Whose expectations are you trying to meet?

December 26, 2023

As I get older, some things that used to be important to me have lost that sense of importance, especially as it related to the use of my time. And, when I take the time to really think about it, many of those things were things that I was doing not so much because I really wanted to as it was that I thought someone else expected me to. I was letting what I perceived to be their expectations of me dictate the direction of my life.

Don’t get me wrong. I do believe that some level of recognition and acceptance of the expectations of others is required for an orderly society. The alternative is chaos. We all accept and obey the laws and expectations of society to some level. Those who choose to deviate from those expectations may be classified as criminals or perhaps as inventive genius’ or entrepreneurs. They are meeting their own expectations.

One does not have to be a criminal or a genius to focus upon their own expectations. I could use the words hopes and dreams in place of the word expectations. The point is understanding what is driving your behavior – what you want or what someone else wants?

When we are young, we may not really have a clear or firm vision of where we would like to go in life, so we “go with the flow” and let the expectations of others (parents, teachers, fiends) dictate our direction. At some point in life our own expectations gel and we seem to know what we want and take steps to get achieve those goals/ambitions/expectations.

By the time that one achieves that level of clarity about their personal expectations, they may be so locked into the roles that others expect of them that they cannot see any way to pursue their own goals. They may be married and have children. They may be deeply committed to some profession. That doesn’t mean that they can’t still pursue their dream, just that it will be harder and more complicated to do so.

If all of this makes pursuing your own expectations seem like a self-centered or selfish way to live there is some truth to that, but it is not necessarily something to be ashamed of. Shakespeare said in his play Hamlet, “To thine own self be true”. Acknowledging and pursuing your own hopes, dreams, and expectations is just being true to yourself.

If you have that nagging feeling at the end of each week that you ae not happy, even though you may be meeting the expectations of others in your role as employee, spouse or parent, take the time to think about what it is that you really want to be doing – what your hopes and dreams and expectations are in life. At least acknowledge that you have expectations of your own and that achieving them is also important in your life.

Once you get that clear, you can start thinking about how you might achieve those goals without completely disrupting your current life. Those new expectations can co-exist with the expectations that you are already locked into meeting. Talk with your spouse about what you want to do and seek their support for your effort. Start making small progress steps towards those new goals – maybe a college-level class or some introductory instruction on a needed skill.

Perhaps the “down time” between Christmas and New Year’s Eve provides a good opportunity to stop and think about whose expectations you are meeting in your daily life and to rediscover your own hopes and dreams. Perhaps you can set a few expectations for yourself based upon them. Your New Year’s Resolutions can then include meeting a few of your own expectations.

Have a great New Year of meeting your own expectations.

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Posted by Norm Werner

Don’t put away everything…

December 18, 2023

The Best of Jack’s Winning Words 12/18/23 – a reprise of a post made by the late Pastor Jack Freed.
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in the department store, and he asked me for my autograph.” (Shirley Temple Black) The Bible says, “When I was a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put away childish things.” I loved believing in Santa, but, as an adult, I appreciate knowing about the “real” St. Nicholas who went around giving gifts of food, clothing and firewood to the poor. In this time of Christmas, let’s remember St. Nicholas. He wasn’t make-believe. 😉  Jack
 
Originally sent December 23, 2020.

Our society embraces the concept of “growing up” and putting away childish things – perhaps too much. I like the words of George Bernard Shaw, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”

It is the need to constantly be serious and “adult” about everything that causes us not only to grow old but to suffer the mental condition we call depression. The inability to stop being serious and just play is oppressive. Our reluctance to see and acknowledge the absurdities in life and our self-imposed restriction of our sense of humor can create a very rigid and dour individual. We need to let the child in us out to play again.

“We are never more fully alive, more completely ourselves, or more deeply engrossed in anything than when we are playing.” -Charles Schaefer.

Watching young children play, one is treated to the sense of wonderment and pure fun that all too quickly is replaced as we grow up by the need to compete with others. Very young children don’t often play “us verses them” games; they just play “us having fun” games. We need to revisit that realm as adults. It is the introduction somewhere along the path of “growing up” that of the concept of “keeping score” is introduced and the games that we play are never the same again.

 “The opposite of play is not work. It’s depression.” Brian Sutton-Smith

Even in what we call our recreational time, the games that we play as adults all seem to have some way of keeping score and that leads to comparing ourselves against others. Once those comparisons start, it is all to easy to become obsessed with “beating the scores of others. We can’t just be happy to play by ourselves, we have to be better, smarter, prettier than someone else. Our games become zero sum where someone must lose in order for us to win. We have lost the ability to play like a child and that is not good. Perhaps the problem is that we become captives of the games we play.

