Why is it so hard to ask for help?

February 15, 2014

painted into cornerIt occurs to me that as a society we have painted ourselves into a corner on one thing in particular and that is asking for help.

From early childhood we are taught to be self-reliant and to keep a “stiff upper lip”. We are told that big boys and girls don’t cry, they shake it off and go on, they get back in the game, they never give up. Whether it be in sports, in school or life in general those stereotypical images are reinforced in our youth until they become dogma.

But they are not true. We are not always able to shake it off and go on. Sometimes the issues that we are facing are so large or so confusing or so scary that we need help.

Needing help doesn’t make you weak, in fact quite the opposite. It makes you strong, smart, resourceful, and realistic. Being prideful is a weakness. Asking for help when you know you’re in over your head is STRENGTH. Don’t ever forget that! – unknown quotes

Sometimes the help we need is not deeply emotional or scary, it’s just something that we can’t figure out how to do; maybe it’s taking on a new challenge that we have never faced at work or trying a completely new sport or job. What we need then is wisdom. Ben Franklin said this –

“Man can either buy wisdom or borrow it. By buying it he pays full price in personal time and treasure, but by borrowing it he capitalizes on the lessons learned from the failures of others.”

The way one borrows wisdom is sometimes to ask for help from someone who has already been through what we are facing. Sometimes it is just enough that we know someone who has done it and obviously it didn’t kill them. Maybe they can help you overcome whatever fears might be holding you back about it and let you get on with trying. Ask for their help. People usually love talking about things that they have succeeded at or obstacles that they have overcome.

Sometimes the corners that we paint ourselves into are caused by the thought that we are the only ones who have ever experienced what we are going through, that we are alone with this issue or problem. This is an age-old feeling and was dealt with in the Bible in Ecclesiastes 1:9

Whatever has happened, will happen again; whatever has been done, will be done again. There is nothing new on earth. (This is the International Standard Version, which is just easier to read and understand)

The fact is that you are not the only one who has ever experienced a loss or experienced a set-back of faced a fearful situation; and you are only alone with your torment or sorrow or hurt if you choose to be. Help is all around you if you will ask for it. But, no; we try to tough it out; to keep a stiff upper lip; not to cry. We sit in a corner that we have painted ourselves into.

Show the STRENGTH to reach out and seek help. You will immediately feel better, just for having done that. That is the first step to healing or fixing the problem. The decision to take that first step is yours alone, but you need not be alone again, once you have stepped off.

The fact is that big girls and big boys do cry and it makes them feel a lot better for having done so. But after a good cry, wipe away the tears and take that first step out of the corner – ask for help.

“Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.”  (Brian Littrell)

One thing I have noted in the blog-o-sphere is the huge number of blogs that are devoted to the journeyedge of the abyssback from the edge by people who faced the abyss and got help to back away. That is an interesting side-effect of getting help and getting out of the corner. Once you have received help to overcome your issues, you want to help others overcome their similar issues by at least sharing the story of your journey. The blog-o-sphere can be like a giant group hug sometimes.

So, Keep Calm and Chive On!

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Posted by Norm Werner

Listen for the cry for help that is unspoken…

February 14, 2014

“There’s always a little truth behind ‘just kidding,’ a little emotion behind ‘I don’t care,’ a little pain behind ‘I’m OK,’ a little need behind ‘Leave me alone.’”  (Truth Quotes), which I picked up at the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

Wow, is that little saying powerful! We all tend to hide behind words like “just kidding” or “I’m OK” or “Leave me alone”, when we should be asking for help or at least letting those who are trying to help into our lives. Why is that? I suppose it all comes down to trust and letting your defenses down enough so that someone can understand the pain or the loneliness or the sorrow that you are feeling and offer their help.

dispairA key thing to understand is that most people really do want to help, but you may be so effective at masking your pain or blocking out everyone that they can’t get through your defenses to be able to help. Now, I’m not suggesting that you walk up to a perfect stranger and begin pouring your heart out about your issues or problems; but, we all have someone or a few people that we know well enough to share a problem and ask for help. Many times that is a family member, but it could just be a best friend from school or work or maybe a pastor or minister.

