What do you do with your failures?

July 9, 2021

I really don’t want to write about failures; but, rather, how you react when you have experienced a failure in your life. I found this quote that kind of sets the tone for this post…

I’ve observed that if individuals who prevail in a high competitive environment have any one thing in common besides success, it is failure — and their ability to overcome it.
– Bill Walsh, college and NFL football coach

Failures are an inevitable part of life, unless you never try anything, which would make your life really boring. Some people spend so much time worrying or planning for failure that they actually DO very little. Others develop a fatalistic outlook on life that almost assures the failures that they are confident are about to happen to them.

We don’t have to be highly competitive people in sports or in business to better position ourselves to deal with failures – to overcome them. Overcoming them, by the way, may not always mean continuing to try to do the same thing over an over until you succeed.  Sometimes overcoming a failure means learning and accepting that doing the thing that you failed at is not possible and deciding to try something different or a different approach towards the same goal.

Many people spend a lot of time following a failure trying to find something or someone else to blame. That is basically a denial of personal responsibility for the failure or a way to refuse to accept that the failure happened. Some people retreat into a “poor me” response and try to find comfort in the thoughts that the whole world is somehow against their success. They make up conspiracy theories to explain their failures.

A key word in Walsh’s quote is “prevail”. One dictionary definition of the word prevail, when used as a verb is – “prove more powerful than opposing forces”.

How does one prevail and prove more powerful than whatever failure the opposing forces have caused? One can begin by not allowing the failure to extinguish hope. Then you can turn that failure into a learning experience that will help guide a future attempt at success. Instead of spending time asking who or what caused this failure, instead ask, “what can I learn from this and what can I do differently in the future to avoid another failure like this one”. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, turn your energy towards planning a better future attempt or perhaps even a different thing to attempt. Doing that requires two things – letting go of the past (the failure) and continued hope for the future.

I’ve posted here a few times about the intertwined impacts of faith and hope in our lives. Whether hope precedes faith or faith is the bedrock upon which hope is built is a debatable topic. I choose to believe that having faith in God allows us to have hope in the face of our trials and failures in life. It is in that moment of surrender to God with the prayer, “not my will but thy will be done”, that hope is rekindled. It is that surety that God is with us that allows us to prove more powerful than opposing forces – to prevail.

So, what do you with your failures? If you take them to God in prayer, you will prevail. After all we have been told in Romans 8:31 – “If God is with us, who can be against us?”

Remember, however, to pray for the right thing: not that God make the challenge facing you disappear (God doesn’t work like that); but, rather, that God be with you and give you the strength and perseverance to prevail.

That’s what you can do to overcome your failures.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Casper or Beetlejuice – which will they see?

July 7, 2021

I think this quote might have  come Pastor Freed’s blog, Jack’s Winning Words, but I’ve had it around for so long that I can’t remember. It just reads like something that he would post.

“Once you are a parent, you’re the ghost of your child’s future.”  (From movie: Interstellar)

There is a series of humorous ads on TV about not becoming your parents and we hear the phrase “Dad jokes” a lot these days. The truth is that parents and what we see them do as we are growing up do have a huge impact on how we turn out. Children watch how their parents act and react and try to emulate them, either consciously or unconsciously. That can be good or bad, depending upon what they see and hear. Will they see the ghost of Casper the Friendly Ghost or Beetlejuice?

Courtesy, kindness, and compassion are all learned responses towards others; however, disdain, hate and prejudices are also learned responses. Which will your children pick up from you? Casper or Beetlejuice?

Many young couples spend a few years together before they have children, sometimes by choice and sometimes not. During that time, they can easily slip into a very self-centered relationship where the lack of responsibilities (and expenses) for anyone else (i.e. children) allows them the freedom to indulge themselves. For them, the arrival of the first child may be a traumatic change in lifestyle. Suddenly, they are not free to come and go as they please or spend on whatever they want. In some cases, the wife’s shift of attention from the husband to the baby causes tension and resentment in the husband. It is life changing, but not life (or marriage) ending. How are you reacting to the baby?  Casper or Beetlejuice?

