Three little words that can change your life… Let us pray. (15 of ?)

April 6, 2014

Sometimes the simplest little things can have big impact on our lives. In this series of posts I examine very short sentences (each just three words long) that can make a difference in your life. If you have a three word sentence that changed your life somehow, share it with me and I will share it with the world.

praying handsThis post will temporarily end this little series of posts on three word sentences or phrases that have the power to change our lives. I will probably resume this series at some point, but I want to move on and explore some other thoughts.  It seems appropriate, given that I’m writing this on a Sunday, to finally get around to the three little words that I hear every Sunday, but not often enough during the regular week – Let us pray.

Everyone has times in their life where they find a need to appeal to some greater power external to themselves, though I sometimes wonder to whom the people who claim to be agnostics turn in that time of prayer. Praying is both an act of admission that we cannot solve everything ourselves and one of faith that there is something there, some God in heaven who can hear our prayers and help us in times of need. Let us pray.

Prayer is also liberating because it is a moment of personal surrender of the idea that you don’t need help, that you can do it by yourself. Once you let go of that idea you can get help. One way to let go is through prayer. I have found in my own life that the very simple prayer, “Not my will, but thy will be done” is the key to both letting go and getting help. It is an admission that what I am facing is bigger than I can handle and I need help from a bigger power; plus it is an act of letting down my shields and welcoming that help. Let us pray.

Most religions teach prayer as a way to both communicate to God and to ask for His help with things in our daily lives. While prayeranxious
is usually not resorted to for trivial things, even the Lord’s Prayer contains the line “Give us our daily bread” which is to say take care of our basic needs. In a previous post – Bring it on – I ended with a little prayer that would probably be a great way to start each day – “Lord give me the strength today to do what is right, the courage to resist doing want is wrong and the wisdom to be able to tell the difference between the two.” Let us pray.

So, as we look for that thing in our lives that might inspire us to be better people, that will allow us to do better in our lives and with
our lives, that will make us happier and more content with what we have ad who we are, that will enable us to be able to open up facing new dayand receive love from others as well as giving love to others; we will probably not find a better way to start to achieve those goals than to stop, humble ourselves and turn to the one source of power that can help us. Let us pray.

I do know some people who make a big deal out of the act of praying in public places and I wonder how much of that is directed not at their God but at those around them as a show of their piety. There are places and events at which having someone say a prayer is appropriate and there are other times when quietly saying your own little prayer with sharing it out loud with others is better. The ideas isn’t to show others that you are praying but to show God that you are praying and he is pretty good at hearing your silent prayers. Let us pray.

 

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Posted by Norm Werner

Three little words that can change your life… I’m an alcoholic.(14 of ?)

April 5, 2014

Sometimes the simplest little things can have big impact on our lives. In this series of posts I examine very short sentences (each just three words long) that can make a difference in your life. If you have a three word sentence that changed your life somehow, share it with me and I will share it with the world.

man wit drink in handToday’s three word sentence is probably one of hardest, but most rewarding for those who have uttered it. It’s the bedrock of the Alcoholics Anonymous program – I’m an alcoholic.  The absolute first step in getting help for an alcoholic is to admit that they have the problem that they really aren’t in control of their drinking and never will be. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as a social drink – that is just the first drink towards getting drunk. I’m an alcoholic.

The same concept holds true for the Drugs Anonymous program and the Gamblers Anonymous program. You must admit it to yourself and others before you can get help. You have a problem that is out of control. There are no self-help programs for wife beaters or pyromaniacs or shoplifters. They end up in jail or worse. Sometimes it’s only when things get  that extreme that they can admit – I’m an alcoholic.

For an alcoholic the, moment of truth is when they stand up at a meeting or maybe before a loved one and say it out loud – I’m an alcoholic. There’s no second sentence; no saying, but it; s Ok I’ve got it under control. You don’t have it under control and you never will, that’s why you’re standing there. It’s a big and scary first step, but it’s probably the best first step you’ll ever take. I’m an alcoholic.

People who have been through the program never say that they are a recovered alcoholic. At best they may say that they are a recovering alcoholic; because they know that it is a never-ending battle. They cannot declare victory and move on. In fact many continue to go to AA meetings years after they have had their last drink for two reasons – to provide support for others and to continue to reinforce their own decision. Getting up and stating that I’m an alcoholic and I took my last drink 15 years ago may get a round of applause at the meeting, but it’s how good it makes the person feel about them self that really counts. I’m an alcoholic.