That last group – clergymen – is full of people who are usually both well trained and experienced at listening to people’s problems and finding ways to suggest fixes or at least to offer comfort. It’s true that they will probably give you advice that includes getting back in touch with your own religious beliefs; but those beliefs are really the foundation from which you can find the strength to make it through anything.

So, the next time you hear phrases like “just kidding” or “Leave me alone” or “Really, I don’t care”; little red flags should go up in your mind and your goal should be to understand “How can I help this person?”. Sometimes it is not just a defense mechanism on their part; sometimes it indicates that they are still in denial about whatever it was that they are claiming just doesn’t matter. Whether it’s a defensive move or they are still in denial, the first step to helping them is always to get them to talk about it with you.

Many times what they relate to you may bring up a memory of a similar incident in your life that you can usecatch a falling shild with them to show them how you dealt with it and how they might approach the problem and you did. Sometimes what they lay out may just have you saying, “Wow, I can’t even begin to understand what you must be going through.” Those are probably issues or problems that need the help of trained professionals or clergy and your help will be to try to get them to visit with someone like that that can help. That is especially true if what you are hearing sounds like a person contemplating suicide. There are trained people manning hotlines to help with that and you should try to hook them up with someone like that, rather than try to talk them off the ledge yourself. It might help if you volunteer to go with them or to make the call with them, but you should not try to act as if you are a suicide counselor.

For other issues there are also community-based programs that offer help to troubled youth or youth from troubled homes. In Oakland County, Michigan, those programs operate under the umbrella of the Youth Assistance Program. I recently wrote about a fund raising event for YA in our community on this blog. Click here to read that post, which also explained some of what the program offers.

elderly womanMany times, at the opposite end of life’s journey, it is the elderly that need someone to share some time with. They may be lonely or feel trapped in their homes because of failing health or safety concerns. Taking the time to stop by, “just to see how you’re dong” can make their day. Unlike youth, these are also people who are full of fascinating life stories sometimes gathered over impressive spans of time. They may also surprise you with their insights into issues in your life and perhaps shine a light of perspective on them that you have not seen before. In most cases, you’ll be surprised how sharp and alert those old folks are. For most of us the body starts giving out to age, but the mind never really ages.

So, keep an ear open for the catch-phrases that are really calls for help and be ready to respond. You might even listen for them in your own life; and, if you hear them, ask yourself – “What am I denying? Who can I go to for help?”

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Posted by Norm Werner

Take a Taste of the Valley and support the Youth Assistance Program

February 9, 2014

We are a country that believes that our future lies in the hands of our youth and that our youth are to be nurtured and allowed to develop, so that they can be ready for that future. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 – 1945) said it best when he said, “We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.”

YA logoOne of the lesser-known, but quite successful programs in Oakland County is the Youth Assistance Program (YA) – a community-based program whose mission is to strengthen youth and families and to prevent and reduce delinquency, neglect, and abuse through community involvement.

Youth Assistance programs are community-based, and developed by volunteers who live and/or work in the communities in which they serve. The Circuit Court provides the professional staff to work with the volunteers and to provide direct casework services. Each local Youth Assistance program operates under the sponsorship and financial support of its local school district, the municipalities therein and the Probate Court/Circuit Court-Family Division. Additional funding is obtained through grants, donations, and local fund-raising efforts.

Youth Assistance provides free, confidential, short- term, family-centered counseling and referral services for young people, 17 years of age or younger and their families, who live or attend school in Oakland County. Referrals are accepted from schools, police, neighbors, and parents themselves with concerns about their child. The Family Division’s Intake Unit diverts cases when, in their judgment, Youth Assistance services are most appropriate. Typical reasons for referral include retail fraud, school and home problems, assault, alcohol and other drug abuse, and violations of local ordinances.

The Huron Valley School District, in partnership with the Courts and the Townships of Milford andmentoring Highland runs the Huron Valley Youth Assistance Program. The YA program includes things like family education aimed at improving communications between youth and their parents, mentoring where in adult volunteers are match with youth who may need guidance and companionship, tutoring, after-school activities and recreation, camping and community services projects. For the Huron Valley Youth Assistance Program the annual Taste of the Valley fundraiser is a key to providing the funds necessary to let the volunteers do the work that needs to be done with the youth.

