Just be there…

October 9, 2015

“Sometimes we need someone to be there.  Not to fix anything or do anything in particular, but just to let us feel that we are cared for and supported.”  (From a picture of Charlie and Snoopy) That little saying was forwarded to me by Pastor Jack Freed from Jack’s Winning Words. Jack is a big fan of the Peanuts cartoons, assnoopy and bird am I.

For me, today’s little saying conjures up memories of snuggling on the couch in from of a fire on a cold winter night. No words are needed and there is nothing wrong or needing fixing; however, just being there together makes us both feel that all is right with the world. There are just times when having your life mate at your side or in your arms provides a very warm feeling of completeness and contentment. I think that is what Charles Schultz was thinking about when he wrote that little saying in the Peanuts cartoon.

What memories do you have of those kinds of moments? For some it might involve memories of being cradled in our mother’s arms. For others it might be time spent with a nest friend or a loved one. Whatever the moment, cherish those feelings and save them to bring up again and again as needed, when things aren’t going as we would like.

caregiver handsSometimes we play the role of the person who is there to provide the feeling of comfort and safety. Cherish that also. It is one of the most important roles that you will have in life. Caring and supporting others, especially in moments of need is a privilege and an honor, which we should take seriously. There is vulnerability and trust on the part of the person that you are supporting that must be protected and honored. They have let you into their emotional inner-circle, which is a place that few probably get to see. Be kind. Be gentle. Be respectful. Be the person that they believe you to be and play your role, even if it is just sitting there in silence and holding them. Don’t try to fix everything , just be there for them.

Have a great and caring day.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Make the right choice today… smile

October 8, 2015

“You’ve got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you’re not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.”  – Steven D. Woodhull

Sometimes it’s hard to put a smile on your face right away in the morning, before you’ve even had your cup of coffee; but maybe you should keep these thoughts in mind – you woke up again and it’s a new day – both are better than the dumb blob guyalternatives, so smile. You’ll be surprised what a great, positive impact seeing a smiling face can have on people; even if it’s just you looking back at yourself in the mirror. Perhaps seeing yourself smile will conjure up all of the reasons and things that you have to smile about. That just reinforces the positive attitude that your smile belies.

Sometimes you may wake up a bit down, perhaps from some left-over problem from yesterday. A smile will still help and you should consider the words of Paul Ian Guillermo – “If you feel happy, smile with all your heart. if you’re down, smile with all your might.” Putting on a smiling face when you’re hurting or sad or frightened or angry is hard; but it is probably in those moments that forcing yourself to smile might help you the most. One positive impact is that people will be more likely to welcome you and converse with your if you are smiling. Many people try to avoid someone who is frowning out of anger or “down in the mouth” due to sadness.

A secondary effect of smiling is that it is not a natural things for most people, so it takes a bit of focus and work. That smiling dogeffort can take your mind a bit off whatever might have been troubling you or it can turn you ambivalence into a positive attitude.  Manoj Arora offers this little tidbit – “Be like a duck, paddling and working very hard under the water, but what everyone sees is a smiling and calm face.”

So, what choice will you make today and tomorrow? Start your days off right by choosing to get up with a smile. Don’t worry as much about “What’s in your wallet” as about what’s on your face. Let that be a smile.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Judge not…

October 2, 2015

“Instead of putting others in their place, try putting yourself in their place.”  (Amish Proverb) – a recent post on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

This little saying may sound like good advice, but it is only good advice for a reason that makes sense when you really think about it. There is an old saying that may make more sense – “Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins.”  The Walk a Mile in His Moccasins quote is often contributed to various Indian tribes, but it actually comes from a poem written by Mary T. Lathrap in 1895.