Once the trauma (and drama) of becoming a parent has passed, it is time to settle down and deal with the responsibilities.  It is not just about providing for the physical wellbeing of the child. It is about the responsibility for their future, for who and what they will grow up to be. It is your role as the ghost of their future. It’s about what will they learn from watching you. Casper or Beetlejuice?

One aspect of life in particular seems to have been lost or at least taken a secondary role in the lives of many parents in the last few generations – religion. Do your children see you taking them to church and Sunday School on Sunday mornings or do they see that sleeping in or that being out at the soccer/baseball/football field is more important?  Do they see you bowing your head in prayer at the dinner table or watching the evening news on TV? Have they ever even seen you lift a Bible, much less read from it? What are they learning about God and religion from watching you? Casper or Beetlejuice?

And what are your actions towards and reactions to other people who are not just like you?  Do they see and hear you being understanding, compassionate and friendly towards people who are of a different color or ethnic group or sexual orientation or do they hear racist or homophobic or ethnic slurs either shouted or under your breath? What do you think they are learning from that ghost? How will that impact their future. Casper or Beetlejuice?

You may be saying, “But, I didn’t choose to be in this role.” Yes, you did, wittingly or unwittingly. It is no longer “All about me”; it is now “All about we.”  Now, it’s time to grow up, show up and own up to your responsibilities. You are now in the spotlight and your performance is being judged and emulated. You are the ghost of your child’s future. Which will it be? Casper or Beetlejuice?

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Posted by Norm Werner

Lighten up and remember how to play…

July 6, 2021

Watching children play can bring back memories of when your life was as carefree and play came naturally. Two quotes that I had in my quote collect seemed to go together and cry out today for a blog post –

“It is a happy talent to know how to play.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

And

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw (I’ve used Shaw’s quote in this blog in the past.)

I’m not sure when most people stop taking time to just play, but I can remember people telling me, “Grow up. You’re too old to play.” How sad that we use “play shaming” to discourage children from playing. Somehow taking away that hallmark of childhood sems important to adults. Perhaps they just want to share their unhappiness at not being able to play anymore themselves.

So, somewhere along the way in life we lose that ability to just play – oblivious to the rest of the world and content in the fantasy land of our play.”  I think that may happen somewhere around middle school time, when recess turns from random fun on the playground to “organized activities” – how adult of us.

We were not competing when we played, just playing for the fun of it. Remember when “Who’s it?”, was more important than, “What was your score on that last hole?” Most of what we adults call play is just another competition, slightly different from work but something that we “work at” all the same. Even adult Dodge Ball is not the same playful game that we knew as kids. We forgot how to just play – without rules and competition, without winners and losers, without a plan other than to have fun.

Sometimes you might see an elderly person engaging in playful behavior (at least as much as they are able) with their grandchildren or just neighborhood kids. Many older people have decided that they have been taking life much too seriously and need to relearn how to let go and just play. They may say, “I don’t care what you think, I’m having fun.” They are playing again; sometimes, if only in their minds.

We can’t stop the progression of age, but we do not have to grow “old” if we can recapture the ability to play. So, lighten up, don’t be so serious all the time. Re-develop the happy talent that Emerson spoke of and relearn how to play.  You don’t have to be competing to play, there is no score kept when you play, just fun.

Come on. Let’s go out and play.

Now, “Who’s it?”

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Posted by Norm Werner

Wander your Wonders…

July 5, 2021

Travelocity has a new ad campaign out based on the theme “Wander wisely”. But how does one wander wisely through life? I suggest that you should “wander your wonders”.  Rather than wandering aimlessly through life, seize upon the things that you wonder about and use them as motivation and a guide.

Do you wonder what a specific place is like or even a whole country? Find out. Go there and wander about. Do you wonder if you would like a specific restaurant or maybe a food type? Go there to eat, or go to a restaurant that specializes in that type of food, and wander through the items on their menu. Do you wonder what someone that you just encountered is like? Find out. Engage them in conversation and wander through their mind.