There might not be support groups for many of the things that we need to fix about ourselves and hopefully they are things that will support groupeventually lead us to jail or worse; however, the critical first step to doing anything to correct the problem(s) is that admission that we have the problem. It’s not enough to just admit it to yourself. You have to go public with it, at least sharing it with your family or loved ones. While holding yourself accountable is a noble idea, it is important that we have someone else that can watch our progress and give us feedback. We need someone to look us in the eye and say you screwed up; you didn’t do what you promised to do. You also need someone to pat you on the back and say great job when you reach a new milestone in your recovery, whether it be days or months or years. You need some help when you admit – I’m an alcoholic.

So take that first step. Find a support group and stand up and say “My name’s Bob and I’m a XXXXXXXX”. Whatever it is you will be well on your way to being an ex-XXXXXXXX.  You’d be surprised how many people there are out there just waiting to support you in your effort to overcome your addition to whatever has a grip on you now. Below are some links to groups that might be able to help you, depending upon the problem or addiction.

http://www.aa.org/

https://www.na.org/

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/

https://saa-recovery.org/

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Three little words that can change your life… I’ve got this. (14 of ?)

April 4, 2014

Sometimes the simplest little things can have big impact on our lives. In this series of posts I examine very short sentences (each just three words long) that can make a difference in your life. If you have a three word sentence that changed your life somehow, share it with me and I will share it with the world.

In yesterday’s post I talked about facing the world with a “Bring it on” attitude. Today let’s look at one thing positive that you can do when you go into the day with that kind of positive approach. In  previous posts I discussed being at peace by letting things be. I also wrote about taking action to solve your problems or reaching out to others to help with their problems.

Today let’s talk about taking responsibility to get something done for yourself or for others. We are all witnesses to many cases of need in other people. For the most part those instances are fleeting. They pass by us or we pass by them and the busymoment is
quickly lost to take any action or to offer help. It can be really little things, like not holding a door open for someone with their arms full of packages at the Post Office or maybe not stopping to fish the change out of your pocket as you scurry by the Salvation Army Kettle at Christmas. How hard would it have been to stop and help? It starts by saying to yourself, “I’ve got this.”

helping elderlyMaybe you’ve been to a funeral visitation and overheard someone in the family worrying out loud about who will walk their dog today or get in their mail. Perhaps you’ve driven by an elder care facility and seen a lonely face starting out the window at passing cars, in hopes that there might be a visitor in one. It could be that your neighbor next door is going on vacation or maybe into the hospital and needs someone to watch their cat and get in their mail. In those cases, what stopped you from going up to them and saying don’t worry, “I’ve got this”?

Closer to home, do you stop and think about the things that your partner does for you every day? Have you ever felt like helping but didn’t know where to start? It doesn’t always have to be something big. Maybe you can carry a load of laundry upstairs. Maybe you can make the bed some mornings, rather than just walking out knowing that it will somehow get made before it’s time to get back in it tonight. Maybe you can volunteer tobath watch the kids so that they can get a nice peaceful bath or go shopping. It starts by finding something, anything, and saying, “I’ve got this.”

Amazing things happen in your life once you get over the “Aww, Geeze, do I have to” stage that prevents you from acting to help others that you know need your help. There is a sense of accomplishment and well-being that comes from selfless acts of serving others. You will not get that feeling from buying another golf club or another pair of shoes. You get that feeling of pride and satisfaction only by reaching beyond your own needs and meeting the needs of others. Some call it finding purpose in your life. Whatever you call it, it begins by seeing a need and saying, “I’ve got this.”

This only works if you follow through. It is sometimes easy to say, “Yeah, I’ll be there” when someone calls to ask for help; but if you don’t actually show up you get no satisfaction from having made that empty promise and you certainly didn’t make them happy by just saying that you’d help.. So, today’s three word phrase is really about a commitment that you make to yourself and to the other person. You are not saying, “I’ll try” or “Maybe” or “If I get a chance.” You are committing that, “I’ve got this.”

Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.

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Three little words that can change your life… Bring it on. (13 of ?)

