to let go of much of the anxiety and worry that had been depressing me. As is usually the case, I had let my imagination take flight and it had conjured up disastrous scenario after scenario, none of which everdissapointed lady occurred, but which consumed my thoughts and drained my energy. Once I off-loaded those thoughts and put my trust back in God’s hands, I was better able to cope with what did happen and preserve through the rough patch with an eye to the future. With God’s help I could see a future again.

Some may say that turning to God for help or proceeding on faith alone is a cop-out or ignoring the problem. I would reply that our little brains, no matter how well developed don’t always have the capacity to figure out every problem and that, indeed, there are problems for which there are no solutions, just acceptance and coping. Look at Schuller’s words again. He gives all sorts of good advice on alternatives to try to solve the problem of the mountain (a metaphor for a big problem, I’m sure), but it is the pushing uphillfirst three words of the second to last sentence that contains the real advice – “With God’s help”. So, like Schuler put it, Don’t give up – just get help, from God.

What mountains are you facing today, this week, in your life? Are you ready to ask for help? God has operators standing by to take your call.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Three little words – the greatest three of all time

April 4, 2015

It is Easter tomorrow and we will be using these three words. I belong to a church that is a part of the Christian Faith, in my case Holy Spirit Lutheran Church, an ELCA congregation in West Bloomfield, Michigan. There are many religions other than Christianity. Most of them also have a book (we have the Bible – Old and New Testaments) that contains the historical foundation of their beliefs, whether it is the Talmud, The Bhagavad-Gita, The Vedas, Qur’an, Zhuan Falun, New World Translation of the Scriptures,The Book of Mormon or Adi Granth. Most religions also have some concept of an afterlife, somewhere one goes or some state that one achieves after the death of their earthly body. I would submit for your consideration that Christianity is the only religion that has documented proof. Lawyers, whether on the prosecution or defense side of a case would probably tell you that there is no stronger evidence than corroborated testimony from eye witnesses to the events being adjudicated.  In the case of Christianity, there is compelling and corroborated testimony by several eye witnesses to a remarkable event that confirms our belief in an afterlife. What those witnesses saw and reported can be summed up in the same three little words – He is risen.

The book that we use as our foundation – the Bible – has multiple, independent versions of the same events in the life of Jesus, his death and his resurrection. There are many other corroborating accounts in the books that were left out of the modern Canonical version of the Bible. Had He not come back multiple times to meet with the Disciples and confirm for them his resurrection the story would have moved forward with the belief that someone had somehow stolen His body and perhaps the whole Christian movement would have faded into history. However, accounts from the time record that He did return to appear before Mary Magdalen at the tomb and twice in a locked room with the Disciples and against on the road as two of the disciples travels to another town. There is a fascinating Web site that documents the many accounts of witnesses to this remarkable event. The evidence of these eye witness accounts is very convincing and confirms that He is risen.

Throughout his life Jesus went about doing the things that fulfilled various predictions of the future (prophesies) that had been made and recorded in the old testament, which was the historical basis of the Jewish faith.  Even his death on the cross was foretold and the empty tomb gave silent testimony to  the final fulfilment of the prophesies – the fact that on the third day after his death He is risen.

So, tomorrow morning we will all greet each other with those three little words – He is risen – and reply to that greeting with the retort “He is risen indeed.” We will hear sermons about the resurrection, then we will go home and celebrate the traditional, non-religious version of the holiday with Easter Bunnies, and Easter Eggs and family gatherings. We will feast on the Easter meal and perhaps end the day tired and in a stupor from too much food and drink. But somewhere, just before we drift off to sleep and head into another ordinary day in our lives, empty tombsomewhere in the back of our minds we will feel a sense of well-being and peace that comes from again hearing the echo of those three little words – He is risen.

Have a happy Easter because, He is risen indeed!

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Posted by Norm Werner

Veto hate…give love a chance

April 3, 2015

From the blog Jack’s Winning Words comes this timely quote –

“We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.”  (Jonathan Swift)

I say timely because of the recent headlines about the hate that is being disguised as opinionatedreligious freedom in several states. There’s nothing that illustrates this little quote more than a bunch of good-ole, bible-thumping, conservative white guys in positions to create laws for the rest of us. They haven’t got enough love to really be called Christians, but they cloak themselves in that title anyway and then proceed to try to legislate life for those “who aren’t like us.”