Some may say that this is just another way to say, “Follow your dreams”, and I’m OK with that as a part of this. Dreams are just another form of wondering. The point may be that following up on thing that you wonder about is different than just wandering about aimlessly. You are learning as you wander when you pursue the answers to your wonders.

Perhaps life is nothing but a journey of wandering to answer our wonders. There are those who wander about for their whole life trying to answer their wonder about why they are here. They wonder about the meaning or purpose of their life? Other, less philosophical people, focus on the more mundane or routine issues of life like wondering how they will making a living and provide for their family.

We all wonder about things and many of us wander about through life.  So, why not put the two together and wander our wonders? I wonder why not?

Excuse me while I wander away thinking about that.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Getting back to “We”…

July 3, 2021

The 4th of July, 2021, is tomorrow as I write this and I am doing the final preparations for the parade that we will have again in Milford this year. Like almost everything else last year, we did not have a parade because of the pandemic. We almost didn’t have the parade again this year, because of continued COVID restrictions on gathering. Those restriction were lifted last month, but not before they had their impact upon this year’s parade, which will be smaller. People had already made alternate plans by the tie we were able to decide to go ahead with the parade.

I cannot place all of the blame for a smaller parade at COVID’s doorstep. The 4th of July parade, like most parades has been shrinking in size for years. Where once we would have 60-70 groups marching in the parade (especially in election years) we are now lucky to have 40+ groups. I think the reason is that as a country we have become more “Me” oriented and less “We” oriented. People don’t seem to have a strong sense of celebrating the “We” of America when they think of the 4th of July. Instead, they think of the “Me” things that they can do with that little time off.

This is a country birthed with a document that begins “We, to people…”, but is has evolved and changed into a country where the individual freedoms that came with that birth seems more important that the collective good of all of the people, and the celebration of that collective good on the 4th of July has been pushed into the background.

Pastor Freed, in his blog Jack’s Winning Words,  recently used this quote from Abraham Lincoln, who in the midst of the turmoil of his Presidency, said – “My dream is of a place and a time where America will once again be seen as the last best hope of earth.”  I believe that, for most who live elsewhere, America is still a beacon of hope and opportunity. That is certainly true of the people making the dangerous and desperate journey to our borders. We don’t see people lining up at the border to get into Russia or China.

So on this 4th of July, take a moment away from your “Me” thinking and consider all of the “We” things that we have to be thankful for – our freedoms, our blessings, our country. And maybe, resolve to become a part of the celebration of the “We” in our country and sign up to be in next year’s 4th of July parade.

I’ll save a spot for you in the Milford parade.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Leave your harbor behind…

July 2, 2021

A quote that I saved a while back inspired me this morning – “A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.”  – John A. Shedd

We are all “safe” if we let our fears prevent us from ever venturing out of the harbors that we create for ourselves. It is as if we become mimes, trapped in an imaginary glass box of our own making. It may be a place where we feel safe and comfortable, or a job into which we have settled. Perhaps your harbor involves relationships that feel safe for you. For some it is a location that they seldom venture far from. For most it involves the routines that we fall into and the habits that form over time. It is just easier and safer feeling to continue to do the same old things in the same old places with the same old people around us.

The routines of our lives become harbors that we don’t leave. But that feeling of safety comes at a price – our lives become constricted, and we don’t grow. We let our fear of things new or different set boundaries that we do not cross and prevent us from forming new relationships with people whom we fear to meet. Life can get pretty boring in the little harbors that we create for ourselves.

Another quote that I collected, this one the lyrics from the song “Let it Go” from the movie Frozen, provides inspiration to leave those safe harbors –

“And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through.”

The essence of Shedd’s quote is that ships were meant to sail the seas and not rest peacefully in harbors. Ships are built to withstand the seas – the tossing waves and blowing winds – just as we are “built” to withstand the tests that life through at us. It is up to us to overcome our fears, to test our limits and break through, by breaking out of our safe harbors.

