Jack used this quote in a recent post to his blog, Jack’s Winning Words – “Let’s face it, friends make life a lot more fun.” – Charles R. Swindoll
Actually the quote Jack used was quite a bit longer; but, I chose to use only the last sentence.
If you substitute the word companions for the word friends in that sentence you will be closer to what I’m thinking while writing this piece. Companions is more inclusive term that allows spouses to also be referenced better than just the word friends.
Man is not a solitary animal; at least not most men (women). There are examples in the wild kingdom of animals that prefer to be alone (albeit not in the mating season), but even the animal kingdom, there are more examples of animals that prefer to be in groups, packs, prides, gaggles or whatever they are called for their species. In most of those cases, they also interact with each other in helpful ways that go beyond just socializing – perhaps grooming each other or caring for the young of other members of the group.
For us, as humans, having companion gives us someone to share things with, both good and bad. For us, joining in on a victory celebration or offering a shoulder to cry upon is a natural part of life. We like to share the good things in life – a good joke, a promotion at work, the success of our team, the victories of our children. We also seek out a companion to share the bad things with – a death in the family, the breakup of a relationship or being laid off at work. We seek someone to share with.
How much less fun, or more miserable, life would be if we didn’t have someone to share those good and bad moments with. That’s part of what we sign up for when we take wedding vows – “through good times and bad”. As I look back over my 53 years of marriage the thing that comes to mind are all of those moments of sharing with my life companion – the many good times and the few bad ones. How desolate my life would have been had I not had someone to share with.
If one is deeply introspective, another thought that comes to mind is that we are never really alone. God is, always has been, and always will be there with us. I think of the times that I was physically alone or away from my life companion and something happened that I needed to share. Who did I turn to? God was there to share the good times and to comfort and reassure in the bad times. I am guilty of not giving Him enough credit for the good times and perhaps turning too late to Him during the bad; but, He was always there when I needed a companion. He was someone I always knew that I could share with.
So, Swindoll was right. Friends (companions) and God make life more fun. They give us someone to share life with.
A post to the blog, Jack’s Winning Words ,not too long ago used this quote – “Life is very interesting. In the end some of your greatest pains become your greatest strengths.” (Drew Barrymore)
You could substitute other words like challenges or tribulations or roadblocks or setbacks for the word “pains” in the quote, and add the word “overcoming” right before the word “some”. If you did that, I think you would have what Barrymore was trying to say.
At the time that they are occurring, trials and tribulations don’t feel good and you usually don’t think about how you will look back on the events that are unfolding as a learning and growth experience. However, extraordinary events, especially bad events, force us grow by forcing us outside of our comfort zone and into problem solving mode.
My wife and I often use a little phrase between ourselves as a tension breaker, when we’ve hit a hiccup in life. We say, “someday we’ll look back on this an laugh”. We’ve had a lot of laughs in our 53 years of marriage, much of it over things that felt bad when they occurred. To a certain extent what we end up laughing at is not the event; but, rather, how we reacted to the event.
So, how does a pain, a failure, a setback in life become a strength? It has to do with building your store of wisdom and your character at the same time. Wisdom and character don’t just happen or increase on their own; they happen and grow because you have been “through” something – some adversity or new experience. They can both grow from good things happening as they do from dealing with the bad things in life.
I’ve posted here many times about problem solving, so I won’t repeat that advice. What I want to add to that advice is that you make a conscious effort while going through the problem solving process to learn from it and to find a new strength in the solution. Maybe you can use a slight variation on the little saying that I use with my wife and say to yourself, “someday I’ll look back on this and appreciate what I’ve learned from it.” You will have learned things about both the event and about yourself and how you reacted to it. Both add to your wisdom base.
Life’s pains can seem to be overwhelming. Take some time each day to think about the “pains” in your life and how you are dealing with them. While you are in that introspective mode, take a moment to ask for God’s help with them. Trusting in God to help with your pains allows you to step back a little bit and gain some perspective on them. Oft times, that ability to “see” the pain in the broader perspective of life will allow you to regain enough control to be able to effectively apply the logic of problem solving. No matter what the pain, dealing with it can be broken down into a series of manageable, solvable steps. Step 1 is to get God involved.
It is interesting that some of the best motivational speakers on problems like drug addiction or human trafficking or other horrible pains in life are recovered addicts, or people who were sex trafficked themselves. They have found ways, not only to overcome the pains, but also to turn them into strengths in their lives.
What pains are you facing? How can you turn them into strengths? Have you asked for God’s help yet? Take step 1 and turn your pains into strengths.