“Take someone who doesn’t keep score, who’s not looking to be richer, or afraid of losing, who has not the slightest interest even in his own personality: he’s free.” — Rumi

So, don’t put away all things from your childhood. Free yourself to play again like you did as a child. Sing and dance like nobody’s looking. And don’t worry about the need to work., That will take care of itself.

“This is the real secret of life — to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play.” – Alan Watts

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Posted by Norm Werner

Look for God’s beacon…

December 11, 2023

The Best of Jack’s Winning Words 12/11/23 – posts made to his blog by the late Pastor Jack Freed, now being reposted by his son.

“A candle of God’s goodness can serve as a beacon of hope for those navigating dark passages of their lives.” (Hanukkah Quote) One thing that Hanukkah and Christmas have in common is a message of HOPE. God’s goodness is always with us…told by the menorah’s nine candles, or the one Christmas Star. As we traipse the dark passages of life, let’s not forget that God is with us. In the darkest hours, seen or unseen, our Hope is that God goes with us. 😉  Jack 
 
Originally sent December 10, 2020.

We may think of those going through dark times in their lives and hope that God is with them; however, there are quite often others with them that we seldom stop to think about. They are the ones who

provide support and comfort to those involved in life’s darker moments.. They are the first responders who arrive at scenes of chaos, accidents, tragedies or pain and loss They include the healthcare workers who are involved at the hospitals or those who must visit the homes or bedsides to offer support or condolences.  We do not spend much time thinking about the impact on their lives made by the things they must deal with daily, yet that impact can be profound. Those are dark passages.

 When you really stop to think about it, it’s not hard to understand why these people may be impacted. They are, after all, people who care enough to want to help and they are often involved in an extremely hard time for those they are helping. Some of the pain, sadness, anguish or sorrow cannot help but rub off on them, too. Their empathy is a conduit for sharing those feelings and it is impossible for it not to have an impact. Those are dark passages.

I certainly include in this group the priests and pastors who try to bring spiritual strength to people in situations when it an seems like God has abandoned them. How terribly difficult it must be to assure the parents or loved one’s of the victims of a mass shooting that God is with them. How hard it must be after the loss of a spouse to try to comfort and reassure the grieving survivor. How it must tear at the soul of even the most devout to preside over the funeral of a young life cut short by drugs or violence or suicide. Those are dark passages.

Yet, through all of our dark passages, if we but turn to God, his goodness will shine as a beacon and the light will show us the way out of the darkness. Seeking God’s help doesn’t have to be something elaborate, just something sincere. In my personal times of darkness, I have turned to the simple prayer, “Not my will, but thy will be done.” Try it and let God’s beacon of hope show you the way out of those dark passages.

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Posted by Norm Werner

What will you deliver?

December 4, 2023

The Best of Jack’s Winning Words – reprises of post made by the late Pastor Jack Freed
“Remember that at the end of the day, it’s not what you say or do, but how you make people feel that matters the most.” (Tony Hsieh – Former CEO of Zappos) Tony was a multi-millionaire businessman who died tragically in a house fire at age 46. He was living proof that you could be successful and a good human being, too. His business mantra was, “I want to deliver happiness.” It’s a good mantra for any of us as we go through life. 😉 Jack
 
Originally sent December 9, 2020.

Whether we are aware of it or not, every encounter with someone else makes some kind of impression and affects their day in some way. We aren’t aware of it. We don’t think about it. Maybe we don’t care about it. But maybe we should. What will you deliver?

Very few people ae aware of what their normal, “at rest” mien looks like, or maybe even what the word mien means –

 Mien – noun

  1. a person’s look or manner, especially one of a particular kind indicating their character or mood.

Our “at rest” mien is the look that the world sees when we really aren’t trying to give any look at all. Most of the time we walk around with our at rest mien on our faces. What we don’t realize is that this look might convey to others that we are unhappy or sad or maybe even mad. A face at rest tends to droop and may even droop into a frown. The people that you encounter aren’t aware that you may be completely neutral in your feelings; they just see a frown on your face assume that you ae unhappy or having a bad day. You are not delivering happiness. Quite the opposite. What will you deliver?

So, what is one to do? It is hard to keep a smile on your face all the time. Perhaps, instead, if you adopt the attitude that every encounter is an opportunity to give and to receive happiness your mien will automatically adjust to the situation. What will you deliver?

Start by deciding to give the happiness of a smile and a greeting to everyone that you meet. Greeting someone that you don’t even know shows them that you are interested in them and friendly. A greeting made to someone almost always gets a response and that exchange alone can cause a smile or pleasant look to come to your face, too. What will you deliver?

Resolve this morning to go through the day more aware of the encounters with others that will occur and more conscious of what they will see and experience from you because of those encounters. Try to imagine the impact that meeting your will have on them and their day. Did they pass by a grumpy old man (or woman) who did not acknowledge them, or did they encounter a friendly, smiling person who greeted them and made their day a little better? What will you deliver today?

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Posted by Norm Werner