April 3, 2014

Sometimes the simplest little things can have big impact on our lives. In this series of posts I examine very short sentences (each just three words long) that can make a difference in your life. If you have a three word sentence that changed your life somehow, share it with me and I will share it with the world.

Today’s three little words are about self-confidence and self-esteem.  You have to like yourself and be confident to challenge life to say, Bring it on.

anxiousSaying bring it on doesn’t mean that you have no fears or concerns about whatever the challenge is that you are facing; but, it does mean that you are confident enough in your ability to deal with whatever life throws you way to be able to look it in the eye and say, Bring it on.

You don’t get to the stage in life where you can confidently face any challenge without having been through quite a few challenges already – it’s called experience. Experiences in life allow us to build a knowledge base of what worked and what didn’t work. It also allows us to understand that most of the time the fears that we had going into situations seldom turned out to be anything more than our own imagination. We are better equipped to sort through the real and the imagined dangers in life to control our anxieties and say, Bring it on.

While this little saying seems on the surface to be a testosterone laden response to life’s trials, it is really more about inner strength and inner peace and women tend to actually be better at it than men. The old saying goes that men toil from sun to sun, woman boxerbut a woman’s work is never done. Women may not be able to lift as heavy a single load as men, but they do seem to be able to bear their loads much longer than men and with much less drama. When life’s burden’s overwhelm them and men give up, saying they can’t take this anymore, it’s often the women in their lives who pick them up, offering support and comfort and saying, Bring it on.

An interesting side benefit from taking this positive, unafraid approach to life is that it actually strengthens and empowers you. Tentativeness and timidity cause you shrink and be less than you are capable of being. Standing up to be counted in the face of hardships or difficulties in life makes you feel alive and good about yourself. You stick out your chest, face into the winds of challenge and say, Bring it on.

desperateSo, as you start your day each morning, you have the choice of sitting there wallowing in fear, uncertainty and doubt; hoping that whatever bad things you have imagined might happen today won’t; or you can choose to suck it up, look at yourself in the mirror and with confidence say, Bring it on.

If you need just a little reinforcement each morning try this little prayer, “Lord give me the strength today to do what is right, the courage to resist doing want is wrong and the wisdom to be able to tell the difference between the two.” Then, open the door and start your new day by saying, BRING IT ON!

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Three little words that will change your life…Let it be (12 of ?)

April 2, 2014

Sometimes the simplest little things can have big impact on our lives. In this series of posts I examine very short sentences (each just three words long) that can make a difference in your life. If you have a three word sentence that changed your life somehow, share it with me and I will share it with the world.

The Beatles song Let It Be is considered by many to be the best song ever written. Paul McCartney wrote it and Beatles recorded it in 1969, although it did not come out until after the Abbey Road album on the 1970 album Let be Album. McCartney has consistently claimed that he wrote the song with his mother Mary McCartney in mind. She had died when Paul was 14 and he had fond memories of her that come through in the song. Most thought that Mother Mary was a biblical reference to the Virgin Mary and McCartney has said that he’s OK with that. To listen to the song click here and to read the lyrics click here.

Lyricists are some of our best poets. Do you remember songs that made you cry or that made you happy? Maybe it is the “our song” of your first romance or the song that summed up the pain and emptiness of your first breakup. Do you remember the songs at your wedding? Songs can have and do have great impact on peoples lives. I still recall many of the songs that I found to be particularly meaningful at the time and several were by the Beatles.

While the advice in today’s three little words did make up the tag line of that famous Beatles song; that is not why heeding them can change your life. I’ve already written about being at peace and the wonderful benefits of that (see post 4 in this series). Sometimes you have to heed today’s advice before you can get to a state of peace, you have to Let It Be.

It is easier said than done to let some things be. Sometimes there is anger involved, so letting it be involves stopping and cooling down. Sometimes there is sadness involved and that may require that you cry it out before you can let it be. Sometimes it is disappointment or a let down and one must stop admit that the world did not just come to an end and you can let it be and get on with life. Sometimes it may actually be a happy occasion that you really don’t want to every end, but you must let it be and move it on to become a happy memory. Whatever it is or was, it has passed when you Let It Be.

