Be somebody today…

July 10, 2016

“Be somebody who makes everybody feel like a somebody.”  (Brad Montague), as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog recently.

Everybody likes to feel like somebody, to feel important or to feel pretty or to feel that they are loved. Not everybody gets much positive reinforcement for those feelings; so, when you get the chance to give someone a compliment or words of encouragement, do it…be somebody today.

There are all too many people who relish the opportunity to put others down, to youre greatburst their balloon or to make a cruel or cutting remark. It may even be easier to be critical of that person or something that they just did than it is to find something to praise; however, those words of praise, if you can find them, can make a world of positive difference in that
person’s life. Sometimes it is that word of encouragement or approval that keeps the other person going, instead of them giving up and falling into despair. What harm does it do you to say, “Keep it up you’re getting better every time”, than to blurt out, “that really sucks”? Go for the compliment…be somebody today.

Making others feel like somebody often just means paying some attention to them, instead of ignoring them or turning away from them because they may be different. That difference could be their age or their skin color or the fact that they have a disability of introducing friendsome sort. That difference doesn’t make them a nobody to be ignored or scuffled aside.  Maybe they don’t talk like everyone else in your group or perhaps they don’t dress the same or act the same. Perhaps their very differences are what should be interesting you. Maybe you can learn something from them; if nothing else you can perhaps see their different point of view and take that into consideration. You’ll never know until you make the effort. Be somebody today.

Maybe by making that effort to make them feel like somebody they’ll return the favor and make you feel like somebody, too. At the very least you’ll know that you are somebody…being kind 1you’re the person who went out of their way to reach out and make others feel good about themselves. And, do you know what? it will make you feel great to because you chose to be somebody today.

Have a great day and be somebody who makes others feel like somebody today.


What’s happening in your house?

July 8, 2016

From a recent post on the Jack’s Winning Words blog comes this – “The weird thing about houses is that they almost always look like nothing is happening inside of happy homethem.”  (John Green) That’s certainly true in today’s air conditioned houses where people come and go through their garage and are never seen on the front porch or out in the yard. I’ve even had clients who had to get new front door locks because they never use that door and had no idea where the keys were any more.

Jack went on to include another little quote from a welcomehappy family mat that he saw somewhere that reads:  “As far as anyone knows, we’re a nice happy family.”

Sadly, all too often neither of those statements is true. As a Realtor®, I get involved with many people when the things happening inside those homes turn out not to be so happy. I deal with a lot of divorce settlement sales of the family home. Quite often I get to hear the stories from both sides of what they think had been happening in the home. It is seldom a pretty picture and the stories never match up. The atmosphere in those homes is usually a confused mix of anger, disappointment, guilt, remorse, relief and hope.

In most cases the outside world had little idea what was happening in those homes. It is perhaps the deception being carried on for the benefit of the world that contributes to the eventual breakup of the marriage and the family. Rather than face the issues that are causing friction, many couples try to contain it and hide it, many times with the rationale angry couplethat the deception was “for the kids.” Most of the time, the kids (especially the older children) can sense that something wasn’t right between mommy and daddy.

An open and honest dialogue with your significant other is the foundation of a lasting relationship. Things won’t always be wine and roses. Sometimes life throws you vinegar and thorns instead. It is your reaction to those hard times, as a couple, that will determine whether you weather them together or let them drive you apart. The old saying about what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger certainly applies to marriages, too.

Unfortunately human nature is such that many men will normally try to hold things in, to “deal with it”, to “be a man” about it. They think they are protecting their family when bored2they hold it in; however that eventually leads them to becoming moody or angry or fearful and feeling lonely. They don’t seek outside help and they turn away from the very support structure that is right there under roof with them. As they withdraw the relationship often turns sour due to confusion or a sense of loss of interest on the part of their significant other and eventually that isolation leads to a breakup of the marriage. Sadly I saw that a lot in the recent Great Recession as men reacted badly to job losses or even to the loss of their spouse’s job.