Much of religion as practiced today by those of good-ole, bible-thumping, conservative white guys is highly hypocritical, espousing the moral high ground while occupying the lowlands of hate, discrimination and exclusion.  Leonard Pitts Jr. wrote a good editorial on the recent spate of so-called religious freedom laws that have been passed in several states lately by their good-ole white guys legislatures. You can read it at –  http://www.freep.com/story/opinion/contributors/2015/04/02/indiana-gay-rights/70830076/

His headline is Faith of force and exclusion not the only faith there is. He writes that there was even a law proposed by Sylvia Allen, a conservative female lawmaker out in Arizona, to require church attendance as a way, she thought, to reverse the moral decline that she see in America.

The hypocrisy does not stop at our own doorstep. Many of these same politicians puff themselves up and rail against the atrocities that they see being committed elsewhere in the world in the name of religion; while turning a blind eye to their own human rights
transgressions here at home. The simple fact is that all who trample on others or who promote hate, discrimination and intolerance in the name of their religion are wrong. They fail that simple little test that you see from time to time on those brightly-colored, WWJDrubber wrist bands that have WWJD on them.  If they really believe that Jesus would refuse to serve at a wedding because the couple being married are members of GLBT community then they have failed to understand the teachings of the very bible that they have been thumping all the while. BUT, they spit out in vile retort – “they’re not like us.” To which those on the receiving end might best reply – “thank God for that!”

Having been founded by people who fled to its shores to escape religious persecution, the drafters of America’s founding documents – the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution – went to great pains to craft an environment of principles, rights and laws that insured that religion would not again be used by government against its own exclusioncitizens. Government officials in several states seem to be trying to circumvent those founding intents. Many say that they are trying to return to “old values.” Perhaps they have overshot the mark a bit and returned all the way to the old values that were being imposed on those who sought refuge through escape to what became America. How ironic that they do not see the similarities in the discrimination that they are now trying to foist upon the citizens in the name of religion.

It is also telling about today’s America that economics seems to have a stronger role to play than the religious beliefs of those same legislators. Faced with economic boycotts over their new laws all are trying to backpedal on those laws as fast as they can, all the while defending their positions as defenders of the moral high ground. I’m reminded of the segregationist holdouts in the South during the civil rights movement, the face of Wallace buttonwhich was embodied in George Wallace standing on the steps of a school to deny entry to African-American children. Many of them thumped their bibles and claimed to have some moral right to discriminate against blacks. While most of those angry, good-ole, white guys have passed on; their progeny now stand on the steps of their own fortresses (apparently bakeries and flower shops, now) thumping their bibles and claiming the right to discriminate against a new group of people.

In two days we celebrate the defeat of death for us all by Jesus; perhaps sometime in our lifetimes we will gather to celebrate the defeat of exclusion and discrimination and the victory of love over hate. Maybe not this year; but, we can keep hope alive. WWJD? I think he would have vetoed those laws had he been the governor in any of those states. They certainly have no place in His world or His book. Celebrate the rise of the Son by embracing those around you who are different than us, rather than finding ways to hate them.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Enduring love is better than momentary passion…

March 30, 2015

‘Passion is momentary; love is enduring.”  – John Wooden

I’ve posted comments here a few times about the difference between passion (in the sense of the physical attractions and interactions between people) and true love. John Wooden’s little quote certainly applies to that scenario. The momentary enjoyment of passion for someone may masquerade as love in the minds of the participants for some time, maybe even years; however, eventually it is not enough gloss over the things that are missing without a base of true happy ceoupl silouettelove. Saying “I love being with you” (in the sexual sense) is not the same as saying “I love you”. It is the realization of this mistake that eventually leads divorces. Eventually there just isn’t enough sex and pleasure from it to cover up the things that aren’t there in the relationship. Eventually the haze of lust lifts and the warts that were hidden by it show through or the scars that were caused by other aspects of the relationship are no longer hidden.