This year the Taste of the Valley is being held on Thursday, February 27, 2014 from 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm at  Baker’s of Milford  on S. Milford Road, Milford. The event features Cuisine Samples from the Area’s Finest Restaurants, a Raffle and Auction for donated items.

Taste of the Valley Tickets are available for $20.00 pre-sale and $25.00 at door. A Cash bar will also be available.

Tickets may be purchased at:

Highland Township Offices – 205 N. Jon St, Highland, MI 48357

Milford Township Offices – 1100 Atlantic St, Milford, MI 48381

Huron Valley Youth Assistance, Duck Lake Center – 5061 North Duck Lake Rd., Highland, MI 48356

For additional information please call: 248-676-8499

You may view the event poster by clicking here.

So, come on out on Feb 27 and meet some of the people who make this program work for the youth of the Huron Valley. My wife and I went last year and plan to be there this year, too. We met many of the dedicated YA volunteers, as well as some of the youth that have been helped by the program. You’ll be glad that you attended.

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Posted by Norm Werner

A spoonful of encouragement is powerful medicine…

February 6, 2014

“Correction does much, but encouragement does more.”  (Goethe) – from the Jack’s Winning Words blog.

As adults and parents we all sometimes forget how it felt as a child when you got correction and when you got encouragement. We tend to focus more on the correction side of things, sometimes just because it is expedient.

Ben Franklin had a saying that seems apropos here – “Tell me, and I forget.  Teach me, and I remember.  Involve me, and I learn.” You can add, Encourage me and I feel good about doing it.

helping handThink about how you interact with others at home, at work or at play. Do you find ways to encourage them or do you tend to focus upon correcting others. Just your approach to correction can be dramatically more effective, if you choose to encourage a different way of doing something rather than just criticizing the current way that you have seen from the person.

Correction is often rendered right after the person receiving it has done something or tried to do something. The key is that they tried and that is too often forgotten in the rush to correct.

Maybe what they ended up doing wasn’t exactly right to achieve whatever goal they were trying to reachfans or task that they were trying to get done. If your inclination is just to correct them, to tell them what they did wrong and perhaps explain the correct way to do it; I suppose that is better than nothing. But, maybe you could find a way to praise them for trying and encourage them to try again; perhaps with some changes that you can share with them, based upon your experiences, and certainly with your encouragement. There is a difference and it will make a difference in how they accept and use your advice. Try it some time.

Finally, here is a little saying that I thought would be an appropriate ending for today’s thoughts – “The tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body; use yours to lift someone up today.” ― Terri Ann Armstrong

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Posted by Norm Werner

Are you a multitasker?

February 5, 2014

“Multitasking is an illusion,” Arianna Huffington said in a recent speech about human capital and taking care of oneself. “You do neither well. It is actually task switching, which means we don’t get anything done and we don’t give anything 100 percent.”

multitaskerI believe that Arianna hit the nail on the head in this saying. I hear all the time about people multitasking and I’ve even consciously tried to multi-task a few times and came to the same conclusion. It’s not that one can’t have some background music going on or be inadvertently doing more than one thing at a time, it’s really about the fact that we all focus on only one thing at a time, so we are really doing rapid task switching when we think we are multi-tasking.

Once we task switch, it takes an instant for the brain to catch up on the context of where we left off and what might have changed since then,. The brain is saying, “Wait, what was I doing here?”, so it actually slows things down. If the two (or more) tasks that we are trying to do at once are rapidly changing, that can mean the brain is always trying to catch up and doesn’t really have much time to accomplish anything else. Sometimes, especially when trying to multitask and drive, it is that split second of catch up time that is the difference between avoiding a crash or getting into one. People who try to walk and text on their phones may tend to walk into things or step off the curb into the path of on-coming traffic.

So, why do we try to multitask? Our society has become very “real-time” oriented. We try to stay connected at all times and we try to stay busy at all times. When we are in the middle of something and the cell phone rings, we try to answer it immediately, even if that means taking a hand off the wheel to fish around in our pocket for the phone. No matter that the urgent call was some other multitasker standing in line at the grocery who decided to call and say, “Hey, what’s going on?”