A recent post to the Jack’s Winning Words blog used this quote – “Every wall is a door.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
Life often throws things at us that appear to be walls – things preventing us from moving ahead. In bad times, it can feel like the walls are boxing us in and closing in on us. All of these times are opportunities to look for the door that Emerson alluded to in his quote.
Yesterday I wrote about dealing with crises and I have posted more than once about problem solving. A key to both is seeing that there is a door, an opportunity, in every wall that life throws our way. So, instead of sitting there moaning, “woe is me” in hard times, one needs to start searching for the door in that wall and figuring out how to open it.
If you ever watched the old Price is Right show, you know that they often presented contestants with multiple doors. They would tell the contestant that behind one of the doors was a really great prize, but behind the other(s) was a bust. The contestant then had to choose a door. Sometimes we are presented with multiple doors in the walls that life throws at us. We know that one of the doors will lead to a good outcome, but that some of the doors could lead to even bigger trouble. Many are frozen in place by the choice and are unable to get through the wall. Some just continually choose the wrong doors in life and sink deeper and deeper into trouble.
Wouldn’t life be so much better if you had help finding the doors in your walls and then choosing the right one to go through? There is a cute cereal commercial running right now in which a father advises a young girl about to ride off on her bicycle to make good choices. We are not told where she is going or why, nor do we get any insight into the choices that she may have to make. Life is like that. We don’t know what choices we will be faced with today or how many walls may be thrown up in our way. The things that we can do is to set out with the thought in mind that we will make good choices and find he doors in whatever walls we encounter. Just taking the approach that we will find the door in those walls is our first good choice of the day.
So, where is the help in all of that? Maybe it is in pausing at the start of each day to say a little prayer, a prayer that God helps you make good choices throughout the day. That gives you a sense of confidence that you are not alone in facing those walls and the courage to pick a door and go through it. You are not asking God to solve all of the problems that come your way, but rather to give you the wisdom and courage to make good choices and find the way through those walls.
Don’t stand there lamenting that you have hit a wall…find the door to your future today. Ask for God’s help and the door will appear.
In today’s post to his Jack’s Winning Words blog, Jack Freed used this quote from John F. Kennedy – “When written in Chinese the word ‘crisis’ is composed of two characters—one represents danger and the other represents opportunity.”
We will all face a few crises in our lives or at least situations that we feel are crises. How we react to them perhaps depends upon which of the Chinese characters we see. Do you see only the danger in a crisis or can you see the opportunity. We see and hear on the news almost daily about “heroes” who spring into action to rescue someone who is experiencing a crisis moment – perhaps involving an accident or fire or some other calamity. I’m sure that those heroes see the danger involved, but they choose to take the opportunity to help.
More important for most of us is how we, ourselves, with handle the crises that life throws our way. Those who see only the dangers involved may seek relief by hiding or withdrawing into their own protective shells. It is all too easy to let fear take hold and paralyze us from taking any actions. Maybe we don’t step in when we see bullying taking place or perhaps we cross the street to avoid the person with whom we have a disagreement. Maybe we refused to believe that a mistake that we have made has ended a relationship. In the realm of “fight or flight” reactions, those are all flight responses to crises.
The response that sees opportunity in the crisis is not necessarily a “fight “response so much as it is a “take action” response. These people see the opportunity in the situation – the opportunity to do something in response. People who see opportunity in crises immediately go in to problem solving mode, whether it’s jumping into action and quickly figuring out a rescue plan at an accident or conflagration, or assessing what needs to be said or done to defuse and calm a personal conflict. It’s not so much that they don’t see the danger in the situation (after all the burning car right in front of them is hard to miss), it’s just that the opportunity to help, to do something , overrides their fear of personal danger. They NEED to act – to seize the opportunity.
For most of us, life is quite a bit less dramatic than encountering accidents with people trapped in burning cars or, maybe, having to react in an active shooter incident. Our “crises” are usually the result of interpersonal conflicts or misunderstandings and certainly the “danger” involved is usually not immediately life threatening. For some, however, the anxiety or depression that can result from these crises is life threatening in a very real way. Setbacks or dissapointments may become crises because of their inability to deal with the events that occur in their lives. Those “crises” may represent an opportunity for you to jump in to save the life of your friend or loved one; but, that’s a topic for a future post.
Who knew that crises could be so neatly categorized? Go read the article and see if there are any other categories that you might add.