Not all problems or issue in life have a solution, something that you can do to change things or make it right. There are things in life that must be dealt with, and I offered some advice on those in post # 8 in this series. Other things that you encounter or that happen to you are best handled by just finding the best way to cope and moving on – Let It Be.

We have also discussed in this series your role to be there for others (see the last  post).  If  the trouble is not about you but you are an observer of someone who is struggling with an issue, a loss or an intractable problem that has them down in the dumps, maybe you can be the one to whisper to them  the words of wisdom – Let It Be.

If you do that for someone else you may well find that there are now two people who are now ready to Be At Peace, because the first step to getting to a state of peace is often to Let It Be.

So, have a great day and if things occur that upset you…well you know what! Go play the song again. It will make you feel better.

 

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Posted by Norm Werner

Three little words that can change your life… I’ll be there. (11 of ?)

April 1, 2014

Sometimes the simplest little things can have big impact on our lives. In this series of posts I examine very short sentences (each just three words long) that can make a difference in your life. If you have a three word sentence that changed your life somehow, share it with me and I will share it with the world.

Today’s little three word sentence is also the title of a famous hit song by the Jackson 5. You can watch a performance of that song by the Jackson 5 by clicking here. To view the lyrics to that song click here.

The Jackson 5 song combines a bit of unrequited love with a pledge of friendship and support. Let me focus first upon the latter – the friendship aspect.

Many of us had best friends in our youth to whom we have made a similar pledge – whatever happens, you can count on me to be there for you. We often drift away from those childhood
friends and that pledge is soon forgotten. Sometimes you hear of people who have remainedbest friends best friends throughout their lives, often it is in the context of a news story about some extraordinary thing that one has done for the other – donating an organ, for instance. Sometimes it is just a story about the longevity of the friendship, with many incidents usually related about being there for each other in times of need. They were there.

In marriages, one of the cornerstones is the commitment that both parties make to be there for each other through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, in the good times and the bad. This pledge to be there is especially important in the bad times and in the times of sickness. When bad things happen, like the death of a relative or maybe even a child, it is the strength of the partner who is there with us that sometimes is the main thing that gets us old coouplethrough it. When sickness hits, especially the really serious kinds like cancer or a stroke, it is the support of the partner/caregiver that we depend upon. It is certainly important to have the support of others and to have faith to give you strength, but nothing quite replaces having that one special person around who has promised to be there when you need them. They are there.

And, what of that person; the one who has said, “I’ll be there”? There is little in life that can provide such a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction as being there for your loved one in a time of need. The tasks that you perform may seem mundane, but the fact that you are supporting and helping your partner get through something that they cannot manage by themselves  give them special meaning. Changing a dressing or helping your partner get bathed or dressed doesn’t make the headlines, but it can make a big difference in their day.caring
Especially poignant are the stories of the life partner helping the mate who can’t even remember his/her name any more. They were there and they feel great about it.

It’s relatively easy when you are standing at the alter dressed to the nines on a very happy day to pledge that you’ll be there. The test is when you’re standing beside the hospital bed, still dressed in yesterday’s clothes holding on to an unresponsive hand and whispering “I’m here. I love you” to someone that you’re not sure can even hear you. Keep trying to get through to let them know that you are there and that you will be there no matter how long or what it takes. There is something in that little squeeze of recognition on your hand that will make it all worthwhile. You were there.

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Three little words that can change your life… Technology changes everything. (10 of ?)

March 31, 2014

Sometimes the simplest little things can have big impact on our lives. In this series of posts I examine very short sentences (each just three words long) that can make a difference in your life. If you have a three word sentence that changed your life somehow, share it with me and I will share it with the world.

I have seen today’s three word phrase – technology changes everything – used a lot over the past fewtechnology years, especially by the purveyors of technology. I come out of a background of technology, having worked for various computer companies for about 30 years before I got into real estate. I have witnessed the changes that technology has caused first-hand. I helped introduce that changing technology into many lives and companies and watched the disruption that is causes. I was there when the PC was born and have watched it grow up and evolve.