The fact is that life can go on without you answering that call. It wasn’t that far back when we didn’t have cell phones or email or many of the other modern multitasking distractions and we somehow muddled through. And those things that we feel are so important to get done that we try to do 2-3 at a time can be prioritized such that each gets our full attention and gets done better because of that. We need to stop and ask ourselves why – why am I trying to do both of these things at once? Once you let your brain ask that question, it will figure out the order in which to do them so that they both get done well.

An ancient saying applies here – “Jack of all trades and master of none.” That’s what multitasking can do to you. So if you want to give the world the illusion that you are somehow multitasking, buy a set of noise canceling headphones and wear them while you are studying or reading. People will think you’re also listening to music (multitasking), when in reality you are focusing on the task at hand.

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Posted by Norm Werner

What are you listening to? Time to change the tune!

February 2, 2014

I ran across this little saying in a blurb about a new book recently – The Voice You Listen to Will Determine the Future You Experience.  The saying was in the advertising for the new book by Stephan Furtick titled Crash the Chatterbox. In Crash the Chatterbox, best-selling author Pastor Steven Furtick focuses on four key areas in which negative thoughts are most debilitating: insecurity, fear, condemnation, and discouragement. He asks, “What great deeds are in danger of remaining undone in your life because of lies that were planted in your past or fears that are looming in your future?”

fearI have written in the part about FUD – Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt – which is common in the business world and is often used as a delaying tactic by larger companies to keep customers from buying from smaller, more nimble companies with new products. Just throw out a little FUD about the new product or the small company and you will freeze a certain portion of the market.

I’ve also written about the Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda’s – those after the fact regrets that we all get from time to time about things left undone; especially things that turn out to have been really fun for those not so timid that they didn’t even try.

Whenever I write one of these pieces, I get feedback from new readers saying they liked what I wrote and inviting me to see what they’re up to. For the most part these are from people now well on their way to dispairrecovering from some dark period in their lives; something that drove them in places in their minds from which they may still be struggling to escape.

The good news is that most of them have made it out of their person hells, or have at least begun the journey back, and they are usually now espousing a more positive, upbeat outlook on life. Most, but not all. There are still way too many people out there, many of them spewing out words of hate or darkness and despair on their blogs. I refuse to go there with them.

Whatever the situation that has occurred to drag those people into the hole that they are in needs to be confronted as the first step to recovery. No matter what it is – it is; and once you accept that, you can ask yourself the next question – “Now, what I’m I going to do from here?”

I wrote recently about the four candles story; about the candles of peace and faith and love being extinguished, and how having the candle of hope still lit enables the other three to be relit. Sometimes preceding any effort to use Hope to relight the other candles in your life it is necessary to just stop – stop the wallowing in pity and self-blame; pause the fear, uncertainty and doubt; put aside the insecurity, fear, condemnation and discouragement for the moment – and accept the fact that you are where you are and that there is nothing that you can do to change that.

The next step, at least for me, is to admit that you cannot solve everything by yourself. Just admitting that will take a large load off your shoulders. For many, having gotten into this mental state is a paralyzing experience – nothing gets done because everything is feared. Others may try and try different ways out, edge of the abyssonly to find that each door just leads them deeper into the maze of despair.

Sometimes it is right at the edge of the abyss that many finally figure out that help has been with them all along. They stop. Some get down on their knees, some just look up; but all eventually say, “Not my will but thy will be done.” They offload their troubles to the only power strong enough to bear any burden. In that moment they experience liberation from the troubles and darkness that have surrounded them. They have chosen to listen to the voice of Hope and they have used the last flicker of the candle of hope to relight the candle of faith. They will see the candles of love and peace also be quickly reignited in their lives as well when they stop doing the things that have been pushing others away.

So listen to the voice of hope. That will also let you hear the voices of faith, love and peace in your life. If you can do that, the calliope of negative noise that tries to overwhelm you from time to time will be shut outlistening toi music of your life. Think of it as if you are wearing a set of noise canceling earphones and the only thing you can hear is a playlist made up of the pleasant sounds and tunes of hope, faith, love and peace. People will wonder why you are walking around with a smile on your face all the time. Maybe you’ll even have time to read the book by Pastor Furtick – Crash the Chaterbox.

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Posted by Norm Werner

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