No matter what the crisis the key thing is how you deal with it. I’ve posted here a few times on problem solving, so I won’t repeat all of the at advice. Just search problem solving to see the posts. What this post is focused upon is the recognition that one is in a crisis situation and the considered decision to deal with it rationally. It is not unusual for crises to occur at a fast pace and perhaps in a confusing environment. That makes it all the more important to be able to step back for an instance, recognize that you are dealing with a situation that requires that you take some action and then formulate a quick action plan. Just that moment of clarity is often enough to snap you out of panic and into problem solving mode. In that moment, you have regained control, not of the situation, but of yourself.
Some people actually think ahead about what they might do in a crisis situation. Airline pilot Chesley Sullenberger said in his post crisis interviews that he had been thinking hew entire career about what to do if the plane that he was piloting suffered a catastrophic failure of both engines. He certainly didn’t think that he would ever have to put those plans into action until the day that he had to land his crippled plane in the Hudson river. I have also posted here in the past about not overthinking (called worrying) about all possible outcomes for some future event, especially those involving personal confrontations. There is a big difference between doing some planning and just plain worrying about things.
So, how will you handle future crises? It is OK to recognize the danger in the situation. That keeps one from becoming foolhardy. Rather, try to keep calm and focus upon the opportunity that is also there. There ae good, bad and ugly possible outcomes in all situations and you can find he good outcome if you just look for it. If you are a person of faith, take heart in this passage from Philippians 4:6-7 – “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Imagine how much better you could handle the crises in your life if you approached each one with the Peace of God in your heart and mind.
A recent post to the Jack’s Winning Words blog featured this quote from Dr. Seuss – “Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.” (Dr. Seuss)
When I saw that quote, another saying that I recalled came to mind – “Don’t wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.” (Zoey Sayward)
Memories are things that we recall from the past, sometimes pleasantly so and so times not. Moments are here and now and what they become is often up to us. Seize the moments in your life.
Some moments just happen and we just happen to be in them. In those cases, we may be pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised and we will later process them into happy or unhappy memories. However, much of the time the moments that we are experiencing we do have some level of control over and it the decisions that we make in the moment that dictate how they will be remembered. Seize the moments in your life.
One can take a very passive approach to life and wait for moments to unfold around you and sweep you along with them; or, you can be pro-active and seize the moment and try to make it the best that it can be. While we can’t totally dictate the outcome of the moments of our lives, we all can influence those outcomes by how we choose to react to the unfolding events of the moment. We can choose to be victims of the moment or we can be warriors, like Sayward’s saying, and fight to make the moments perfect. Seize the moments in your life.
Seizing the moments in your life is not difficult, but it does require a conscious effort and a continuous effort. One begins to seize the moment when one takes this advice –
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ( Eckhart Tolle)
-and –
“There are no ordinary moments.” (Dan Millman)
Moments that feel ordinary to you are just moments that you didn’t take the time to appreciate. You took them and life for granted. If you live each moment as if it were your last, you will begin to understand what Tolle and Millman were saying. Seize the moments in your life.
Sometimes the moments are difficult, but that is OK, because you will benefit from having lived through them. As Deena Kastor said – “Sometimes the moments that challenge us the most, define us.” Any soldier, and especially any Marine, will tell you how going through boot camp helped defined them. Many were further tested and defined by moments on the battlefield. Seize the moments in your life.
Perhaps no better advice about seizing the moments in your life has ever been given than that given by Rcik Warren in this quote –
“Happy moments, PRAISE God. Difficult moments, SEEK God. Quiet moments, WORSHIP God. Painful moments, TRUST God. Every moment, THANK God. “
Remember that God is with you every moment and that will help you – Seize the moments in your life.
A recent post to the Jack’s Winning Words blog used this quote – “Relationships last not because they were destined to last. Relationships last long because two people made the choice to keep it, fight for it and work for it.” – LessonsLearnedInLife.com
While the words “keep it, fight for it and work for it”
are important, perhaps the most important words in that quote are “made the
choice”. That begs a conscious decision on the part of both parties to make the
relationship work. Very often in divorce cases it becomes obvious that only one
of the parties had made that decision, or perhaps both had cavalierly entered
into the relationship and neither was willing to put in the effort to make it
work.
Relationships do take effort. They take compromise and a
selflessness. They require that one put the relationship above self-interest.
Lasting relationships also require vulnerability and trust. All of those things
are matters of choice. All are usually tested during the relationship sometimes
quite often. Sometimes it leads to one party in the relationship feeling
trapped or smothered by the relationship. That is a red flag warning that the relationship
may be in trouble or at least needs work. It is a call for self-reflection.