Having said that, I would assert that technology may change the “when”, “what” and the “how” of things, almost everything; but it does not change the “why”, because that is driven by human nature, which is the who. Technology may allow us to do things completely differently and certainly at much greater speed, but immutable at the core of it all is the human element of why. Why do we work? Why do we communicate with others? Why do we need to know that? Why do we make the decisions that we make? Technology may facilitate any or all of the answers to those questions, but it does not change our answers.

tablet computerWe are the children of a technological age. We have found streamlined ways of doing much of our routine work. Printing is no longer the only way of reproducing books. Reading them, however, has not changed. – Lawrence Clark Powell

Technology has made the work we do different and made the communications easier and faster, but in the end it is still one human being talking, texting, emailing or face timing with another human being. The technology makes that easier but it does not make the human decisions that come out of that communication. Technology may monitor and warn us, but it does not decide what to do about the warning. Even if technology does appear to make a decision, it is through a program, perhaps even “artificial intelligence”, that we humans wrote and coded in our own answer to why.

“Science and technology revolutionize our lives, but memory, tradition and myth frame our response.” – Arthur Schlesinger, Jr.

In our immediate lifetime much of the progress of technology has focused not as much on replacing humans in repetitive physical tasks but on facilitating faster and faster communications and providing access to more and more data and information. That is a mixed blessing.

Technology is so much fun but we can drown in our technology. The fog of information can drive out knowledge. – Daniel J. Boorstin

The fact is that we cannot absorb and assimilate the overload of information that is available or pressed lady at computerupon us quickly enough to turn it into knowledge. Instead of building our own knowledge base we have become increasingly dependent upon the crutch offered by technology. I do not need to remember or assimilate things anymore because I can just Google a topic to pull up what I need at the moment. Now, through the use of “big data” tools I can have technology scan huge amounts of raw data looking for patterns. What I want to know what those patterns are is still up to me. Why do I need to know that and what will I do now that I know it? Still my call.

Perhaps the most widespread impact that technology has had on us as humans is on the speed and ease with which we can communicate. The issue of distance between people has been vanquished by technology; however, due to the technology, much of what we call communicating has become asynchronous in nature and in the process become less personal, less about communicating and more about exchanging information. Emailing, posting to Facebook or Twitter may be considered to be a form of communications but it is really not communicating – that only happens between two human beings. Texting, while still asynchronous is at least a bit more interactive.

The newest computer can merely compound, at speed, the oldest problem in the relations between human beings, and in the end the communicator will be confronted with the old problem, of what to say and how to say it. – Edward R. Murrow

man on cell phoneFor many, technology has enabled them to be connected to others more and more often. Cell phones have become ubiquitous in the developed world and are even in use in remote regions that used to be cut off from the world. Cell phone technology changed the way we communicate with others but not why.

So, the key take-away may be what technology does not do. Technology does not have a value system, it is agnostic and impersonal. It has no soul. It remains the role of the users of technology to supply that missing piece – the why (the soul).

Yes, technology changes everything; and yet, technology changes nothing. We are safe from the threat of technology that some have imagined because we still supply the soul of the machines – the why they exist.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Three little words that can change your life… You complete me. (9 of ?)

March 29, 2014

Sometimes the simplest little things can have big impact on our lives. In this series of posts I examine very short sentences (each just three words long) that can make a difference in your life. If you have a three word sentence that changed your life somehow, share it with me and I will share it with the world.

I was surprised when I Googled this little phrase to see so much already posted about this. I sort of remembered it from the Tom Cruise movie Jerry McGuire, but it was the history going back to the ancient Greeks and Plato that surprised me (click here to read that article post on the Relevant Magazine site). Greek mythology has an elaborate explanation of how the human race was split into male and female by the god Zeus out of the androgynous offspring of the moon. The entire two parts of a whole thing is a fascinating read and is said to have led to the phrase “my better half” in our modern lexicon.

While not mentioned in the Google response I was thinking when I read it that the Chinese Yin andyin yang Yang Taoist symbols apply there, too; although in the Taoist beliefs they represent opposing forces in constant battle and not two parts that make up a whole. Of course, we all know couples that seem to be in constant battles, too.

Another thing that surprised me a bit is how overuse and maybe sometimes inappropriate use of this little phrase, some of it based upon the movie, has served to marginalize it. The phrase has not totally taken on the guise of a caricature in the vernacular yet, but it isn’t far from that. It’s referred to somewhat derogatorily as “an old soul mate saying” in many of the Google responses. That’s a shame, because for many it still has great personal meaning.