So, why does the advice in that poem ring truer that the Amish Proverb? The main reason is actually very logical. We cannot put ourselves in anyone else’s place. We cannot know how they got to where they are, what they have opinionatedexperienced in their lives or even what just proceeded the current moment.  If we try to put ourselves in their place the first thing that happens is that one is overwhelmed by a bunch of questions for which we have no answers. What happened to make them angry or fearful or remorseful or sad? What was it that we might have done or said that they reacted to and why? What were they on their way to do when this incident happened? What happened before this to put them in the frame of mind to react as they did? You just can’t answer those questions; and, because you can’t, you can’t put yourself in their place.

The other little piece of advice actually invites one to spend some time experiencing the things that this person has experienced, gaining the knowledge and insights that this person has and trying to come closer to the frame of mind that they might have been in before passing any judgement. Those are all good things and overall that is good advice; albeit also hard, if not impossible to implement inour daily lives.

Perhaps the best thig that can come out of the Amish Proverb is the realization and admission that you cannot put yourself in the other person’s place.  If you cannot understand why he/she may have reacted the way they did to something that you said or did, then why would you feel justified to render some judgement or to take some action. The act of “putting someone in their place” is really an attempt to put them into a place that you define, based upon your values and your reaction to the events leading up to your decision to act; to criticize or to correct. Perhaps
no judgementinstead of rushing to put someone else in their place you need to examine the place that you are currently occupying. You may not like what you see there.

My favorite Pope Francis quote is the one that he made in response to a question about his view of gay clergy – “Who am I to judge.” Indeed the same can be said about most of life’s situations in which we rush to judge others, their behavior, their looks or their lifestyle. Most of us are not willing to take the time to walk a mile in their moccasins just to try to gain insight into their lives; so, we should also reserve judgement and criticism. After all, who are we to judge?  Remember Mathew 7:1  – “Judge not, lest you be judged.”

At the end of the day, we may make better use of our energy making sure that we are in control of our own behavior, rather than worrying about trying to control the behavior of others. Have a great weekend.

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There’s a party goin’ on…Smile

September 30, 2015

“I might look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head I’m quite busy.”  (Spirit Science) – as seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

I can relate to that little saying, especially sometimes at night when I wake up and my mind takes off on its own. Does that ever happen to you?

I used to work for a technology company that had a corporate trainer who used this line to open his training sessions  – “To the world outside I may look calm and composed, but inside this body there’s a party going on”.  Hechild dancing was a great trainer who let some of that partying out in his sessions and made the learning experience fun. Is there a party going on inside of you? Do you let some of that out and share with others or just hold it all in?

Many people, and I count myself among them, have an exterior mien that masks their emotions. They have “at rest” facial expressions that either looks disinterested or maybe even angry. I always thought that House Speaker John Boehner looked unhappy whenever he was shown on TV, especially as he sat behind the President on State of Union speeches. Perhaps he was always unhappy then. How do you look when you’re not trying to smile or frown or make any face at all?  Most people would probably be surprised at how uninviting they look in their “at rest ” face.

There is a tendency in our society not to make eye contact or engage others and, in fact, to discourage engagement by others. We’re in too much of a hurry to get somewhere or do something to stop and talk to others, especially strangers.  These days much of our focus may be directed to the palm of our hand where our ubiquitous little friend, the smartphone, demands our attention. How ironic that we would rather check out what someone posted on Facebook than to spend actual face time with another person. There’s a party going on all around us inside the people that we pass, but we don’t join the fun because we make no effort to get invited in.

Perhaps the easiest way that we can invite people to join our party or to get invoited to join theirs is to make the effort to smile as we pass them. I like this little saying from Jarod Kintz – “Smiling is the way the soul says hello.”  So, smile and invite people to join smiling dogthe party that’s going on inside of you. You won’t be sorry that you did.