Am I feeling trapped because I am selfish or unwilling to
compromise? Is my opinion or desire more important than those of my partner in
the relationship? Are my feelings driven by self-interest over the interest of
the relationship? Is the good of the relationship more powerful than the bad
that I feel right now? In cases where one does not pause to think through these
types of relationship questions, one’s actions may lead to a breakup of the relationship.
So, understand that you are always making choices whenever a relationship is involved. You decided to enter into the relationship to begin with and now you have choices to make that will either keep it going or cause it to fail. These are value judgments, based upon the value that you assign to the relationship. You do not have to view the relationship as a zero-sum game, where one party is forced to lose so that the other can win. Strive instead to find win-win solutions in every decision that you must make. Win-win solutions increase the value of the relationship and you both benefit from that.
It is also important to the relationship to know when to
just step back and not be involved in something – to give your partner the
space to just be themselves or have other relationships with friends. That is a
recognition that you are not “in control” of your relationship partner and acceptance
that they have their own life to live and their own decisions to make, both
inside and outside of the relationship. You may find that this is one of the
best decisions that you will make in the relationship and one that actually
strengths it.
Make the choice today to be a thoughtful partner in the relationships
that you have. Stop and consider the value of those relationships and be
conscious of the work that you need to do to keep them and grow them. Relationships
don’t just happen – you make them happen.
A recent post to the Jack’s Wining Words blog contained this Native American blessing – “May every sunrise bring you hope. May every sunset bring you peace.”
The simple and honest faith of Native Americans in what
they called The Great Spirit (God) is something to be admired and emulated. Their
faith was not perverted by religious practices or church dogma. They saw the
hand of The Great Spirit in nature and had a very direct, personal relationship
with God.
We all start the day with hopes. A quick way to make the
prospects of achieving your hopes today is to pause to ask for God’s help. Ask not
that God make your hopes come true; but rather, ask for the wisdom and strength
of character to make wise decisions during the day and the determination to carry
out your decisions.
If you seek God’s help at the beginning of the day, it
will be much easier at the end of the day to find peace. The key to that peace
is to focus upon all of the things that you did get done and not on the things that
remain for you to do. Thank God, for His help during the day and be satisfied that
you did all that you could today to realize your hopes. If you get into a
routine of asking God and thanking God each day for His help in fulfilling your
hopes, you may find that your hopes each morning align better with your ability
to achieve those hopes. That is part of the wisdom that you were seeking in
your morning prayer.
So, be happy and thankful that you made it to another
sunrise and pause to seek God’s help with your day. Then, at the end of the
day, pause to thank God for His help during the day and find the peace that you
need to get a good night’s sleep.
Tomorrow will be another day filled with hope.
Have a great week ahead and be thankful on Thanksgiving Day.
I save most of the little quotes that Jack Freed uses each weekday morning in his blog Jack’s Winning Words. They provide me with inspiration for my own posts to this blog . Sometimes, when I look at the little collection of quotes, it jumps out at me that two for more seem to belong together. Such was the case this morning. I was saving the quote about things best left unsaid, when I spotted the quote about knowing who’s business it is –
“It is awfully important to
know what is and what is not your business.” (Gertrude
Stein)
“Some things are just better
left unsaid, and I usually realize that right after I say them.” (not
attributed)
There are occasions when getting involved in somebody else’s business is warranted, in order to prevent them from hurting themselves or others. Sometimes those occasions are called interventions and many times deal with situations where the person can no longer determine right from wrong. Those situations could be caused by an addiction or maybe just a series of bad decisions that have led to a path of self-destruction.
Unfortunately, many well-meaning people stick their noses in where they don’t belong, because the situation offends their own personal beliefs. Such is often the case with efforts to discourage or intervene in certain life-style decisions, especially those involving sexuality. That is not your business and the more left unsaid the better.
So listen to this Ariana Grande song about leaving things unsaid and think about it before you jump in and say something that you will regret right after you say it. It probably wasn’t your business to begin with. In most cases you will be much better off using your ears to listen than using your mouth to interject.
A quote today from theJack’s Winning WordsBlog got me to thinking – “It’s not enough to have a good mind; the main thing is to use it well.” (Rene Descartes)
Rene Descartes
Maybe Descartes should have added “or to use it at all”. How many times have you seen news stories or
heard about some incident and
immediately what popped into your mind was the question, “What were they thinking?”
Maybe they weren’t thinking at all. Perhaps their actions
were being driven by unbridled anger, such as in the numerous “road rage”
stories that we hear about so often. Perhaps preconceived prejudices or
unfounded fears had taken over, as we witness in the many stories in the news
about black people being discriminated against in restaurants and elsewhere. In
many news stories, we are told that they probably weren’t thinking at all because
their minds had been clouded by drugs or alcohol. In all of those cases there is no good answer
to the question, What where they
thinking?