Love, on the other hand, grows out in the open, midst the warts and the pains, the ups and downs in the relationship. Love embraces and builds upon the concept of friendship. People truly in love will often self-identify their life mate as being also their best friend in life. Don’t misunderstand that I’m somehow saying that you should substitute being a friend with your life mate for a healthy sex life. This is not an “either or” thing, but it needs to be an AND thing. There are many other dimensions to a loving relationship that also need friends holdi handsto be cultivated and developed; such as trust, dependability, honesty, openness, vulnerability and understanding. Look into any failed marriage and you will see that some or all of those things never developed between the partners. Those things are also traits of someone whom we would call an adult; someone who has grown up. It is not uncommon for the behavior of one of the parties in a divorce to be characterized as childish and that is probably true, that man or woman just never grew up and never accepted the role and responsibilities of an adult. For them being married was a big game of “playing house” in between the good parts in bed.

To get back to the basketball coach tie-in, I’ve often heard that this or that player has a true love of the game or the sport. They are not just passionate about it; most athletes have a passion for the sports that that participate in; however those who truly love the game embrace it at a different level and that dedication is something that coaches and other’s can see in them. It is an appreciation for the game’s history and traditions. They are recognized as students of the game. They study it. They appreciate its finer points and they understand where it came from, where it is and where it might go (in fact many of them go on to take the games to the next level). Many of these athletes end up as coaches of the game that they love. They had a passion for the game while they were actively playing it and they went on to turn that passion into a true love of the game.

In life, many of us never take that next step up from the passion that got us
loving coupletogether in the first place. We never explore more about our life partner than their body. We never care enough about what they want outside of the sex to understand why that isn’t enough. We never become friends, because we are too busy and too satisfied being lovers. How sad, if that is the case. The greatest opportunity that one will ever have in life to truly be happy may be with that person with whom you are already enjoying great sexual passion. If you cannot take that next leap of faith with them and truly open up and commit yourself to a loving relationship, then prepare yourself for the failure to come – the sex part is just not enough to carry you through. It’s interesting how many times I’ve talked to guys who were clueless that they were about to be divorced because they thought everything was going great (at least in bed) or who thought that having great sex would make up for everything else. It turned out there was nothing else and now they’re asking – “what happened?”

I can’t lay all of the blame on the guys here; because many women go into the relationships that fail for the same reason. The women, however, tend to be the ones who recognize that they want and need more from the relationship that just the passion. Some speak up about it (the clueless guys call that nagging), but some just suffer in silence until they reach the breaking point. I guess if I had some advice for them (and here I’m stepping way outside my comfort zone) it would be not to keep quiet; maybe nagging is the wrong way to do it, perhaps teaching is a better way to look at it. Remember that I’ve already said that most of the guys are clueless as to what you really want in a relationship, so it is up todog you to help them understand. Watch a few puppy training shows on TV and figure out how to use the “correct and reward” system that the trainers use. If that sounds too simple or silly, it isn’t. There is no more loyal companion, willing to give you unconditional love, than a well trained puppy/dog. (Don’t get upset guys, remember the reward part and it only gets better if you can learn and embrace how to play your part.)

Enough already about dog training. I may be wandering too close to the kinky sunday walkside by going there. The point is still that you need to develop the relationship beyond the passion in order to get to a truly loving relationship. That requires work. Those who do work at it are the ones who celebrate their 50th wedding anniversaries instead of ending up in divorce court. Live in the moment, enjoy the passion; but, make the effort to  build an enduring relationship with the one that you want to be there to celebrate that 50th anniversary.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Listen up people…

March 27, 2015

Today’s quote from the Jack’s Winning Words blog is -“You can’t fake listening.  It shows.”  (Raquel Welch)

A corollary to that might well be – “When you listen, do it for the sake of understanding and not just to build a reply” – as seen on various motivational sites.