The thing about a smiling person is that, when you meet them, you have a reaction. You may wonder what the heck they are smiling about or you may wonder if they’re smiling because they see the jelly from this morning’s donut still clinging to your shirt. Perhaps their smile keys off some good feeling that you have inside and that brings a smile to your face, too. Maybe you can then pay it forward by smiling at someone else and helping make their day better.  “For a moment at least, be a smile on someone else’s face.”  ― Dejan Stojanovic

Invite others in to join the party that’s goin’ on inside of you. If you happen to be alone, take a moment to think of something that makes you smile and remember this little saying from Andy Rooney – “If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.” You’ll make your own day better.

Smile and have a great day.  ;^)

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Posted by Norm Werner

What do you want?

September 29, 2015

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear!” – Jack Canfield

Jack Canfield is an author and motivational speaker on the topics of personal and business development and success. Among Canfields book is the well know “Chicken Soup for the Soul” and “The Success Principles”. Like most motivational writers and speakers, Canfield focuses mainly upon helping people overcome the obstacles to success and getting the things that they want in life.

turtleMost of the advice from motivational speakers might double as half-time speeches from sports coaches. They tend to focus upon techniques like visualizing, planning, prioritizing, perseverance and being accountable, which are all good things. The fear that Canfield speaks of is usually self-inflicted and grows out of uncertainty or doubt. We tend to fear the unknown and the uncertain outcome. We have doubts about our own abilities or worth that hold us back. Motivational speakers like Canfield promote seemingly simple and logical approaches to overcoming those fears and doubts.

The message of these speakers is aimed at helping people achieve things in life, like getting ahead at work, or to get what they want in life, which is normally defined in material terms – the bigger house, the better car, the exotic vacation, and the best schools for their children. In sports it is always about winning the championship, whatever that is. It is about defining a goal in terms of achieving or acquiring.

There is a whole different cadre of speakers who focus more on what might be called the spiritual side of life. These girls huggingspeakers focus upon maintaining a balance in life between the work life and the goals and rewards of that and the interpersonal side of life – your relationships with those with whom you share your life. Sometimes, especially when one is younger, this side of things takes a back seat to the focus on accomplishments and material achievements. This focus on things other than the material often stays buried in our priorities until we have reached many of the goals that were driving us and realize that we have still not achieved the happiness that we thought would come with them. We may then start paying attention to the messages of the speakers who urge us to take time for ourselves and to spend quality time with those we love.

Sometimes, after we have achieved some level of balance in our lives, we also re-discover a faith that was also suppressed by our focus upon success and accumulating possessions. As we slow down a bit and start really thinking about the lives that we are living and what is really important to us, we may find that reconnecting to the message of faith is something that we want, maybe even something that we need. We may discovery that there is a hole in our lives, a need that no amount of things can fill and a role that none of our loved ones can play. When you come to that point in your life, I would offer a single line answer that is similar to Canfield’s. For, if as Canfield has advised; praying“Everything you want is on the other side of fear”, I would advise that-

“Everything you need is on the other side of prayer.”

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Posted by Norm Werner

What will you do with what you’ve been given?

September 28, 2015

My wife saw this poem in a recent Dear Abby column and cut it out to save. In its spare verse it manages to capturecampfire and sum up most of what is wrong in the world today, or at least what is wrong with many people. Read it and then think what you would have done, had you been sitting around that fire. Do any of these reactions from people around the fire sound like you?

 The Cold Within

Six humans trapped by happenstance

In bleak and bitter cold.

Each one possessed a stick of wood

Or so the story’s told.

Their dying fire in need of logs

The first man held his back

For of the faces round the fire

He noticed one was black.

The next man looking ‘cross the way

Saw one not of his church

And couldn’t bring himself to give

The fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes.

He gave his coat a hitch.

Why should his log be put to use

To warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought

Of the wealth he had in store

And how to keep what he had earned

From the lazy shiftless poor.

The black man’s face bespoke revenge

As the fire passed from his sight.

For all he saw in his stick of wood

Was a chance to spite the white.

The last man of this forlorn group

Did nought except for gain.

Giving only to those who gave

Was how he played the game.

Their logs held tight in death’s still hands

Was proof of human sin.