There is great value in the phrase when it is meant to allude to the love and companionship that may have been missing in one’s life that are filled by a meaningful relationship. Perhaps instead of “you complete me” the more appropriate phrase would be, “you fill the void that was in my life.” Over time, in long-term relationships, more and more layers of meaning are added to that little phrase.

old cooupleCouples in long term, committed relationships that last, move through phases in life, in which some things that were primary to the relationship in the beginning fade into the background; and new things, or things that were there all along but just not front and center, take more prominent rolls. Where once two bodies intertwined; now, two souls have become enmeshed. The heat of ardor and lust is replaced by the warm comfort of love and companionship. The rapid heartbeat of passion is replaced by the reassuring heartbeat of companionship. The two persons almost seem as one. Together they are strong and capable and unafraid, but apart they may become disoriented, confused and anxious.

You may have known older couples like that and thought, “How cute is that?” Sometimes they

"Image courtesy of Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net".

“Image courtesy of Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

shuffle along, supporting each other, maybe holding hands or with arms intertwined. It wasn’t cute; you were witnessing true love and commitment; and, each of them made the other complete. I suspect that is why you occasionally hear of both parties in one of those relationships dying within days of each other. It is often been said that they couldn’t stand to be apart – they had become incomplete.

So, rather than snicker when you hear those three little words or thinking of the Tom Cruise movie or toss the line off cavalierly ; think about that little old couple shuffling along in the mall together. They have found something together that you can only hope you find in your life. They understand and are living the commitment that they made to each other. They know that the other half of them will be there in times of need. They have made each other complete. You should be so lucky.

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Three little words that can change your life… Deal with it. (8 of ?)

March 28, 2014

Sometimes the simplest little things can have big impact on our lives. In this series of posts I examine very short sentences (each just three words long) that can make a difference in your life. If you have a three word sentence that changed your life somehow, share it with me and I will share it with the world.

Today’s three word sentence – “Deal with it.” – came from the retired pastor of my church, Pastor Jack Freed, whose blog Jack’s Winning Words I read daily. I asked Jack to help me think of three word phrases that I might want to write about that have life meanings. His list is challenging, but good material to work with and you will see more of them in the future.. Today’s phrase is oft accompanied by the corollary, “Get over it.” 

Whatever “it” is the point is to take it on, not to let it just fester or grow in your mind. Life throws us all sorts of curve balls, some pleasant and some sad and many just surprises that we have to deal with. The secret is not to get frustrated or let these events get you down, but to develop thelady under cloud ability to take them on, assess what they mean and formulate a plan to deal with it.

Dealing with things that hit us is easier if we don’t let them initially overwhelm us. It’s OK to say, “Wow, I didn’t see that coming”; but, you need to move quickly on to, “Ok, how am I going to react to and deal with this?” Becoming befuddled and paralyzed is not the reaction that you are going for in those cases. I wrote a post at the beginning of the month that was titled Problem Solving 101, which had this saying from George C. Marshall – “Don’t fight the problem, decide it!” Deal with it.

The meaning of that saying is the gist of today’s Three Little Words. You can’t just leave the problem or issue laying there, in hopes that it might just go away. In most cases, the longer something sits there unresolved the worse it gets. It’s like leaving a dead fish in the trunk of your car. The longer it sits in the back the worse it smells up front. Deal with it.

confrontationFor many the issue that is preventing taking any action is the fear of confrontation. You are usually not just confronting the abstract notion of a problem, you are confronting a person who is associated with the problem or who may be causing the problem. It may be something as simple as a difference of opinion or as deeply rooted as a difference of basic beliefs. Sometimes it is a difference of interpretation of events or statements that may have been made, but sometimes it is a difference in basic moral positions. Neither case need be intractable but the latter takes much more understanding, work and finesse. Deal with it.

It is perhaps that word understanding that is really the key to success here. Too many bitter arguments in life are based on misunderstandings or a lack of understanding and appreciation for the other person’s point of view. I talked of the challenges of trying to understand someone else’s point of view by putting yourself in their shoes in my post Eleven Hints for Life – Number 8. A take-away from that post is how hard it is to allow for all of the cultural differences that might be present; but you have to try to understand the other person’s point of view or frame of reference. You can’t assess the difficulty of the problem without understanding the gulf that separates the two of you from agreement. Deal with it.