I’ve written before that women seem better equipped emotionally to deal with adversities, plus they are more likely to seek support or comfort from another woman who might be their friend. They are also more likely to have friends like that to whom they can turn than men are.

manipulationThe other thing that I have seen more of than I can understand are couples who have finally called an abusive or manipulative relationship quits. While that is normally an action taken by the women involved, I have seen the opposite when a weak man finally has had enough from an overly strong and domineering wife. I have also seen it in the GLBT community. I’ve never really understood why someone would commit to be in an abusive relationship to begin with; however, people that I’ve talked to about that said that it didn’t start that way or that the abusive partner changed after they entered the relationship.

Another deception that I’ve seen, that can lead to the breakup of families, involves either alcohol or drug abuse. Whether it involves the adults in the house or the children, the alcohol abusefamilies often go to great lengths to keep the deception of a normal home alive for the external world. In some cases the family may seek help for the substance abuser, but in other cases the old saw “We don’t talk about that” seems to hold sway. All too often the substance abuser eventually turns into just an abuser, due to the huge mood swings and stresses that accompany the habit. Eventually these unions also break up and I’m called in to sell the family home.

Finally, there is perhaps a missing guest in your home, someone who could help you with any and all of these problems. If God is missing from your home and your life, you may feel man prayinglike you have nowhere to turn for help and answers. Sometimes as we progress through life we may wander away from God and become like lost sheep. Fortunately the Good Shepard is always looking for us and trying to bring us back to God. We just have to ask. There is an interesting Web site – www.everystudent.com – that gives a road map for bringing Jesus and God into (or back into) your life and your home. The web site was created for students who are in that questioning or non-belief stage of life, but it provides good advice that can help everyone. Visit it and see if it helps you.

So, what’s happening in your house? If I’ve hit a nerve with any of the scenarios that I described above, hopefully that will help you snap out of whatever state of denial you’ve been in and recognize that you and your significant other may need to seek help. At a happy houseminimum you need to be able to have open and honest discussions about the things that aren’t going as you would like and how you both are reacting to those things. I really don’t want to meet you and be asked to sell your house because of your divorce. I much rather that you call me because your moving to accommodate a new beginning in a new job or getting ready to expand your family. Maybe you can get back to being that happy family that was mentioned on the welcome mat that everyone thought you were all along.

Have a great weekend. Invite God into your house.


Awaken the giant within – find your PASSION…

July 7, 2016

That catchy little phrase  “Awaken the Giant Within” is also the title of one of Tony Robbins’ books.  Robbins is a well know motivational speaker and financial adviser. I use it here to allude to finding and awakening a passion for something within yourself.

Now a passion is not just something that you enjoy doing. A passion, once discovered, will be something that you find you MUST do; something that you cannot stop doing; Passionsomething that drives you to take actions. Finding something that you are passionate about is not an everyday thing. For many it is, in fact, a rare thing. It’s not that there are not things that they enjoy doing, we all have those things; it’s just that that are not driven to do them. I enjoy an occasional round of golf, but I am nor passionate about golf.  There are many things like that in my life and I’m sure in yours that we could say we enjoy but have no particular passion about. Passion might be thought of as enthusiasm taken to the next level.

Your passion might be about a cause or a group or a movement or maybe your religion. Perhaps your passion is service to others. Perhaps it is about something like finding a cure for a disease or finding a way to save the lives of young people through education and intervention in issues like drinking and driving or maybe doing drugs. You will know that lack of passionyou have a passion about something when you realize that it is the most important thing in your life, at least for the moment. It’s hard to sustain and intense level of passion for an extended period; however, a true passion will never subside enough to be forgotten.

From the point of view of others, the passionate person can sometimes be mistaken for being obsessed. Perhaps sometimes unbridled passion can turn into obsession; but it is more likely that the person with passion for a cause would be called dedicated, persistent or perhaps motivated, rather than obsessed.

In my little Village of Milford, Michigan, we have some people who have become save the station rallypassionate about saving our original old train station; the one that was built when the railroad finally came through Milford in the mid 1800’s. It was buried for years beneath layers of modern siding and added on sections of what was a lumber yard. It was due to be torn down as part of a redevelopment project; however, one man with passion for saving it started a movement that has gained momentum and now has a chance of pulling off a plan to uncover it and move it rather than tear it down. Many Village and area residents have joined him to raise money, take the case to the Village government and continue the effort to “save the station.”  All it took was passion.