The point of both is to focus upon really listening to the other person. I’m sure that mostlistener of us have faked listening to someone, perhaps our parents or a teacher or some other authority figure. They usually catch on and we get the question, “Did you hear what I just said?” Most people answer, “Yes, I heard you”; but, were they really listening to what was said or just hearing the noises that we call speech?  Most don’t appreciate how obvious their lack of attention is to the other party. It shows.

I must admit to being guilty of the second little quote more often that I’d like. It is the distraction of concentrating on a retort that causes one to interrupt the other person by starting the reply before they are finished with their initial thought. It’s rude and shows people talkinga lack of respect for them, but it happens all the time. You see this behavior a lot on TV when two or more people with differing views are placed together and asked about a topic that they disagree about. Often is just becomes a shouting match as each tries to jump in and make a point before the other has finished a thought. We have become a nation where raising the volume of out comments is somehow associated with making them more important or believable.
I’ve met a few very good listeners and it is interesting to watch them in conversational settings. Probably one of the best listeners that I’ve met is Pastor Doug McMunn of the Milford United Methodist Church. If you are ever in a conversation with him you can just see that he is listening – it’s that obvious.Just as you can tell when someone is fakinglistening it, you can also see the level of effort being put forth by a good listener to make sure that they are hearing and understanding your words and the thoughts behind them. Good listeners are almost always very good questioners, too. Since they have focused upon what was being said, they are able to pick out the points that might need clarification or expansion. Bad listeners most often miss those points and may draw bad conclusions or jump to bad decisions based upon their partial understanding of what was said (or what they think that they heard).

So, what can you do to become a better listener?

  • The most important thing, I believe is to commit that you will focus on what is being said for the time it takes; that you will not let your mind wander off into formulating your reply or your next question; but rather take in what is being said in the current moment and focus upon understanding it. One very important way to do that is to focus your eyes on the speaker. It is harder to become distracted if you are looking intently at the speaker. Don’t get creepy about it, but don’t start looking around the room at other people or things.
  • Try to pick out and organize in your mind the salient points that the speaker is trying to make. Conversational speaking almost always includes verbal fillers -“You Know” – or verbal pauses and bridges that may tend to obscure the thought that the speaker is trying to get across and sometimes it takes considerable effort to cut through that clutter to get tot eh central points that the speaker is trying to get across. Stop the speaker and ask for clarification if something that was just said doesn’t make sense to your or perhaps you just didn’t understand it.
  • Let the speaker finish their thoughts before you jump in with any reply. Most conversations have natural points at which a speaker will stop, because they have finished as are now turning the floor over to you for comments or replies. They may even provide you with the verbal clue that it is your turn to speak by asking, “What do you think?”

It’s at that point that you may need to take a few seconds to digest what they have said and formulate your reply or questions. Just that short pause to reflect on their words will let them know that you were really listening. Not all comments require a response or further questions; so saying something like, “Well I understand where you’re coming from on that and I’ll have to think about it” is as good of a reply as any. Other non-committal retorts might include “Well I didn’t realize until now that you felt that way. I’ll have to think about it” or perhaps, “I didn’t know that and I’ll have to look into it further.”  Of course there’s always the old stand-by , “Thanks for sharing that with me.”

man thinkingBeing a good listener is a commitment to discipline that you have to make for yourself. It takes discipline to stay focused, but you owe that focus to the speaker just as much as you would want them to focus upon what you might have to say. Your time and theirs are both important, so don’t waste either. Be a good listener to what they have to say and hopefully they will replay your efforts by listening well to your thoughts, too.

Have a great day and listen up people…

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Posted by Norm Werner

Grab life by the tail

March 26, 2015

“The person who grabs the cat by the tail and holds the cat upside down for twenty seconds gets a hundred times more information about that experience than one who may have read about it in a book.” –  (Mark Twain) – as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

If Mark Twain were alive today he might have said that on his Facebook page and then catthe SPCA would be all over him for espousing animal cruelty. What he was saying, of course, is that really experiencing life is much more interesting and educational than just reading about it. Twain might likely also hate Facebook, Twitter and most of the rest of what passes for living today. Twain would likely be shouting at those that he found with heads down and eyes focused upon their tiny screens – Grab life by the tail!