They didn’t die from the cold without

They died from the cold within.

– James Patrick Kinney

While the examples may seem a bit simplistic and extreme they echo the preconceived notions and prejudices that drive many of our day to day decisions, especially those concerning the needs of others that we encounter. In each case a judgement is made on the fly. I like the statement made by Pope Francis recently when asked about people who are living a different lifestyle. He simply said, “Who am I to judge?”

The log that each possessed is a metaphor for the gifts that each of us has to share with the world around us. The givingopportunities to help or to share are all around us and many go unmet for reasons as simplistic as those explored in the poem. What will you do this week with the gifts that you have been given? Please don’t die from the cold within. Give, share, help and feel the warmth that comes with caring and having made the effort to help.

Have a great and giving week ahead.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Help is just a simple prayer away…

September 23, 2015

“I felt that if life were to throw me one more ball to juggle, the whole circus tent would come crashing down.”  (Teri McDowell) As seen recently on the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

juggling problemsDo you ever feel like life is just handing you too much to juggle? Have you said to yourself that if you get one more thing on your plate you’ll just crack or crumble? Do you feel sometimes like you’re surrounded by problems and see no way out?

Life can seem to get like that sometimes. Perhaps one of the biggest contributors to those feelings is the fact that many of us try to face problems with the attitude that we can handle all of life’s problems ourselves; that we don’t need any help. Others may take the role of victim in any situation; lamenting “Why me?” Neither of those approaches is headed in the right direction and both can end up leading you into despair or worse – depression.

painted into cornerWhen one is in the midst of juggling a seemingly impossible load of problems it is sometimes hard to see the best way out or any way out, for that matter. Sometimes we make things worse by painting ourselves into a corner from which we can see no way out. Many times the thing that gets into trouble in the first place and causes us to make things worse is our own ego, our belief that we can control things, make things right or somehow work things out by ourselves.

There was good advice in a Beetles song called Let It Be –

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

And in my hour of darkness

She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

One doesn’t have to be a Catholic or even turn to the Virgin Mary in order to turn to God for help in times of crisishand reaching for heaven or overload. The words in the Beetles song are just another way of saying something that I’ve written about here a few times now – turning to God in prayer and saying “Not my will but thy will be done.”

Offloading your problems onto God and trusting Him to help you find your way through the maze that your life may have become is not giving up; it is not quitting; it is not admitting defeat; it is accepting the fact that you are not in control and trusting the One who is. It is our own egos that get us into most messes; our misplaced belief that we can control things, can solve all problems, can overcome all difficulties or bear any pain. We are told to keep a stiff upper lip; to put on our big-girl panties; bend but never break; and on and on; when what we really need to be reminded of is Proverbs 3:5-6 –

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

6 In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths.

The first step towards trusting in the Lord is uttering those words – “Not my will, but thy will be done.” Try it. I think you’ll like the results.

Have a great, stress-free day!

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Posted by Norm Werner

Give it some time…

September 18, 2015

From a recent post on the  Jack’s Winning Words blog comes this interesting little quote – “Sometimes when things are falling apart, they may be actually falling into place.”  (Spirit Science) Jack went on to advise that we all let things play out and give them time, because most of the time things work out if you give them time to.

panicHow many of us know a drama queen or king for who every problem is a crisis, every rejection the end of the world and every setback seems to be the end of life as they know it? It’s easy when in the midst of bad things happening to see everything as disastrous or threatening. The world that you were comfortable inhabiting can seem to be falling apart. It is hard to see any good coming out of something that you believe is bad.

Things can fall apart in the business world, too. Sometimes it’s best if they do. There is a concept called creative destruction in which the old order is systematically destroyed to make way for a new way of doing things. That may involve blowing up an old organizational structure in order to put in place a new organization that is better suited to deal with the markets of today. It could even mean getting rid of the very products that got the company to where it is now, because it is obvious that they cannot carry it into the future.