So how do you find something to be passionate about? Most of the time those things find you. You stumble across a cause or a group that resonates with you, with your values and the things that are otherwise important to you. Maybe it’s a news story on the nightly news or in your local newspaper. It may be about a group that fighting for or against something; but, whatever it is, it stirs something in you that says, “I want to fight for or against that, too.” That’s the first tiny sign of a possible passion. If you go with that feeling you will find yourself becoming increasingly involved with the group or movement and soon it will be you marching in the nightly news coverage. Whatever it was awoke the giant of passion within you.

One reason that we may have so few passions in life is that we are taught at a very young lazyage that moderation is the better path. Moderation is less likely to evoke negative reactions from others. We are taught to stifle ourselves (remember that line from the Archie Bunker TV show when he told his wife Edith to “stifle yourself, Edith”?) We are encouraged to sit back quietly and let others make displays of passion in demonstrations or other actions. We are trained to be apathetic and apathy is the antithesis of Passion.

Perhaps it is time to awaken the giant within yourself and let passion rule your life, in at least one little aspect.  What do you have a passion for? Why not let that passion out? Why are you holding back? Maybe you are afraid that you’ll be alone in your passion.  That seldom happens; but if it did, I suspect that you’d still find a level of satisfaction at having tried something or championed something or fought against something that you do not get out of day to day life. Having passion feels good.

So this week, try to find your passion in some cause or movement or service to others andprotesters then find an outlet for that passion. It may not be in a big demonstration or a march; it may not be in being able to solve the problem all at once; maybe it’s in something small, like helping to clean up a park or roadside or maybe just writing a letter to an official to express your passion and opinion. Whatever you do; make it just the start and watch your passion grow as you take those first little steps. A true passion will flare up like a flame when you are taking actions and then settle down to a constantly glowing ember in your soul in your day to day life.

Awaken your giant within – find your passion.


Reflecting on prior lives…

July 5, 2016

 

“It’s no use to go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”  (From Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll) – as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

I often use the phrase, “In a prior life, I was…” to relate things from my past, usually about the different jobs that I had in different industries. I seldom dwell on the past and have no regrets about things changing; that’s just how life is. I might reflect on some past job ( a past life) as a boredmeans to recollect some of the co-workers and friends that I had while in that job. Most job-related friends tended to fall away, once I was no longer in those jobs; although I’ve still got one friend from a job-related relationship with whom I still play golf and socialize with.

Some people seem to think that if they try hard enough to keep those relationships alive they can recapture the moments from that past that they so fondly remember. I get newsletters and event invites several time a year from one such group from a prior life. This is a group of ex-Army guys trying to keep alive and relive our shared experiences in Viet Nam in the late 1960’s. I have only vague recollections of those experiences and little desire to relive them.

Another group that I get frequent emails from is constituted of “alumni” from a failed technology company that I used to work for. The group holds “reunions” a couple of times a year and keeps everyone updated on the latest goings on in each other’s lives via Facebook posts. I used to attend the reunions, but haven’t been to one in years, now. They tended to be events in which the only topic of discussion was the “good ole days” and people seeking new jobs. It became obvious that talking-2there was little that we had in common once the job that we all related to had vanished. As I reflect on the time when I was there it is now apparent to me that the only topic of conversation that we had at the various social gatherings that we had was job related. How boring of a time that must have been for our spouses.

So, the little quote from Alice in Wonderland makes perfect sense. I was a different person then; and I am a different person now. Today I tend to discuss real estate in social gatherings, rather than computers. The nature of a real estate career does not promote the close social ties that other, in-the-office type jobs might. I work from my home, so I don’t have a lot of social interaction with my real estate co-workers. We have social events during the year and the talk there tends to revolve around real estate deals – how boring that must be for our spouses.

smiling manSo, perhaps it’s OK to reflect on our prior lives once in a while, but none of us can go back and relive whatever fond memories that we might have. We were different people then. Maybe we can learn a few things from that reflection that might help us in our current lives; but we are different people now and must live in the present and perhaps still dream of the future.