There are always distractions that tend to keep us from experiencing life. Sometimes there are also fears or concerns that cause us to avoid life, or at least those things in life that scare us. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and go for it. I enjoy the TV show The Voice, not only because it is good entertainment, but because it shows us little vignettes of people doing just that – overcoming their fears and getting up and performing before audiences that most have never been in front of before. That is usually one of the big things that the coaches must work on with the performers. In fact, most are not performers; they’re just people who sing very well. Most have some experience singing in small venues – churches or local bars – but few have any real stage experience before appearing on this show. On The Voice they get their chance to grab life by the tail.

So, what are you doing with your life? Are you taking every opportunity to share it with those that you love, or do you sacrifice that for what you think is necessary to get aheadfirst bicycle ride and earn more money? Are you there rooting for your kids at the games and plays and concerts, or apologizing later for having missed another important day in their lives? Are you taking the time for a hug and a kiss with your significant other each day or coming home late, after the lights are all out and wishing that someone had stayed up to see if you made it home? Are you letting your life partner know what you need and want from them or just going to bed angry that they can’t figure it out?  Maybe you are letting life slip away, instead you should  grab life by the tail.

Notice, if you will, that that the little phrase, “grab life by the tail” is a very active phrase. kid jumping in poolIt is not passive, It does not say “watch life go bye.” It does not advise you to, “allow life to happen.” Twain was not a passive fellow. He lived life with gusto and his advice to others is to do the same. The picture that comes to mind when one grabs a cat by the tail and lifts it in the air is not one of a passive cat, which just hangs there and accepts the situation.  Cat’s aren’t like that and one can imagine a very active (perhaps even frantic) scene, in which there are many experiences to be gained and stories to be told in later years. Life needs to be like that. You need to be making stories today that you’ll enjoy retelling for years. Grab life by the tail.

Does this mean that you should do stupid things like you might see on “reality” TV shows? No! It means not avoiding doing things or trying things because you are stopped by Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt (FUD). Living a timid life that is constrained by FUD is life in a self-imposed prison. So, rather than allowing life to happen around you, get out and make life happen in front of you. Start today. Grab life by the tail!

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Posted by Norm Werner

Come up for air and look around…

March 22, 2015

“Don’t let making a living prevent you from making a life.” – John Wooden

John Wooden was both a great basketball coach and a great life coach to his players. I suspect that the philosophy he expressed in today’s little saying was something that he worked hard at making his players understand. It is all too easy, especially in one’s younger years, to become focused, even driven, by the challenges of making a living and accumulating possessions and wealth.

There are few lessons in the schools that one goes through on the way to adulthood that are focused upon getting one’s life priorities in order and understanding the value of human relationships as opposed to material goods. Quite often it is well into adulthood, or maybe even during the declining years of life, before many really
father daughter wedding danceunderstand what is truly important in life verses the transient feeling of success that comes from that new possession or that extra money from a raise. Sometimes it occurs when a child finally moves away and you realize that you missed most of their growing years in pursuit of that next monetary reward. Sometimes it’s when you’re dancing with your daughter at her wedding. Sometimes you just awaken one morning and think, what the hell happened? Where did my life go?

If you sit and reflect back on life, the things that stick out or come to mind seldom have to do with the jobs and success you’ve had in them, but rather it’s about the people and the times that you enjoyed with them. You realize that what life you’ve made that ishappy wife and childmeaningful, you’ve made with those that you love and who’ve loved you in return. They did not give you that love because you got a raise or promotion at work; they opened themselves up to you because in those few moments that you focused upon them, there was joy and fulfillment. Don’t you wish that you had more of that and less of the things that you’ve accumulated?

"Image courtesy of Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net".

“Image courtesy of Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

In my real estate business, I get to work with people just starting out in life and those winding down at the other end. I find that couples at the far end of life who finally embrace the concept of downsizing and living a more simple life that is focused on each other are usually much happier than those whose lives are too busy with a focus upon“getting ahead.” That’s all quite natural. It’s usually only later in life that accumulated knowledge finally reaches a critical mass and turns into wisdom and out of that wisdom comes an understanding of what’s really important. That’s what Coach Wooden was trying to pass on to his players in today’s little quote. I suspect that the reaction was often, “Yea, right. Well, I gotta go now.” Youth is almost always impatient and arrogantly dismissive of advice from the older generation.