I suppose in our personal lives the act of divorce is a form of creative destruction, since it clears the way for new unions that might serve both parties better. It’s certainly a case of things falling apart that quite often lead to things falling into place for both ex-‘s. If there are children involved it is hard on them, but most times works out for the surrounded by sharksbetter in the long run for them, too.

I suspect that the main thing that we dread when things seem to be falling apart is that we aren’t in control; or, we don’t seem to be anyway. That’s because we focus on things that never were within our control instead of the one thing that we always have control over – our reactions to events. We tend to look for someone to blame for the things that we can’t control and failing that we blame ourselves for not seeing the disaster coming and doing something to avoid it – again something that we likely had no control over.

Instead of spending a lot of time and emotional energy fretting about why things have happened or wondering why you couldn’t or didn’t avoid it, maybe you should focus on helping things fall into place by figuring out how to make the best of the situation that you find yourself in. The destructive phase has already occurred, so maybe it’s painted into cornertime to focus on the creative part of the process. The old is gone, no matter what or who it was; focus now on the future – making the best of what or who is next in your life. It’s only when you can let go of the old that you can embrace the new and get on with life.

Sometimes taking a moment to reflect on past disasters from the perspective of time will help you realize that you lived through them and you will live through the current one, too. Sure it may have hurt for a while – all of life’s boo-boo’s do – but eventually the pain subsidies and is replaced by new joys. For those who turn to their faith in times of crisis, there is helpful guidance in the Bible –

2 Corinthians 4: 17-18 “For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long.  Yet they produce for us a prayingglory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.”

For all of us, there is ample proof all around us that the crises that we hit in day-to-day life do not mean that things are falling apart. They are changing. You are changing. Give it some time and things will fall into place, albeit a new place. Things will be different but you will still be here. Be creative with the new you that will result. Have a great new day.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Tell me where to get more wax…

September 16, 2015

“Don’t tell me not to burn the candle at both ends…tell me where to get more wax” – recent Frank and Ernest cartoon

burning both endsI love the daily newspaper cartoons and increasingly find that I can identify with a few of them, like Frank and Ernest or perhaps Pluggers. Today’s little quote came from the Frank and Ernest cartoon in one of our local papers. I suspect that many of us share the feeling every now and then that we are burning the candle at both ends and need to find more wax. Time seems to be increasingly fleeting as I age. Perhaps that is because I have shortened the day a bit to get to bed earlier; but I think it is also that the pace of life has quickened, though without any particular cause that I can discern. Tell me where to get more wax.

I have the suspicion that one major culprit in the seeming loss of time is the demanding little thief in my hand (or pocket) – my smart phone. If the candle wasn’t burning at the other end before, it certainly was ignited by the constant need to feel connected and to react in real-time to the happenings, messages and information that isphone with msg there on my phone. Sneaking a peak at the phone to see if there are new messages or emails is a national pass time. In fact the ringing and buzzing usually are occurring all around us, no matter where we are. Even in times of relative inactivity, we have become so used to the constant demands of our phones that “phantom buzzing” has become a shared phenomenon for many.

We have reached the point where it seems no event is too important not to be interrupted to answer our phones – weddings, funerals, whatever, give way to the demands of the phone for attention.  So, that is certainly one way in which we are burning the candle at both ends. Tell me where to get more wax.

Another issue demanding of our time and attention is the fact that so many are now forced working harder or longer or at multiple jobs just to make ends meet. Many young couples don’t have the time or energy to have working against timechildren because both are working one or two jobs, just trying to pay the bills. Quite a few of these younger couples would also like to have their own homes, but the crushing debt of college loans prevents them from even considering it. Tell me where to get more wax.