Jack wrote in his post that he admired Descartes because he
was not afraid to use his mind and to disagree with others in his day. It is
also important to use one’s mind to question your own thoughts, opinions and actions
or reactions to things that are occurring around you. I have not yet mastered the
ability to completely shut out old prejudices or preconceived ideas from my
past; however, I have developed more awareness of when they take over my mind
or cause a specific reaction. I am more able now to stop myself quicker from
proceeding down a path that those prejudices may be dictating. When I stop and ask
myself the question, “What were you thinking?”
the answer most often is that I wasn’t really thinking, I was letting something
else control my emotions and actions or reactions. That pause to think allows
me to regain some measure of control. I
only wish that I took that pause to think more often.
Perhaps the best take away from today it that you can’t go through
life on cruise control or auto-pilot. Just like current experiments with
autonomous cars, there are too many things that may occur in life that require
that you keep your mind focused upon the steering wheel of your life. That means using your mind, as Descartes
recommended and constantly being aware of what you are thinking and (more importantly)
why you are thinking that way. It is important to examine and challenge the
thoughts and actions of others; however, it is just as important to challenge the
basis of your own thoughts and actions and to ask yourself the question – What were you thinking?
The real challenge for us all is to move from the past tense
in that little phrase and become more aware in the present of what we are
thinking and why. That is what Descartes was saying when he advised that we use
our minds well. It means staying in control by constantly being aware of your
own thoughts, preconceived or otherwise, and making better decisions about what
you allow to control your emotions and reactions to events in life. Just keep
asking yourself, “What am I thinking ?”
and, like Descartes, keep questioning, why?
As we approach the Christmas season (which some stores started before Halloween), some focus upon what they don’t have and makes lists of things that they want, in hopes of getting someone to give those things to them. Many of those people believe that they won’t be happy until they get all of the things that they want. Back in 2015, I wrote the post below, inspired by a quote from my favorite blog. It still applies, today.
“Just remember there is someone out there that is more
than happy with less than what you have.” (Unknown) From the Jack’s Winning Words blog.
Sadly, we live in a society that conditions us to be
unhappy with what we have and to always be striving for more. Whatever we have
is not enough to make us happy because someone else has more or different
things. Now there is certainly nothing
wrong with striving to get ahead, but one has to stop every now and then and
ask, “Ahead of what?” Very few of us live in survival mode, scraping along for
our next meal or a place to sleep tonight; but there are those people among us.
In general we are able to provide at least food and shelter for our family and
for most a good deal beyond just those necessities. But, are we happy with what
we have; or, do we constantly want more, in the belief that having more will
make us happier?
One of the most unhappy men in the Bible was the man who
asked Jesus what he needed to do to get into heaven. When Jesus replied that he
should sell everything that he had and give the money to the poor and follow
him; the man wandered off unhappily muttering to himself, for we are told that
he was very wealthy and obviously did not want to give up that wealth. Are we
the same way today? Do we reach and reach and reach for what we don’t have,
instead of being happy with what we do have and what would we do if Jesus asked
us to sell everything that we have, give the money to the poor and follow him?
Jesus might be a pretty lonely guy in today’s world.
The key to being happy with what you have, it seems to
me, is to change your focus from things to people, from possessions to
relationships, from those that you’d love to be like to those who love you as
you are. Learn to express your love for them without holding out a gift of some
sort or buying a new possession to share with them. If you ever get to an
honest state with them, they’d probably tell you that they could care less
about your car or your house or your boat or any other of your possessions.
What they value is your time and attention; your love and affection; you
sharing of yourself and not your possessions.
What happens when you get to that state of understanding
and happiness with your loved ones is that you grant yourself permission to be
happy with what you have. That doesn’t mean that you just quit your job or
don’t accept the next promotion or even stop looking for a bigger house
someday. Giving yourself permission to be happy with what you’ve got just means
that you will no longer use the pursuit of possessions as the measure of your
life and your happiness. You stop keeping score on that scorecard, because
you’ve started keeping score based upon the smiles on the faces of the one that
you love; and those smiles come because you were there sharing your love and
not because of what you brought with you. Once you change to that focus getting
the next possession will be much less important to than attending the next
little league game or the father daughter dance or maybe going out to dinner
with your significant other.
Dale Carnegie put
it well when he said – “Success is
getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.”
May you find happiness in what you have. Then, it will be a merry Christmas indeed.
Posted by Norm Werner 
NormsMilfordBlog 