Have a great today and let yesterday go!


The end of the world; and how to cope with it…

June 28, 2016

Another end of the world scenario has come and passed with the vote in the UK to exit the European Union. Of course the Brexit vote, as it was dubbed, caused immediate panic on the world’s stock exchanges, most of which were due for downward adjustments and just
like that, poof billions of dollars in stock and bond value just worried1disappeared.  Like most, I suffered a loss to my retirement savings; but, I wondered if the people in the poorest countries of the world even noticed the cataclysmic impact of that vote? Who in Liberia, the poorest country in Africa with a GDP of just $454 per year, really cares whether Great Britain is in or out of EU? In fact, who in the small, poor villages of Liberia cares about the EU at all?

The world did not end and only time will tell whether the people of Great Britain made a wise or foolish decision. The sun came up the next day and life went on. Floods and fires continued to ravage parts of the U.S. Wars, famine, drought or floods continued to wreakarguing havoc with many parts of the world. And in other news, people continued to rob or shoot other people, trusted people in roles of authority continued to embezzle or cheat those who trusted them, people with pets found new things to post about them on the internet and Hillary and Donald continued to sling mud at each other. The world around us goes on.

So, as we begin another new week, confident that the world will go on; maybe we should turn our attention to things that really do matter, things that do have real impact on our lives, because they are things that we can control. Perhaps the words of Elbert Hubbard that appeared in a post on the Jack’s Winning Words blog could guide us – “Be pleasant until ten o’clock in the morning, and the rest of the day will take care of itself.”

To be pleasant takes a conscious effort, mostly not to be unpleasant, not to let prejudicespleasant or preconceptions about others take over and manifest themselves in our behavior. Perhaps letting ourselves be empathetic towards others, rather than judgmental, is another way to be pleasant.  It’s worth a try. So, try to be pleasant until at least 10 AM and see if the rest of your day takes care of itself.

Have a good (and pleasant) day.

 


The choice is up to you…

June 24, 2016

“When you can’t have what you choose, you just choose what you have.”  (Owen Wister) – as seen recently on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

Life is full of choices, but many times we cannot have what we would prefer to choose. Sometimes we feel like we’re “stuck” with what we have, instead of being thankful and happy that we have anything. One has only to watch the nightly news to see stories of people who have no choices and/or have nothing. If that gives you pause to say to yourself, “There but by the grace of God go I”; at least you’re in the right ballpark, but maybe no yet on the right track.

As a society we have become enamored of the basics of life, taking them for granted. I get a kick out of the news stories were people are proclaiming that they have a “right” to this orbill of rights that, whether it be clean water or electricity for their home or the many other things that people believe are somehow “owed” to them. Somehow the things that we should be thankful for have become expected, even proclaimed as rights. Even the rights that we have that were enshrined in our Constitution were extended to us by the consensus of the people at the time they were written and were not somehow innate.

There is nothing wrong with choosing to try to attain something that we currently don’t have, whether it is more education, more money, more possessions or new relationships; but we cannot just choose to have them. One choice that we must constant make in life iswomen looking at watch whether to be happy with what we have now, even while perhaps striving for more or newer or bigger or better somehow. I have learned from experience that the attainment of most of those strivings brought much less satisfaction or joy than I initially imagined it would. It’s just another thing or a bigger thing; but still just a thing.

The really rewarding attainments in my life came out of new friendships or new relationships. Perhaps the most rewarding of all comes from continuing to choose what I already have – a marriage that celebrates 50 years of choosing each other this year. I think the trial period on that is over and I’ll keep that relationship and choose to be thankful for it every day.

bored2The other big choice in my life that really worked out was choosing to allow Jesus into my life. Sure, I went through the period of doubt or disbelief that most people do in their youth. I went through the “Going through the motions” period, too; where going to church was more of a social event or just another task to get through at the end of the week.

Then I had my “Come to Jesus” moment, as most people eventually do and my life
changed forever. Mine, as happens with many, came at a very dark time in my life, when hopelessness and despair were in control and I saw no future in living. At that dark helping handsmoment I reached out in desperation and Jesus was there to reach back to me, take my hand and lead me out of that pit. I have found comfort ever since in the little prayer that I said that night – “Not my will, but thy will be done.”