Think a moment of your life and the routines that you have developed. Have you lived in the same place for 10-20 years or more? Do you always go to the same restaurants or stores? When was the last time that you met someone new or made a new friend? Have you even looked lately to see if another job might be a better fit for you? If you are single, when was the last time that you had a date or even tried to?

As you think about things like that and other things in your life that have become routines (safe harbors) ask yourself why. What is holding you back? What do you fear?  Is there really any basis for those fears?

You may reply, “But, I feel comfortable with my routines, why should I change anything?” The simple answer is that this was not what you were made for that is not the purpose of life. I like this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt – “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”

One cannot reach out for new experiences from within their safe harbor. You must leave the safety and comfort of the harbor of your routines and try new things, meet new people, have new experiences. Not to do so is not really to live your life. Perhaps you can pray for the courage to leave your harbor. Maybe knowing that you have God at your side will give you the courage to leave your harbor.

Let the words of Dawna Markova inspire you – “I will not die an unlived life…I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise” Maybe Markova could have said “to loosen my heart until it becomes a ship that sails out of the harbor.”

Leave your harbor behind today and reach out for new experiences do new things, go new places, meet new people.

Bon Voyage!

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Posted by Norm Werner

I’ve got to be me. You be you.

July 1, 2021

I get an email each day with quotes from various groups of people and on a variety of topics. I have no idea how I got on that email list, but it does occasionally provide some nice fodder for me to blog about. A recent email from that source contained a bunch of quotes from female entertainers that the email called Divas. A couple of them caught my eye because the message of their quotes is one that I have posted here about in the past – being yourself.

“Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” – Dolly Parton

“I didn’t need a role model. I didn’t need to try to be like someone else. I just needed to be me.” – Queen Latifah

There were a number of other Diva quotes that reinforced that theme.

One doesn’t have to be a Diva for this to be great advice. All too often we (especially the young) try to be like someone else, thinking that this is the secret to happiness or success. It is actually OK to try to emulate the best qualities of someone that you admire, but too often that is not the focus. Instead young people may just try to replicate the look or mannerisms  of their heroes or role models. They somehow believe that if they have a certain look or act in a certain way they will be more attractive or successful in life. Of course, that never works and instead of increasing their appeal to others it may actually be off-putting. Why? Because they aren’t being themselves. People want to get to know who you are, not who you are pretending to be.

It is much easier to say that from the vantage point of older age than it is when one is young. Growing up can be a confusing time and process. There are few people to turn to for advice or guidance. Parents come to mind, but many times parents are distracted by work or other commitments and don’t pay enough attention to the needs of their own children.  Think of how many times we hear in news story coverage of a tragedy involving a child we hear the parent say, “If only I had paid more attention and recognized the signs of my son/daughter’s depression.”

But, those are worst-caser scenarios. Most kids don’t get that down on themselves that they become depressed, but they do go through the process of “finding themselves” and becoming OK with who they are. That process can be confusing and frustrating for some and for a few it extends well into what is called adulthood. I’ve posted here a few times about loving yourself before you can love others. I think that happens when you come to grips with who you are and decide that it is OK to be you.

It is the step beyond just accepting yourself that Parton was alluding to – the “do it on purpose” step. I think that could be restated as “do it with a purpose.” The step beyond saying “this is who I am” is answering the question, “Now, what am I going to do with who I am?” One does not have to have a huge, lofty set of goals or purposes in life, but it is important to always be working to be better tomorrow than you are today – to be a better person, spouse, child, parent, worker, contributor in life than you are today. Why? Because becoming better each day increases your worth – your worth to yourself and to society. And we all strive to feel more worthy. You don’t increase your worth by trying to be someone else. You just waste your time.

The final Diva quote that I’ll use today is from Beyoncé –

“Don’t try to lessen yourself for the world; let the world catch up to you.”

Think about that for a while. I could label that quote, “Girl, get a little attitude.”

So, I’ll be me and you be you. Let’s both be the best “me” that we can be. Sounds like something Dr. Seuss might have written, doesn’t it?

That’s a worthy pursuit.

 

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Posted by Norm Werner

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