There are all sorts of “Stop and smell the roses” pieces of advice to be found in hundreds of famous quotes and all of them seem to point back to the need to come up for air from time to time and look around you and understand what’s important in life. It’s usually not what you’ve been focused upon doing as you try to “get ahead.” One might ask; ahead of what or of whom and why. I understand the need to make a livinghappy ceoupl silouette and to provide for your family; but keep in mind that “providing” for your loved ones also means giving them more than just possessions; it means providing them with some of yourself – your time, your attention and your  love.  It means taking the time to make a life, not just more money. So spend your time wisely this weekend. The job will still be there next week, but the opportunities that you have to accumulate experiences and share your love with the important people in your life will have passed. Come up for air and look around. Have a great weekend.

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Posted by Norm Werner

It’s all about the pursuit of your purpose…

March 19, 2015

I forget why I was there, but I saw this quote on web page of quotes recently –

“Life finds its purpose and fulfillment in the expansion of Happiness” – Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.

I thought about it and decided that I might twist it around a bit and say – “Life finds fulfillment and happiness in the pursuit of purpose.”

I’ve posted here before about having a purpose in one ‘s life and actually most people may have more than one purpose going on and they don’t all have to be helping handsserious, “change the world” types of purpose. Parents often express purpose in the raising of their children and making sure that they make the best of themselves that they can. As the children grow up and leave, many shift their life’s purpose to helping others. I suppose that there is purpose in pursing happiness; although I’m not so sure about feeling a sense of fulfillment out of that pursuit. I suspect that happiness and a sense of fulfillment might better be described as being by-products of the successful pursuit of a purpose in life.

The dictionary definition of purpose is – the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. In life, you could substitute someone into the definition to come up with “the reason for which someone exists.”

For many just the continuing struggle to exist at all supplants purpose. Survival isn’t really purpose, but it’s all that many people have time for in life. For those who are blessed with a life in which the basics needed to survive are taken care of dispairthe next level of consciousness often hungers for some purpose to it all. For some that comes easily; those driven by a passion to serve and help others. For some it is a lifelong quest in search of something about which to become passionate. Many pass through phases where they mistake the pursuit of excellence in a sport or a hobby for purpose. Some allow the pursuit of wealth or power to masquerade as purpose in their lives. Many confuse their love and feelings of responsibility for a life-mate or for their children as their purpose. Certainly there is purpose in protecting and providing for both and a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction at a job well done for them. At the end of the day, all of these people find that something is still missing in their lives – real purpose.

So, before I go too far down that deep philosophical path, suffice to say that finding your purpose often means finding a way to serve others, to put others needs before your needs and to set aside prejudices and fears about those who may be differentcaring or in need. I have met a number of people who have not only found their purpose, but who have embraced it with a passion that is evident in everything that they do. Sometimes these are people who volunteer at organizations like Meals on Wheels or Community Sharing. Sometimes these are people who have dedicated their lives to working with and saving those who have troubled lives. Sometimes they are just relentless fund-raisers for worthy causes and sometimes they just dish out soup at shelters.

You can kind of tell when you meet one of these people because they are usually handshakealways happy, even when they are dead tired from the toils involved in pursuing their purpose. They’re happy  because they are also people who are feeling fulfilled at the end of each day and who are excited about getting up the next day and doing more. How many of us can say that about our daily lives?

Maybe most of us just haven’t found our purpose yet. I get glimpses of purpose during periods of volunteer work; but I can’t honestly say that I have found my purpose yet. I’m pretty sure that I won’t find a single, big, show-stopping purpose for my life; but, rather, that a bunch of things that I can have passion for and find fulfilment in doing may be what I sense that I’m missing. Perhaps writing about it and about things like the human trafficking problem that I recent wrote about is also a part of my purpose. I just feel like there is more; so, I continue to search.

Have you found your purpose(s)? I you have, good for you; and if you haven’t, keep searching.

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Posted by Norm Werner

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