I will never look back into that pit. I have made a different choice and I have chosen what I have in Jesus. You can, too. Try that little prayer and see if it doesn’t make a difference for you.

The choice is up to you.

 


Love thy neighbor, be kind today…

June 22, 2016

“Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.”  (Samuel Johnson); as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog today.

One could say that cordialness is in our power, even if friendship is not. The point is that we make the choice of how to react and interact with others, even those with whom we disagreement2disagree or who don’t make liking them easy. In this season of heightened political passions it is particularly hard sometimes to be kind or cordial with someone who may be proclaiming the political opposite of what you believe.

Unfortunately in life and is politics we have become a more polarized society, with little opportunity for intelligent conversation about the middle ground or compromise. Discussing topics like gun control, birth control and the GLBT lifestyle have devolved from conversations into rants and arguments. We are forced into taking side in discussions where the only alternatives are “you’re either with us or against us.” We are not allowed to have a middle-ground point of view or to espouse a solution that involves compromise by both sides. Even the word compromise is now used as a litmus test against others in some political circles and has become associated with weakness or betrayal of strongly held beliefs.

Jack went on to write – Some people are really hard to get along with.  To “love” does not necessarily mean to be “fond.”  Kindness is what Jesus had in mind when he talked about love…trying to see with a different set of eyes.  Are you able to do it?

Kindness is not pity. Kindness is not false. Kindness is the conscious attempt to understand the other person’s point of view without prejudging it. Much of what others
may proclaim with loud bluster is actually masking deep fears and insecurities. Many predjuicesprejudices are rooted in the same insecurities and fears. We tend to fear what we do not understand, rather than make the effort to see things from that different point of view.

We need not try to force ourselves to like the choices or lifestyles that people we meet may have embraced; but, we need not fear them either. We also don’t have to embrace their point of view; just be kind and accept them for who they are. Once you can do that, you may even find them to be someone who you could be fond of. At the least you will no longer have to be afraid of them or prejudiced against them.

I have found that refusing to rise to the bait of a pushy or bully type person or stopping myself from jumping immediately to a conclusion about a person, based solely upon the judge thingsinitial visual impression that they make, helps me. It is that initial pause from making some immediate judgement that allows that ability to be kind to kick in. It’s not always easy; because I carry around the weight of a lifetime of fears and prejudices, as we all do. It takes a conscience effort and I am not always successful; but I have found that the rewards from making that effort far outweigh the alternatives, which almost always lead to regrets later. Making a new friend is much better than adding a new fear or enemy in life.

Try to be kind today and see if it makes a difference in your life. Maybe you’ll end the day with a new friend, too.


It is what it is; or maybe not…

June 21, 2016

I’ve posted here a few times on this topic, but it’s always worth a re-visit. Down through the ages there have been various pronouncements about accepting things in life –

All the way from “Make the best use of what is in your power and take rest as it happens.”  –  Epictetus (circa 55 AD)-  from a recent Jack’s Winning Words blog.

And then there was the advice in a more modern song – “Let it be – The Beatles

boredThe key to understanding  those pieces of advice is our ability to distinguish between those things that we can change from those over which we have no control. Frustration, anger or maybe even despair come from railing against those things that we cannot control, rather than just accepting them and getting on with life.

The little toss-away saying “It is what it is”, is a reflection of the rather passive attitude that everything that happens to you is just something that you have to accept. I don’t accept that.

Sometimes, “what it is” might be an injustice or the result of a prejudice and you don’t calm personhave to passively accept that. Sometimes, “what it is” might involve a slight or a snub or some other hateful or hurtful behavior towards you and what you still control in those situations is how you react to them. Fortunately, we have some help with that which is captured nicely in this little quote that is also from the Jack’s Winning Words blob –

“God give us the power to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.”  (Reinhold Niebuhr)

Jack went on to write that this was a little prayer originally included in a sermon by Niebuhr and that it has been adopted by many 12-step programs including AA. You don’t have to be in a program to use it to make your life better. Pray for that wisdom to praying handsdistinguish in your life those things that you just need to accept from those that you have the power to change and then pray for the courage to change them. Remember that “it isn’t what it is until you decide that it is.”