For many, in what should be the prime of their lives, the lure of having it all has put them in another debit-ridden hole. The big house, the country club membership, the new cars, the latest technologies and paying for the children that they finally had mean that they too must burn the candle at both ends – working extra late or on weekends, traveling often or perhaps just trying to be the perfect parents by getting their kids involved in all of the sports and activities that are trendy or expected. Soccer (or baseball) moms and dads give way to hockey (or basketball) or perhaps dance or gymnastics in a never ending effort to give their children what they never had. In reality, whatwomen looking at watch the children often want is the time with their parents without planned activities – something that they promise themselves they will give to their children. Tell me where to get more wax.

What is the answer to this dilemma? I think it is more about learning how to deal with life than trying to slow life down or seeking more wax for the candle. It is about learning to have a sense of satisfaction with what you have, rather than spending all of your time and energy chasing what you don’t have. It is about understanding and accepting that you really can’t change anything except how you react to everything. It is about getting your priorities straight and pursuing them instead of the attractive distractions that beckon from just beyond our reach. For many of us that begins with having a solid foundation of faith upon which to build our lives. If you have that, you will no longer be saying tell hand reaching for heavenme where to get more wax; but rather will find joy and satisfaction from making the best use of the wax that God has given you. In the end your earthly candle will always burn out; but, your light need never be extinguished; it will just move to a new place; one where there is no darkness and endless wax.

So, slow down, take the time to get right with God and then burn happily the wax that you have been given, secure in the understanding that you don’t need more wax; you just need to make the best use of the wax that you have. Have a great and bright day!

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Posted by Norm Werner

The truth – it ain’t goin’ away…

September 15, 2015

 “Truth is like the sun.  You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t goin’ away.”  (Elvis Presley) As seen on the Jack’s Winning Words blog recently.

ElvisOne seldom thinks of Elvis as a philosopher, but before he became a rock star he had a life with deep roots in religion and faith, which served him well on occasion, later in his life. He may have wandered away from some of the principles of his upbringing every now and then, but they were still there in the background. One’s principles are the foundation for life and like the truth – it ain’t goin’ away

Another saying that I saw on Jack’s blog some time back also came to mind what I saw the Elvis quote –

“It takes a great many shovels to bury the truth.”  (German Proverb)

The truth, like hope, is a hard thing to extinguish or hide. Faith is another thing in life that one can cling to.  Sometimes it is difficult to distinguish the truth amidst the calliope of claims made that are based upon misinformation or prejudice or hate; but the truth is still there somewhere. The truth never really hides and never tries to deceive. It may be temporarily obscured by those who seek to deceive or to hide the truth for their own gain; but, it ain’t goin’ away.

It’s interesting, and somewhat telling about our society, that when people are sworn in to testify at trials they areswearing in ask to swear that they are going to “tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”  I guess that is necessary because some might only tell parts of the truth – the parts that are favorable to them – or they may add to the truth falsehoods that seek to modify or nullify the truth. Do you ever leave out part of the truth because the whole truth might not be pleasant or cold be hurtful? Maybe you embellish the truth in such a way as to soften it or perhaps even modify it? You might shut it out for a while or seek to bury it; but, as Elvis said, it ain’t goin’ away.

I recall a very dramatic line near the end of the trial in the movie A Few Good Men in which Jack Nicholson yells at Tom Cruise, “You can’t handle the truth!” Can you handle the truth? Would you rather that someone lied to you? Is ignoring the truth more convenient for you? Have you built a wall between yourself and the truth to avoid the pain or just to not have to deal with it? It ain’t goin’ away.

Accepting the truth in your life is not in any way accepting defeat, even if the truth is ugly or painful or even hurtful. Being optimistic rather than pessimistic in life is not trying to hide or modify the truth, it is just a way of dealing with it. So, don’t run away or try to hide from the truth. Don’t deny the truth. Don’t try to obscure or modify the truth. Accept it, deal with it and get on with life. You don’t have enough time or energy or shovels to bury the truth and surely it ain’t goin’ away.

Maybe the only truth that you need to really accept is found in John 14:6 – “I am the way, the truth and the life.” For sure, that is one truth that ain’t goin’ away.

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