So, start by getting as good of an understanding as you can about where that person is comingtwo women talking from or what is motivating them or just admit that you don’t have a clue and ask them to help you understand. That at least shows them that you are willing to try. Then, hopefully having clarified what the issue./problem is and what is driving them to take the position that they have established, you need to decide what you might need to do in order to make things right and whether it is worth it. I know that the last part of that sentence sounds harsh, but not all problems are worth the effort to solve them. Sometimes it is better to skip right to corollary and get over it and move on. Deal with it.

So, whether you make the problem solving effort to work things out or just decide to by-pass the problem and move on, the key is to make a conscious decision and take action. You will feel an immediate sense of relief, no matter what happens, because you are no longer facing this problem. It is behind you. Now you can start the next phase – Get over it. It is unfortunate that sometimes that also means deciding to get over the person with whom you have the problem, but that is a part of life, too. Deal with it.

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Three little words that can change your life… I forgive you (7 of ?)

March 27, 2014

Sometimes the simplest little things can have big impact on our lives. In this series of posts I examine very short sentences (each just three words long) that can make a difference in your life. If you have a three word sentence that changed your life somehow, share it with me and I will share it with the world.

I won’t pretend to understand the unbelievable grief that can overcome you at the loss of a loved one, especially if the loss was caused intentionally or unintentionally by someone else. We see it on the news all the time – horrific accidents that leave people dead, many caused by drunk drivers, or shootings either intentional or of innocent bystanders. We sympathize with the people dissapointed ladyleft behind and share some of their pain as they weep on camera for the ever present and callously intrusive media.

Occasionally, usually months later, there will be a follow-up story about the person who caused the death being sentenced for whatever charges were brought, from manslaughter to negligent homicide to murder. In many of those cases the convicted perpetrator faces the family of the deceased and apologizes for what happened (some do not). In a few cases I have watched the reports as the remaining family members express forgiveness to the accused. I have always wondered at that. How could they, while still in mourning and with obvious grief still a part of their lives, bring themselves to forgive the person who caused the death of their loved one?

Often the media will pursue these people with that very question, not content to have been an interloper in the original incident. The reporter shoves a microphone into the faces of the family and asks them how they could do that, how they could forgive the killer of their loved one? There seems to be an interesting and telling similarity in many of the replies, “How could we not forgive?”

Even as I can’t get my head around their level of initial grief, I have difficulty assimilating that reply, too. I know that it is the right reply, the only reply that makes sense in the long run. It is what the teachings of our religious beliefs prepare us to do, yet it is hard to imagine in practice. It requires strength of character that most of us will never have to test and I think most are suspect of in ourselves. Yet, what is the alternative?

Holding on to anger and grief and continuing to direct it against someone else does nothing good for you or them. Letting go of those feelings by forgiving the other person brings closure to things and frees you to move on in life. It may have a positive effect on the other person, too. We occasionally see stories that follow up years later about how the original perpetrator turned their life around, in part because they were forgiven for their tragic mistake.

As we look at how to apply this in our more mundane daily lives, there are many little things that can happen – a partner forgetting an anniversary or other special occasion, a spouse who comes home drunk or who stays out too late, an agreement in which hurtful words are exchanged. In those cases, too, it is important to be able to say, “I forgive you” and move on. Now, this is not to say that the abused spouse or partner in a bad domestic situation should just keep saying I caringforgive you and allowing the abuse to continue. That is not the case and help should be sought in that case. There may be an opportunity later for forgiveness.

But for those other, minor things in life that are disappointing or angering, It is important to be able to forgive and, if not forget, at least move on. Most of the time the forgiveness can be silent but sometimes it is important to say it out loud and to the other person. Sometimes they’ve been wallowing in remorse over the incident and didn’t know how to make things right. Saying, “I forgive you” makes it right on many different levels.

Are you carrying around some burning little ball of bitterness over something, some rancid little dollop of hate or disappointment that you can’t seem to get rid of? Try this. Confront the person that caused this and say, “I forgive you.” If you can bring yourself to say that and mean it, a great weight will be lifted from you and you will know peace and be able to get on with life. While only God can forgive our sins, it is within our own power to forgive each other. From my tip from a couple of days ago – just do it.

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Posted by Norm Werner

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