For those things that cannot be changed, pray for the power of God’s peace that will allow you to accept them with serenity. As the Beatles song says – Let it be.

Have a great and peaceful week ahead!


Make life’s journey more satisfying, take this side trip often…

June 11, 2016

“The most important trip you may take in this life is meeting people halfway.”  (Henry Boyle) – as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog recently.

The ability and flexibility to meet people halfway in life is comprised of equal parts of empathy, humility, intelligence and faith and is an extremely important and valuable part of making life better for you and the people that you meet. If you always try playing life as a win-losing zero sum game, you will soon find yourself playing alone. Everyone that you meet wants to win, too; so the real secret to a successful and satisfying life is finding ways to make every situation a win-win for all parties involved.

Creating win-win scenarios doesn’t necessarily require that you lose. Meeting people half way isn’t losing, it is allowing both of you to win. As a society that has become a lot harder discussion over tablelately, because opposing views have hardened and compromise has taken on an undesirable meaning that is associated more with losing than with everybody finding a win out of the situation. Our political process, especially at the national level has effectively broken down because of the inability of the parties to compromise and the increasing polarization of those we elected to govern. They cannot govern because they cannot compromise. To them politics and the decisions that they control is a win-lose game.

Life doesn’t have to be like that; your life doesn’t have to be like that. Psalm 34:4 says – “God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears.” It’s those different beliefsanxious fears that sometimes drive us to stand back or shy away rather than even try to understand someone else’s point of view. It is our own insecurities that make us cling to old, outdated or bigoted stereotypes, rather than to take the chance of embracing someone new. Perhaps you can meet them half way.

Keep in mind that the other person is also moving away from their comfort zone in order to meet you in the middle. They may be having just as hard of a time seeing your point of view as you are having trying to seeing theirs. If you can start with the thought that neither point of view is right or wrong, just different; then, perhaps, you can take the next step and consider that things might look different from men huggingtheir vantage point and that may drive different decisions or behaviors. Maybe you’ll even have an “aha” moment in which you finally understand their perspective. You don’t have to embrace it, just accept that it exists. You don’t have to go all the way there; you can usually see it, if you’ll just meet them half way.

So take a few little side trips as you journey through life and find out how other people live by meeting them halfway on things. Who knows; you might even like their point of view, once you understand it. You’ll never know until you try.


Be kind, even if you have to bend the truth…

June 9, 2016

“Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.”  (Robert Brault) – as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

look in mirorSome people take great pride in always being “truthful”, even it it may be unkind, such as truthfully answering the question, “Do these pants make me look fat?” What value is there in your truthfulness in that situation, if it is unkind or causes pain.

From WikiPedia comes this definition of kindness – “Kindness is a behavior marked by ethical characteristics, a pleasant disposition, and concern for others. It is known as a virtue, and recognized as a value in many cultures and religions.” There are no downsides in that definition of kindness as there might be in always being truthful with others. After all, as the opening quote points out, how sure are you that what you might be saying is the “truth?” In many cases, such as in the case of the question above, what you might say is the “truth” is really just your opinion. If that is true, why render an opinion that might hurt the feelings of someone else. What’s the upside in that?

Aesop, the well-known and respected Greek author, said “No act of kindness, no matter greek manhow small, is ever wasted.” The same cannot be said about the truth, which often falls upon deaf ears. So, perhaps today you will have one of those choices to make – to tell “the truth” to someone or to be kind. What will you do? Why did you make that choice? Do you think that telling the truth will somehow make the situation better, make the other person feel better or just make you feel better?

Perhaps we should all head the advice of Colossians 3:12 – Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. So, as you put on your clothes to start a new day, also kindness quotecloth yourself with those virtues before you begin encountering people and situations that will challenge you for a response. You’ll feel much better that the end of the day if you have responded with kindness, rather than smugly responding to all questions and situations with what you perceive to be “the truth.” So, the best answer to the question in paragraph 2 is that “those are really nice looking pants and they look great on you.”

Have a kinder, gentler day.